Love - or just sex?

**stepherella** · 07-24-2009 11:19 PM

Well, there is this guy that I met and had an instant connection with. I had a steady boyfriend for three years and I was living with him and my best friend. I met this new guy one night through a friend and we just clicked. We danced the night away and were kissing. I've never cheated on anyone.. until this. (september)

Long story short, we dated and he was magnificent. He was leaving the country for three months (in january). We broke up after a month or so because he didn't want to be hurt by leaving. Well, I didn't see him or talk to him for a month. By December we ran into each other and I was still so instantly attracted to him. I've never loved someone so deeply, even after being hurt.

So we were.. sort of together. We hung out all the time and continued to have (amazing!) sex. Then he left to go to Europe for three months. We kept in contact and he kept me under the impression he wanted to get back together when he returned. He came back at the end of April and my roommate and I (the ex moved out) threw an end of school party. He was invited and said he would come. A half hour before we were due to pick him up we called. He said he was "kind of dating someone" and Ouch! He had been going on dates with this girl in December! But they didn't have sex.

Their relationship didn't last long and we started hanging out again, and one thing led to another. For the past several months we would hook up and during those times he was the wonderful guy I had first met. As it stands, I'm madly and irrevocably in love with him. I have never told him (once through a drunk e-mail, that I'm not entirely sure he got or not). He has never said it to me. I know I shouldn't keep doing things with him, but he is like... a drug to me. Any ideas of how I can kick this habit and move on?!

**TWills32** · 07-24-2009 11:59 PM

Is there a particular reason why he won't commit to you? If he won't commit to you, and you want him to, I'd say just go out and try to meet new people. Meet someone new to try and get him out of your head. It is possible, trust me. I was so infatuated with this guy several years back, and he would not commit to me. Kept saying, "I don't want a girlfriend". Well, a few weeks later, he went and got himself a girlfriend. I was so pissed, but, I didn't let myself dwell on it. Shortly after, I met the man who is now my husband!

So don't let your world revolve around him. If he doesn't commit to you, oh well, move on. You will likely find a more worthwhile relationship!

**stepherella** · 07-25-2009 12:44 AM

I honestly have no idea why he won't commit. I asked him why he broke up with the other girl he was dating when he came back from Europe. He said he "just didn't feel the spark anymore" and he "couldn't be himself". He had said the exact same thing to me. Yet, I'm the only ex of his that he still spends time with etc. He doesn't even have sex with any one else. I had met a (seemingly) great guy and we became close, but when the other found out he would seem to (somehow!) sweep me off my feet all over again. I keep kicking him out of my life, but he somehow just seems to keep coming bacl. He has been a (sometimes unwanted) constant in my life. Yes, I realize I'm probably just a booty call to him. Should I try to stay away from him for a while or something?
P.s. Congrats! That's so amazing you met your husband after that!

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 07-25-2009 02:20 AM

For the past several months we would hook up

Firstly because he seems to travel alot, I think he wants a relationship but realisitically can't..

Secondly, you kind of cheated on your 3 year old relationship and he knows that I assume?

So, whilst you have "amazing sex" and he can communicate with you because your a "buddy" of sorts, I don't think he sees the same thing you do.

Or, even if your seeing past the "amazing sex" and realising that your worth more than that as well.

Chemistry is one thing, you can have the most amazing chemistry and assume that means that, that's it, he/she's the one.. Or realise it for what it's worth, there's a real comfortability and consequently you can be free with each other.

I think you need to move on because he's coming back due to comfortability and amazing sex.

CW

**stepherella** · 07-25-2009 02:28 AM

He doesn't travel a lot. He had the trip planned before we met. He is now going to the same university as I do. Yes, he knows that I cheated on the three year relationship with him. He and I decided to date and I broke up with the 3-year guy in less then a week of meeting him. I think you're right - that he's coming back for the sex and comfortability.
I have realized I need to move on, but it seems to be a challenge and a half. I'd been away from the city (where he is) for a month and when I went back for a week he ran into me in town. Now I'm going to be away for another month, so maybe I can forget about him... Any sweet tips?

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 07-25-2009 02:32 AM

Aweee...

Well, nothing is easy really... And, there's nothing that you did wrong either, you obviously weren't happy with your ex, simple...

But, yeah, I kind of figure that as soon as we "do the deed" without letting them chase we're stuffed, no matter how old we are, it seems... Which is Stupid....

All I can honestly suggest, and I had a guy that was sooo.... but I had to detach and just say, "it's sex" I deserve better.

That's the only advise I personally can give you... Get the emotions out of it, look forward and excited to dating others and giving them the chase to catch someone whom you will have "all" from..

I really hate the thought that we have to do that.... But, it seems to be the only way it works.

CW

**stepherella** · 07-25-2009 02:51 AM

I almost hate that you're right. Thank-you! I've known all this but was just being my naive self and thinking that things will work out. I think I'll drop off the dating scene for a while. I can't be fair and date someone while having the stupid-boy baggage, as I wouldn't want someone to have that kind of baggage if they are dating me.
I hope that you have found someone good.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 07-25-2009 03:34 AM

Originally Posted by stepherella

I almost hate that you're right. Thank-you! I've known all this but was just being my naive self and thinking that things will work out. I think I'll drop off the dating scene for a while. I can't be fair and date someone while having the stupid-boy baggage, as I wouldn't want someone to have that kind of baggage if they are dating me.
I hope that you have found someone good.

Almost is good.

Not hating me is awesome.. lol...

It's called "wishful thinking" not naive... or an error of judgement on the moving on, see the thing is you had moved on in your mind, and so you allowed your body to...

Guys just seem to think differently...

It may be good for you to find "you" think of him as a "rebound", someone you needed at that time in your life to make you realise you were wasting your years.

Things happen in life for a reason....

Don't feel down or bad, ...

As for me? I thought I did... lots of things played a factor of it's not going to work, didn't work...

Same thing... Taking time out for me, may dye my hair tomorrow even darker haha and looking forward to the future ...

Turn EVERYTHING in life into a POSITIVE..... I seem to be close now to a family member that seems to need me, so perhaps that was why I was there to start with... and for him as friends....

POSTIVE THINKING.....

It's all good.

CW

**stepherella** · 07-25-2009 06:12 PM

You're so right! lol. It's kind of funny. I've had long blonde hair the entire time he has known me... I had wanted my hair dark for quite some time and he had said that I shouldn't because my "long blonde hair is hot". Well, I cut about 8 inches off so its just above my shoulders and dyed it dark! I finally decided to do what I wanted with it. I know, that doesn't sound like anything important, but I finally decided to do what I want!
lol. Positive thinking it is! Great advice lady!

**OhThereYouAre** · 07-27-2009 12:57 PM

Just curious - what did the new guy have or do that caused you to throw the 3 year old relationship to the rubbish heap?

Were things going downhill with the 3 year old B/F?

What caused you to cheat?

Not judging you....i'm just curious.

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