ThexMrs

My very good friend Tim has been in love with me for over a year now. At one point in time my feelings for him were strong but many things happened that seemed to tear us apart.

We've been fighting quite a bit lately. He wrote me a long email a few days ago and I finally responded to it tonight. It was very hard for me to write. I felt as if I was writing a Dear John letter. I don't want to lose his friendship and a part of him will always be in my heart. I don't know if I did the right thing by writing this though. I'm scared that this is going to do more damage than if I never told him at all. He has to know the truth though.

Here is what I wrote:

You're right Tim. I don't ask how you are doing, what you are doing or take any interest in your life. It's not because I am not interested in what is going on. I am. I guess I am very wrapped up in my own life and everything that is going on with me. I'm a horrible friend and I know that. I actually came to this realization yesterday. I was listening to music while sitting in the garage. (That's the only place that I have privacy right now) I was sitting there crying because I have come to the conclusion that there are people who really care about me and I don't treat them the way that I should. For instance, you. I know that you care about me and I care for you a great deal but do I act like it? No. Maybe I take advantage of it. Maybe it's just the fact that I feel I don't deserve to be cared for in such a way. I'm not a good person. I have a good heart and I mean well but I don't give enough of myself to those who care about me. Why is that? It could be multiple reasons. I'm scared. I think, "What happens if I give myself to someone completely and I just end up getting hurt again?" Tim, I can't handle that pain. I am in so much pain already. I cry everyday. You don't know nor do you understand the way that I feel. That's not your fault. That's just the way that things are. I don't want you to understand because that would mean you would have had to go through what I have been through and felt all of that pain. I would never want that to happen to you. You are a wonderful person and you deserve all of the happiness in the world.

I've made a lot of mistakes in the past few months. A LOT. It's all because of what I have gone through with Marty. That's not an excuse, that's a fact. When things with Marty went badly and we broke up, I was devastated. I loved Marty with all of my heart and I know that you don't understand. You don't see what I see in him. I couldn't handle losing him and that is when I began to drink and have casual sexual encounters with random men. They meant absolutely nothing to me but I was so hurt that I needed someone there with me even if it was just pretend. I know that these men cared nothing about me. I cared nothing about them. I just wanted to feel that someone wanted me because I felt that Marty didn't. I want to be loved so badly. I always have. From a young age I have grown up not knowing what love is. The version of love that I saw and experienced was abusive. It was never a real and true love. I beg to know what that is and with Marty, I found it. I know that you don't think that he ever loved me. I know in my heart that he did. I had to let him go though and I did. I was finally over him and then he came back into my life. We started talking again every single day. We became best friends all over again and I forgave him for what he did. I never told him this. It was just something that I had to do, not for him but for me. I fell in love with him all over again and the truth of the matter is that I am still in love with him. I know that we will never be together again but I can't help the way that I feel. I want to let go but I can't. I have tried so hard. I went 9 days without returning his calls or texts and without calling him. It was so hard and it killed me every second. He is and always will be my first love, my best friend. I don't know how to let go. I want to so badly but I feel that without him in my life I am not complete.

I am not telling you this to hurt you. I just want you to know the truth about how I am feeling and where I stand. The fact is, I am not ready to be in a relationship with anyone. 80% of my heart belongs to Marty, 10% belongs to you and the other 10% is too scared to try so it is locked away. There is so much that I need to work on, to better myself, to be happy that until that work is done I am not healthy, not for myself and not for anyone else. If I am not happy with myself then I can't be happy with anyone else nor can I make them happy.

I have so many things that I want to accomplish starting with making myself a better person. I want to go back to counseling, possibly start anti depressants, anti anxiety medications and work through my PTSD and Manic Depressive Disorder. I want to get better. I wake up everyday and I don't want to get out of bed. I have no self worth, no hope. I think about suicide everyday and how much easier not only my life would be (because I wouldn't have one) but everyone else around me. The heavy emptiness that I feel, the despair would no longer be there. You have no idea how appealing this is to me. I know that it is not the right thing to do and that is why I need to get the help and treatment that I can before I do something and it winds up being too late. That is one of the first things that I need to do. Secondly, my job is good but it's not paying my bills. I need to find a better job. Next in line is school. I got everything in order for me to go back to University. Maybe once I accomplish these goals then I could be in a healthy, productive realtionship. I just can't rush.

What I have accomplished thus far is this: I have stopped drinking. I was going down the wrong path and I was paying for it in a big way. I have stopped having random and casual sexual encounters. Again, that was the wrong path and I was paying for it in an even bigger way. Lastly, getting back into University. I feel that these are going to lead me in the direction that I need to go and want to go. I just need to go back to counseling now.

I want you to know that I never did anything to hurt you intentionally. I see now that my actions have harmed you and for that I apologize over and over. I am so sorry. You don't deserve anything that I have done or to feel the way that I have made you feel. If you choose to remove me from your life I understand completely. I know that you will be alright without me.

