trixies

over a year ago went out 4 times with a guy that was married. told me his wife had affairs and they were still legally married but not together. Our dates were all at bars, him buying me drinks and us kissing all night. The 4th night we went back to his house(wife out of town) and we had sex. he emailed me a few times the week after we had sex, told me he wanted to see me but never asked me out to meet him. then all contact stopped.

During the last year I run into him every now and then at bars. Sometimes he just says hi and ignores me, sometimes he talks for a little while, and sometimes I get a free drink and he asks me over. I've had sex with him about 4 times in the last year.

He is divorced now, lives alone. every time I run into him he is always alone at the bar and he hardly talks to anyone, except me. not sure if he has many friends. He is way different from others i have dated. I'm used to the jerk, no money, selfish, hot bod guys. This guy has money, is very educated, proper, nerdy, etc.

When we were dating if you can even call it that, he opened car doors for me, acted completely into me, etc.

I am 39, divorced from a horrible marriage, have kids, i also have low self esteem and depression. he is 46, more mature, stable than me.

I've been reading lots of books on relationships and have come to the conclusion that i slept with him too soon and he has no respect for me and that there is no way to get it back. "What do you think?? there is more to the story but this is just the basics.

We had sex the last time in November 2008. After that i told myself that I wasn'/t going over his house anymore. After november I stopped going out after that for awhile. so the next time I ran into him wasn't until April 2009. That night in April he kissed me at the bar and said" have you been hiding, I haven't seen you in awhile" then me like a drunken idiot told him that I wanted to make out with him. He acted like he didn;t hear me and then said he had to leave the bar and left!

Then in May 2009 I was at a bar that I thought he would be at. He wasn't there (his ex wife was though, with her new boyfriend) and me and my friend called him to come to the bar. So he came to the bar. I was waiting for him to ask me over to his house so I could say "NO" but he didn't ask. he just said "let's go back to my place." he told me to follow him to his house in my car. I started following him and then i turned around and went home!! I was so proud of myself. INstead of calling me he called my friend to find out what was wrong. She told him she didn't know why I did that and she also told him that if he wants to see me he probalby needs to be more proactive. he said he knows but he just came out of a bad marriage. Blah blah blah!

So last week I ran into him again. we talked for a minute but then he went away. I could see he was watching me at the bar from across the room but he never came back to talk to me. He was by himself again and didn't talk to anyone! I have a feeling I will be running into him this weekend. Part of me wants to go have sex but I'm trying to show him that I don't want to be like that anymore! any suggestions. Am I too late? Did i ruin the whole thing in the beginning?

CHANDLERS WISH

I think you've wasted enough time already, 1 year.

I think that you need to understand that "people" take time to get over broken relationships of any kind.

He probably goes to the bar, to be by himself, have a couple of drinks and just "be out"..

If you are there, he's not a loser, he doesn't try to pick you up everytime but at times he says why not.

I think that you need to just let it all go.

Go out with your friends, if you run into him say hi, smile, good to see you and then walk away... Don't look back at him..

It's not so much what you did, it's what you are doing that makes him feel, that you are there, you will go home with him and he has to ignore or talk to you pending on what mood he is in.

Get on with your life, don't worry about his statis and what he can provide, he's not ready to have any form of relationship and you don't deserve to just spend each time back at his place having sex...

CW

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And when someone breaks our wings....
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We are flexible like that ....
White Witch.


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OhThereYouAre

Why buy the cow when you can have the milk for free?

You had sex with him too early - before he got to know you as a person. You've lost your mystique.

As for the random nights of sex, sorry to say, but to him it was just sex. He was probably in the mood and thought what the .

Don't make yourself into a sex toy for him by sleeping with him anymore. He's using you.

Let him go. But don't be nasty about....be classy.

Tina Lee

I agree with everyone.

You've spent enough time on this guy. Don't worry about if he's watching you from across the room.

It's a game to him y'know. One night he wants company, so he buys you a drink, and gives you a sweet hello. Another ngiht he doesn't want company, so he doesn't make any move on you.. You deserve better than that. I don't think he knows what he wants..

I think you did sleep with him too early in the relationship, but live and learn. Don't let him think that you're that way today...

I would stop wasting time of this guy, start dating someone new. Have fun.

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Hopeless Dork

I really don't think its about that whole losing the mystique from sleeping with someone too soon. Lots of women have had sex or close enough with their S.O on the first date and it turned into a serious relationship. It all depends on attraction/chemistry , having things in common beyond the sex and both looking for the same things out of life.

I had sex (or close) with my boyfriend on our first date, granted we knew each other a few weeks before that date. Maybe that makes a difference than going home with a guy the first time you meet them?

Maybe its because we had a chance to get to know each other and realize we liked each other and had a bit of a build up before the actual date that made it easier to transission into it so quickly.

