orkara

How do I knock some sense into him?

I'm in a long distance relationship right now. My boyfriend had to leave the country for school and he wont be coming back for the next 4 yrs or so.

Before that, me and my boyfriend have been inseparable. Wherever I go, he would follow and vice-versa. Not a single day would go by that I would not see him. He was always cool with everything and I was really happy.

BUT, now that we're long distance with completely different timezones... He is suddenly a control freak and I am really mad and sad and confused.

- At first he said I was not allowed to go out with my friends if there were guys there that he had never met.

Okay cool. I can handle that.

- And then, he banned me from going out with any of my single friends because he said I wasnt so why should I be hanging out with them? Did I want to look for other guys?

I thought it was stupid but whatever. My bestfriends arent single anyway lol.

- And then when he finally got an international calling plan for his phone, he starts calling me 10 times day.. and as much as I appreciate that, its really starting to get annoying because he calls most of the time to tell him what he doesnt like.

- He monitors my facebook. He's made me delete a lot of guys suddenly, some of them because he knew they liked me... which is okay. But most of them because he saw a picture of me next to that person... some of them group pics with a lot of other people D: OMG.

- He even dictates the way I dress. He even bought me a cellphone (since mine didnt have a camera) so I could show take pictures what I'm wearing when I'm going to my classes or when I'm going out.. I cant wear shorts anymore. No dresses. If I want to buy new clothes I have to take a picture and get his approval first.

... Or when he calls and he doubts me when I say I'm at home.. he makes me take a picture of myself. And because he's being paranoid.. and thinks that I probably took it way beforehand... He picks a random DVD in his collection (he left it with me) and makes me play to a specific scene and I have to take a picture next to it.

Controlling or what?

How do I get him to stop?

CHANDLERS WISH

He's scared.

He loves you.

He is fearful because it's long distance and so long, that he will lose you.

It's going to be tough I am not going to lie to you...

It's easier when your older, I am in one for about 18 months before I can even consider anything more perminant.

Re-assure him of your love and tell him he doesn't need to check up on you, you love him and are there, don't want to stray, you love him.

At my age you "know", but at yours one feels in-secure.

Nice to know he wasn't like that before and therefore it's only fear and therefore how much he loves you......................

CW

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Women are Angels
And when someone breaks our wings....
We simply continue to fly.........on a broomstick...

We are flexible like that ....
White Witch.


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Iseulda

How do you get him to stop? Dump him...

...or move to where he is. Or have him come home. But having had a very controlling husband who worked abroad (same thing, clothes, ho you can see, what kind of things you can go to, etc., long and overbearing negative angry phone calls - no photos is the main difference) I learned that the behaviour doesn't actually stop when you get back in the same place.

I dunno what it is about men, perhaps women are the same but I've never had a relationship with one, but once they go like that the chances of getting Mr.Wonderful back are pretty slim.

Basically, it appears he doesn't trust you. I don't think he really believes you would cheat on him but (I'm guessing based on my ex-husband's behaviour) he's unhappy and feeling a bit lost and you're back there, where you always were, being the same old you and happy. Of course you are missing him, but you have all your friends around you. He doesn't feel part of your happiness - instead of getting on with it and making himself happy he is trying to limit your life so he doesn't have to think about you being happy without him. In short, if he can't be happy you can't either.

My ex just got worse and worse with this behaviour - he knew for a fact I never cheated on him but he even went as far as questioning me over the paternity of our child - he wasn't even working away from home when she was conceived! The accusations and the requests for specific behaviour are not based in reason and by acquiescing to them you are (as I was) enabling the irrational behaviour from him.

I strongly advise you to stop sending the photos, to wear what you like, see who you like, go where you like, do what you like. None of his requests are reasonable. He's telling you who you can talk to on facebook? No. Telling you which girlfriends and groups of friends you can see? No - none of that is reasonable. He is basically saying you WILL cheat on him if given even the teeniest opportunity. That is offensive. If he can't handle you living your life while he is abroad then he needs to either get out of the relationship or come home.

