amaranthine

I've had two other boyfriends in the past, both of which broke up with me for the same reason - they weren't into the relationship as much as I was, felt like jerks because of it, and cut the cord. Both times it came as a complete surprise. No warning, no nothing.

My current boyfriend of four months is now starting to tell me the same thing. I can't compare the situations because I know he is a very different person, and he brought it up to me to discuss it, not to make a final decision. It's basically the same story - he's feeling less into it lately and feels bad because I'm just as into it as I was to begin with.
He said he accounts it to him possibly over-thinking some things. He's never been on this side of this kind of conversation. He says that:
- He doesn't like how I talk to my family. My parents and I are loose with each other, there isn't a whole lot of formality or anything like that. We can be openly honest and blunt with each other, and sometimes it can be harsh or rude. But it's just how we are. He doesn't like it.
- I have some problems lying in my history that bother him. I was abused as a child by a member of my church. I'm obviously not religious anymore, and since I was about eight I started to resent my parents for making me go to church even though I said I didn't want to. I've gone to therapy and such to try and work out some of my subconscious feelings towards them and other aspects of my life, but it still comes out sometimes - insecurities that otherwise don't make sense, assumptions, etc. He'll say sometimes that the way I'm reacting to something isn't rational, and it bothers him. He thinks I need to do more to correct it.
- Our relationship has become somewhat routine. We meet up after work a couple times a week, sometimes for dinner, sometimes for a movie, then I usually give him head or we mess around, and sometimes we have sex with minimal foreplay. He feels that it's become too boring.
These were the highlights of the conversation. He says he still wants to try and work it out, that he feels differently around me than about me when he's not with me. Like he's happy around me, but overall unhappy with the relationship.
We both work full-time jobs. He's also currently trying to play in a band with his friends in his spare time (as the vocalist), and is putting a lot of effort into an online songwriting competition called the Masters of Song Fu. He says it's not stemming from anything outside of the relationship, but he can't pinpoint what exactly it is that makes him unhappy.
When we were in college, everything was great. We'd sleep over each other's dorms, meet for dinner every night, basically spend every spare moment together. the summertime has put some distance between us and it worries me.

After talking about it for a while, he said he felt a bit better about it, but is still unsure. He also suggested it could be that we're too similar in ways (stubborn, opinionated, independent, etc.). My best friend and I have had some huge fights stemming from us being too similar, but we're still best friends.

I just don't know where to take it from here. I've never treated him badly, he didn't say I did anything wrong against him. I don't know what to change to bring the spark back and fix some of the issues that bother him.
Help? Advice? Suggestions?

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CHANDLERS WISH

I know that this is the obvious, but have you ever really gotten over what happened to you? This can play a part of in-securities, clinginess, wanting so much to be loved that you give your all, including bj's, as you mention, but your in-securities stand out and they are young guys..

It seems they like you have feelings for you but can't cope with you needing them.

You know we all have pasts that we don't like, I almost died through drowning, I was almost raped at 14 fortunately not, and then I was almost abducted at 17 and put to work in a brothel if it wasn't for my strength against the 6ft guy that tried to push me into his car after dragging me out a nightclub as I exited the toilet, through the exit door god knows.

But, I appreciate I am an extremely strong character, I let things go pftttt, and never let anything get to me, I have no baggage.

But, that doesn't mean that I needed time to adjust and understand it all, I did like everyone..

I chose not to let it affect me and I am a confident woman...

Perhaps you need a little bit of a hand to see that it's okay, it's not your parents fault at all.. That you are in fact beautiful and strong and that you don't "need" rather "want" out of life and will only accept those whom "want you"...

It's time to stand on your own and account for you and be you 100%, you don't need anyone rather, love what comes to you in life.

CW

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Do we not realise that in order to find a soul
It doesn't happen over night
if truth were to be told

Like everything in life that's hard to achieve
you must believe!

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