But I've heard and even read on these boards of women going to bed with a man almost immediately and them working out to much more. I guess what I am saying is its not about "mystique". It's more about - do you guys have more to offer each other than just sex.

To the OP: Do you guys talk about your life or is it all pretty much sex only? Do you take an interest in his life or has he asked you about yourself? I don't think a relationship can go anywhere if its based purely on sex and you don't enjoy each others company when you are not having it.

Sex is but a small percentage of the day (of course probably the best part lol) but there is a whole lot of day left over after and before sex, if you can't find ways to enjoy that part together... its not likely to work.

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Defintion of Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." - Albert Einstein

trixies

Thanks for the advice- it;s what I expected to hear. I did see him last night. I went to a bar thinking he might be there, he wasn;t , so the drunken fool that I am I sent him a text.. no response back. then about an hour later I saw him across the room at the bar. He waved at me, then a little while later he motioned me to go over to him. So me and my friend that I was with motioned him over to us. So he came over. He bought me a drink and we talked. We actually had somewhat of a normal conversation, havent really done that in a while with him. I thought since he bought me a drink and did end up coming to the bar, that I was going to get laid. But he just said I have to go now and left?? It's like one night he says HI and that's it and ignores me. The next time I run into him he motions me over to him, kisses me, looks all into me and then says he has to go, then the next time I see him he buys me a drink, looks at me with the look and invites me over, etc.!!! Last night he didn't have the look, but we talked.

The weird thing is when i was talking to him I was really looking at his face and didn't even know why i ever liked him?? but i think about him all the time and feel nervous when I think I might see him. god am I pathetic or what? I have slept with other guys in the last year- mostly one night type of deals. In the beginning he was REALLY into me. I don't think we would even go together in the end. I think I just want to have sex with him????

WildChild

Sounds like you are want what could have been, rather than what is. Quit throwing ourself across his pathway and find something else to do. Get out and about in the world. Try some new things, develop new interests.

ren_07

It wasn't that you slept with him too early. There really wouldn't have been an appropriate time with this one. He wasn't looking for a relationship, so there was no way to progress this thing as if it were one or turning into one.

You were more than he expected to meet. He was simply expecting to get out of the house, be social, and distract himself from the situation at hand. He met you: a girl who really clicks with him AND someone who is ok with being sexually involved with him. At first he was courting you because he was rebounding and really happy to have met someone who made him feel good again. Once he had all the benefits of being with someone without the commitment or anything, he stuck with it for a little and then became aware that he wasn't ready for anything to progress, and backed off. Guys do this all the time. It's very selfish, and it hurts the other party member a lot whether or not they care to realize it. And obviously this one doesn't seem to concerned about your feelings. He expects you to be there and hung up over him and takes advantage of this. He also shows that he doesn't care because he called your friend asking what was up rather than taking the responsibility to communicate with you personally, probably because he was worried he'd hear an ultimatum from you and wanted to once again avoid an awkward talk.

I think if you're trying to get out and meet new men, the bar isn't the best place. Or at least different bars or ones with better reputations and more upscale. Ones where you won't see or be distracted by his presence. If you do run into him, I agree that you should simply smile and act aloof. Act like you're over his issues and be the center of attention for others in the place. Your energy and confidence will attract him and make him realize what a mess he made and what a good thing he's lost. But don't be attainable.

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trixies

Thank you for all the advice.

I am definately not going to pay attention to him anymore when i see him. I will say hi and smile but direct my attention elsewhere. Someone also needs to take my phone away from me when I'm drinking!

One night when he only said Hi to me and walkd away I'm pretty sure he was pursuing another girl that night. i saw him talking to a girl and then she walked away. I also have seen him texting in the bars sometimes.

I still don't get this though...when I hadn't seen him or run into him for 6 months, he motioned me over to him, kissed me and took my hand in his. then when I told him I wanted to make out with him he acted like he didn't hear me?? and then abruptly left the bar (he always leaves real fast) says he has to go and is out the door. Do you think the kiss was a way to see if I was still interested?

He also has my earring at his house. I hope he doesn't think I left it there on purpose last November!! I want it back but I'm not going over there to get it. I guess he gets to keep it!

then last week when I ran into him, some other random guy at the bar started dancing behind me all flirty. I tryed to ignore the guy and he finally went away. Then later when i was talking with THIS guy he said "there's your boyfriend over there" and then he said "do you know that guy" I said no. He's done that a few times the " there's your boyfriend thing" i hate when he does that!

Any more advice you want to throw my way is very appreciated!

happy ending

ok if i am too blunt i am sorry, but this guy is a jerk who enjoys messing with your mind. he toys with you to make sure you are still interested, and knows if all else fails he has you to fall back on. you sound intelligent and beautiful, is this what you have in mind for a relationship. while you remain at his beck and call, i dont think its good for either of you. it takes two of you to play this game, take your ball and go home.