I advise you to tell him to trust you and stop telling you what to do or you can't continue being in a relationship with him. You guys must be pretty serious to consider staying together though he is away for 4 years of scholl but please, think about what I'm saying. The only way to get him to stop is to stop doing what he wants - that may cause the relationship to end, you have to be prepared for that. You can't let him control your behaviour like this - it isn't reasonable and, more specifically, it isn't love.

Good luck and remember, you deserve love and respect - he's giving you neither at the moment.

__________________

Now let us sport us while we may; / And now, like am'rous birds of prey,
Rather at once our time devour, / Than languish in his slow-chapp'd power.
Let us roll all our strength, and all / Our sweetness, up into one ball;
And tear our pleasures with rough strife / Thorough the iron gates of life.
Thus, though we cannot make our sun / Stand still, yet we will make him run.

WildChild

This is over the top. He sounds insecure, granted he is in another country, adjusting to a lot of change and probably feeling rather discombobulated, but this is still over the top.
I would point out though that he can't "make" you do anything. You are allowing him to dictate to you and that isn't healthy for either of you.

Unless he has unlimited funds I doubt he can keep up with all this calling. Just because he wants pic doesn't mean you have to send them. The idea that he can make things alright for himself by micromanaging you is a dangerous one. It's one men around the globe have engaged in for hundreds of generations now. Look at the various extreme religious movements, who do they always go after first? The women, squash them and everything will be ok seems to be the thinking. Feeding this by accepting it is a really bad idea.

As CW says reassure him that you care and haven't changed but let him know that this behavior has to stop. From what I've seen of young people traveling for school before the year is out he is likely to back off, he'll start to meet new people and get adjusted.

LOL you could turn the tables on him and start making reciprocal demands on him.

orpy

Trust me, this is a huge red flag...he won't change...I agree with the poster who said, "dump him." Why are you letting him do this to you, especially given that he is so far away. You are probably already resorting to lying to him because it's easier than trying to convince him that you are faithful. Your facebook account is none of his business. You need to put a stop to this or your relationship is doomed. Be prepared, this behavior will increase even when you try to establish your independence. Good luck.

ThexMrs

My ex boyfriend did a lot of the same things to me. I finally had to make him see what he was doing by putting him in my shoes and showing him what it was like. It took months but he finally changed his attitude about everything. He still got jealous but things changed and for the better... But as you see, now he's my ex.

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orkara

Thanks for the the replies.

Right now, dumping him feels impossible for me because I really do love him. I plan on talking to him and letting him choose between letting me be 'me' or breaking up? If he chooses the latter, then I guess it just was not meant to be.

It really upsets me that he's trying to control a lot of things in my life. Why is he even dating me if he doesn't trust me one bit? Shouldn't he be dating someone he trusts?

I'm so confused.

CHANDLERS WISH

That is definately what you have to get across to him.

You made mention that before he went away, there wasn't an issue, this controlling wasn't happening, hense why I felt that it is fear.

You have to squash that fear in him and let him know he doesn't need to have it.

Talk it out.

If it turns out that yes it's fear but he can't use trust and continues to control, then you have a problem because that's in his makeup.

CW

__________________
Women are Angels
And when someone breaks our wings....
We simply continue to fly.........on a broomstick...

We are flexible like that ....
White Witch.


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orkara

I just finished talking with my boyfriend on the phone and made sure I got my point across. I kept reassuring him that he did not need to worry because I promised I was going to wait for him and that was what i was going to do.

He admitted he was just scared and did not want to lose me.

He won't budge about the dress code though. lol.

CHANDLERS WISH

LOL. That's fantastic sweet... Sometimes "fear" makes you do the most stupidist things huh!

Good for you I am way pleased.....

CW

__________________
Women are Angels
And when someone breaks our wings....
We simply continue to fly.........on a broomstick...

We are flexible like that ....
White Witch.


Register! | Rules/FAQ | Contact Mod