woman77

I have been in a long distance relation for nearly a year. Everything was going on smoothly and my guy was the one who initiated everything - i.e made me believe that LDR would work if things were transparent. He professed his love for me, made me let my guards down and convinced me that i was the love of his life.

We chatted every day and spoke every weekend , had our arguments and still patched up.He went through so much(with regard to visas n all that ) but eventually came to meet me and we spent 3 lovely weeks together.He even said he was ready to give me a ring if i was insecure about the relationship (of course i didn't ask him for the ring coz i wasn't sure that would be fair on him as we were meeting for the 1st time). But we were very much committed to each other and honestly we never felt the distance.

Even after returning things were going great. But suddenly things began to change - he had to move to a different apartment (twice in a span of 2 months). Due to his move - his landline n internet connection went missing so i did the texting n calling n emailing him. Then the job scenario began to give him too much stress and now whenever i called him all he did was just talk about his job n say he is stressed n tired n used to yawn.

One fine day he said he wanted to focus on his career and would like to postpone our marriage(we'd decided to get married at the end of this year) and if i was fine with it. I was willing to wait for him.I wanted him to focus on his career (which is very important for him). But there onwards, his phone calls dwindled, he began saying he never received my texts and whenever i called he would be either too stressed out to even speak for a minute or would be busy doing something or would say he had to go out with his friends. Still i kept reminding myself that he's a busy man and he's got a lot on his plate.

Now just last week i had called him on friday and he said he was out with his frens n wud call me on saturday. Come saturday he texts me saying he needs to meet up with his pals and would definitely e-mail or call me on Sunday. Sunday came and to my utter disbelief he says he wants to focus on his career and does not want to give me any false hope by just making me swing like a pendulum. He says he wants to stay single until he achieves his goals and ambitions . He says he'll always remember me and that i am a really lovely, patient, decent lady and he has the utmost respect for me.

I was in a state of shock because this was the same person who, if he did not hear from me or if i missed his call , would contact my siblings to check to see if i was alright. He would always say he finally found his better half and i was his soulmate. This guy would text me every day to say how lucky he was to have found me ( we are both in our 30's so it's kinda hard to believe he was playing all along). Our relationship had reached such a stage that we had introduced each other to our respective families and our close friends. We had decided that either he was gonna come visit me or i was gonna go visit him this July/August since we had postponed our marriage)

Since Thursday i have been trying to contact him and he just will not take my calls. He sent me a text saying not to make things difficult for both of us and that he will stick to his decision. He says he doesn't want to give us both false hope by talking.
But how can he make his decision for both of us?????

After a few texts he replies "Plz don't do this.It is difficult for me not to take your call.I loved you truly and my intentions were always true".

I am finding it very difficult to come to terms with this and all i want from him is to talk to me and tell me why he came to such a decision. He just won't take my calls or reply my texts . I wasn't this needy, i -need-all-your-attention kinda woman...i gave him his space,enouraged him in all that he did ( in short it was a healthy mature relationship) n nopes i wasn't the nagging woman either.

Can someone tell me what am i supposed to do during this phase. What hurts me is he decided everything by himself and is not man enough to talk one on one. Even if there is another woman involved - it would hurt me but i would understand.I'd rather hear whatever the reason it is from the horses' mouth rather than assume things and make things difficult for me.

Is he really over me? What could be the reason for suddenly turning away from me when he was getting all the love n support he needed from his other half.Can someone's ambitions be so powerful that he lets go of the one he loves?

i just can't get over him . I am suddenly turning into the needy, clingy woman that is just not me - Please Help!!!!!!!!!

WildChild

You don't say where you are or where he is from but the mention of visas sounds like this was not just LDR but cross cultural?
Sounds like he has decided that he has other priorities. It's hard, but better now than later? Best to have a good cry, keep busy and move on. If he won't talk or see you what else can you do?

caterpillar79

If it's meant to be, it's meant to be, people say often. We know this, easier said than done: patience? Heck with it! But we need it. Time would tell what would happen next, so get yourself together, breath some fresh air, go out with friends and be happy. Better now than later, or else it would be more painful. Give him the time and space he needs. He's old enough to sort things for himself, he knows what he wants and he'll get it sooner or later. How about you? Do you have any plans for yourself? Don't include him in the picture yet, it's not obvious (yet) if he's including you in his plans. Be fair to yourself, LOVE YOURSELF more.

kms

You asked if he could make the decision for both you - and the answer is yes. Yes he can. That's how break-ups generally work out... It could be that he just got so involved in his life that his focus changed and he realized that it wouldn't be fair to continue stringing you along. Or it could be that he's met someone else and is trying to let you down easy. Or it could be that he hasn't met anyone specific but is enjoying the single life and not being tied down. Or, it just could be a mixture of changing life focus and enjoying being single... who really knows. But if he decided that you're not right for him, then you deserve someone better who will put his full energy and attention on you and your relationship. LDRs are difficult, as I'm sure you know, and maybe in the future you'll be able to find someone closer who you can communicate with in person more often to avoid miscommunication and to ensure that you truly are on the same page and are not just being played with and strung along. Plus, the guy you knew could have been completely different in real life. Some people are experts at being someone they're not, especially when they don't have to see you face to face. You only met him what, once...? Hate to say this but he also might have decided that you weren't the person he envisioned and began losing interest... Definitely don't want to say that but it seems like an interesting coincidence how he began changing after you two met. But if that's the case, you definitely don't want to be with him, and really, you have no idea what you might have been saved from.

