ren_07

I'm really curious as to the answers I could receive on this one.

I'm currently seeing a guy who's twenty one and has had what appears to be one serious commitment in his life: a relationship that lasted two years. There was no sex in this relationship. It ended from constant bickering that couples seem to get absorbed in after an extended period of spending time together as well as boredom. Since they've broken up a few years ago, he has had numerous one night stands at school and nothing more.

His friend is similar. Same age, had a one year relationship his first year of school where the woman was cheating on him for an extended period of time. He has had seven one night stands since her and nothing more.

My question would be why do men do this? This seems so common nowadays. Why is sex a numbers game and they don't desire any emtional attachment, even if they admit it makes them feel empty sometimes? Are they hurting from their past even though it seems as though in guy number one's case, the hurt was mutual? Do they just not care anymore because they had an unsuccessful past? Are they scared of commitment?

WildChild

They do seem to have trouble letting go. May have decided to just be users. It may just be because they can.

sourpuss

npr did a good story on this last week. I think it's a new generational thing, with both men and women. I think people are a bit more comfortable with saying that they like their freedom while they are young...but still want to have sex once in a while.

As long as both parties know what they are getting into and are ok with it. It's not hurting anyone and I don't see the problem with it.

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CHANDLERS WISH

Because, their first love, they gave.

Their first love they got burnt.

They don't believe that someone will be honest, trustworthy and so they go for "sex" only, boys talk , his mate talked to your guy about the cheating.

He's only 21.

You are going to have to take him "softly, softly" through this one, so he can see, it was "that woman" not women.....

Take time with this.

CW

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Norah76

I went from thinking sex was something special in my teenager years to thinking it was just plain old sex in my twenties. Now in my thirties I find myself thinking its special once again. I guess its whatever you want it to be.. if you want it to have meaning then you give it meaning.

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caterpillar79

He's not into the relationship right now. He hasn't found someone that he really wanted. Or maybe even doesn't know what he wants. These guys just want to get off...which is risky. If they are not careful, they might contract VDs.

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baja

Since you asked, I'll add the male point of view.

Ren_07, the two guys you gave as an example are basically in the "once bitten, twice shy" category. They are over-reacting to the prior relationship fail. So now, they want things on their terms and on a very limited basis -- a disposable relationship -- good for one night only. It doesn't mean they don't want commitment, they just haven't worked through their prior issues. These guys will eventually want more as they mature and also find those great relationship-oriented women who simply don't do one night stands.

caterpillar79

Good point, baja...it is very true (though I'm a female). These guys will reach a certain level of maturity that they'd want the real thing, and sometime along their journey, they will meet their match. The question is when...

I think, this will occur once they realize their need to re-focus their priorities and lean on self-improvement and change. Once they get there, the rest will be growth. It has been great watching this event - I've seen one!

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ren_07

I do appreciate the male opinion. It was very insightful, as were the others.

I am seeing the first guy. We've been "together" since mid april or so. It's kind of frustrating, because we act in every manner as a committed couple would. I've met all his family and friends and he's met mine. We see each other sometimes 2 to 4 times a week, whether it be only for a little or for awhile, whether we have sex or just chill without it.

He's slowly opening up to me more and more but I can feel him keeping me at arm's length. And I believe it's from being hurt but I'm not positive. We've talked recently about the relationship and he doesn't want to be a "boyfriend" but he wants us to be exclusive to each other. It's so odd.

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caterpillar79

Apparently, you are IN a relationship. He IS a boyfriend - just scared of the "label" and demands that the label goes with. I can tell that you care for this guy, but since he's keeping you at arms length, I advise you to do the same for now. He seems to have the feelings for you, just scared to really take the risk once more. He was burnt and so were you before. Until he understands that love is all about playing risks, he will not be in it.

If you are patient enough, just wait. Watch the relationship grow if you can. Since you are more capable in "guiding" the relationship for the moment, be generous and more supportive. Just be guarded though that you are not co-dependent. I have been in such situation. We had a break for a month to re-evaluate ourselves and determine how each other fits one's life. When we got back, we became serious. Now, we still are. But it didn't happen overnight. Good luck.

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