In the meantime, focus on yourself, put your energy into finding friends, going out, having fun, joining clubs/groups, going to events - stay busy and enjoy life. Don't let him take this away from you.

CHANDLERS WISH

Do you know why he had to move (twice) in a span of two months?

Perhaps no finances, badly in debt, ran, ....

Perhaps he is in trouble and doesn't think you would understand... Be there, stay.

You went to him right? You got the Visa and travelled.

Marriage, is not only committment but requires security from at least one partner, USUALLY in the man's eyes. Perhaps he has no security and as he wants to focus on his career and sounds depressed going out with mates, etc, it sounds to me that his "dream" in his eyes can not be a reality. And, so he is letting go..

MEN...pftt.

Truth is, if you love someone, you will jump hurdles, you will work together on making finances work and you will not judge , nor care if they are broke, they survived in the oldern days, ...and two people together in love can do miracles, come up with ideas that work and make money, etc, etc.

Why not view this differently.

A man is a man and likes to be one.

It's not a necessity in the financial department rather, as long as he "tries" that's all a woman can ask for as she also contributes... and happiness is worth more than money full stop.

I think there is more to this than you realise....

Call it gut feeling.

CW

__________________
Women are Angels
And when someone breaks our wings....
We simply continue to fly.........on a broomstick...

We are flexible like that ....
White Witch.


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woman77

Thank you everyone for your posts.
Yes it has finally dawned on me that he's not going to be in my life. It's been 10 days and i haven't heard a squeak from his end(initiated by him). But i did write to him saying i understand his need to focus on his career and got a reply thanking me for understanding his situation - Men i tell you!!! I almost ended up being the needy, clingy girlfriend that every man detests - glad i pulled myself through.

Don't get me wrong - i do get tempted because i had never ever spent an entire day without communicating with him n vice versa . The quicker i accept the truth the better it is going to be for me- i guess.

We are from a similar cultural background but just in different countries (US-UK) and he was the one who travelled to US. And i agree with what CW has to say - if you love someone , you'll jump hurdles! And we had jumped 70 % of our hurdles and now that we saw the light at the end of the tunnel he decided to let go.

All of your opinions and suggestions have been very helpful. I will try to focus on ME and keep myself busy. If anything crops up, i'll keep you posted. Thank you all.

WildChild

Create the life You want, that will be fullfilling for you and then look around and I'd bet they'll be someone to share it with. Sometimes being willing to back off and give a man plenty of room will actually allow him to feel safer drawing near - on his own terms (because you don't Neeeeed him). I think I'm seeing that start to happen in my life. But don't count on this particular man, just bide your time in that department, you need to give yourself a chance to really get past this first.

CHANDLERS WISH

Your a brave girl..

Good logic.

No guy goes 10 days without communicating, and a simple "thanks" for understanding, understanding what? That he was not 100% honest with you?

Well that's my theory, moving twice in two months in an appartment tells me alot.

But the fact is, you are a brave woman and i commend you , as WC said concentrate on yourself, exactly "men", lol...

Half stories can't help you and is not a "relationship" have the guts to say it "whole" or not.... but those that can, i respect to the hilt regardless of the result.

CW

__________________
Women are Angels
And when someone breaks our wings....
We simply continue to fly.........on a broomstick...

We are flexible like that ....
White Witch.


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woman77

I took this hard because i had been promised marriage before (a few years ago) but that guy went ahead and married someone else while i was totally unaware.

Since then i had built a wall around me - just making sure that i do not hurt myself again.
Now that i had finally healed, this guy makes it his goal to shatter me to pieces.
I had told him a number of times that i could not take another rejection and look where i am.
Somehow i think i've had enough of men treating me like a doormat - and surprisingly i haven't been so bitter towards him

The best thing so far has been sharing my experiences and reading all your suggestions and advice. I truly appreciate it.

Going forth, i need to learn to be selfish and just care about my and myself - till i meet a genuine person.

kwinycakes

It hurts so much because you guys are engaged. But the way you handled things, you're strong and i'm glad you didnt end up to be the clingy girlfriend.

Thanks for sharing the story.