I'm very sorry if anything I have said has hurt you. I love you very much.

Sincerely,

Lindsay

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CHANDLERS WISH

You know Linds, your right about not letting people in but those who care will not give up...

What you did was not a dear john letter, you were finally opening up and telling things as they are, how you feel, in a gentle way, ensuring that he realises that you care as a friend. You did the right thing... You stopped leading someone on to think that they could one day enter your life, maybe they can but not at the moment you talked about your own growth and what you need and a past love that is still there in your heart..

Nothing at all wrong with truth.. But, truth can hurt and if it hurts him then he is not a friend, friends understand and still stand by you, regardless of your decision.

I read your other thread today and last night and didn't reply.... Needless to say I been thinking all day.

What do I reply?

You have to let Jarred go... If your heart be it right or wrong is still with someone else then you can't lead him on either.

Marty, we all worry about, he seems to want your "friendship" but I wished you had bluffed him just to tell us his response regarding " your packing and going over to be with him", just so for once and for all we could put that to bed even if you can't, it's in the air...

You haven't had sex for 6 weeks but Jarred has asked you to move in with you, that to me means he's serious and it's a shame that you don't have love for him.

But, no one, no one, can make someone stop loving someone they have to when they are ready, if he's not the right one and if he is, which is what your hanging for, then it has to show itself and soon so that you can complete your journey that you have just commenced, one for you.

Don't diss friends even internet ones, remember, they care.....

CW

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ThexMrs

It's not that I don't want to let anyone in, I do. If you had met me 5 years ago I was much worse off. I planned my suicide and it was brutal. I planned the worst thing that I could think of because I felt I needed to punish myself. My suicide would have been torture. The pain I would have caused myself through those plans is quite disturbing. The whole thing was disturbing. At that time I had a wall so high and so thick that it was impenetrable. I'm not that bad anymore. I let people in to a certain degree but never fully... Except one person and that person broke me. Again I have my wall but I am slowly letting certain people in. Very slowly. I'm scared.

I don't plan to let Jared go. I do however plan to talk to him about how I am feeling and maybe he will let me go. I want to move on from Marty and give Jared a chance but Jared has to be giving me what it means to be a boyfriend first. Jared doesn't act like a boyfriend at all. We've never even had a real date. In the last 6 months that I have known him (not all were us dating - we started out as friends) we have probably only spent a couple of weeks time actually together. I want to make it work, I do. I have to try... As for moving in together, no. I don't plan to do that. I feel like I barely know him.

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CHANDLERS WISH

Fear is our worst nightmare I think...

It's understandable .....

But on the same accord "hurt" seems to be a part of life and we all go through it, you can't stop it, it's not possible you just have to not allow things to get to you and see everyone for who they are.....did they mean it? No, then they didn't hurt you they upset you and therefore in that realisation, you can get rid of that hurt... Yes? Then what a shame that they are that type of person, never mind, that's them not you and so you can get rid of that hurt.

Is Jarred wanting you to move in to be with him or give you a place to live? Just a thought it seems strange that you are friends for 6 months and spent 2 weeks but he is wanting a relationship when he's not offering one...

As for your past Linds... As I have said, you've grown, keep going, your doing magical... it is your past.

CW

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Do we not realise that in order to find a soul
It doesn't happen over night
if truth were to be told

Like everything in life that's hard to achieve
you must believe!

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ThexMrs

Fear and hurt most certainly is a part of life. It's funny... When people ask me about love and relationships I always say that you have to take that risk because if you don't, you'll never know. No risk, no reward and here I am not risking it. I think my situation is a little different though. These people in my opinion are healthy and ready. I'm not. Eventually though, I have to be willing to risk it.

Jared asked me to move in because he "loves" me. He tells me that he loves me and only me, that he wants me in his life and only me, that I'm the only person he wants to be with. He mentioned marriage a month or so back. He said that marriage is his goal for us.

We've been more than friends, "together" for a while now but like I said he doesn't act like a boyfriend or give me what I need and want from him. He said that he couldn't yet he tells me all of these other things. He knows that I've been patient and he said that I just have to wait a little longer for things to change. He said in August everything will get better. I guess we will see.

I honestly think that he wants to move in together not just because he loves me but because we don't get to see each other all that often because of conflicting schedules. That's what has taken the biggest toll on what we have. The other day he texted me and said, "I miss my baby." I replied with, "I miss you too but I am used to not seeing you so I just try not to think about it." It's the truth.

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CHANDLERS WISH

Mmmm...

Why love August?

Have you been to his house now?

Have you met any of his friends yet?

Shhh can't help myself....

CW

__________________
Do we not realise that in order to find a soul
It doesn't happen over night
if truth were to be told

Like everything in life that's hard to achieve
you must believe!

Register! | Rules/FAQ | Contact Mod

WildChild

I read something not too long ago, don't remember exactly but it was talking about those of us who had less than ideal childhoods for whatever reason and the writer made a wonderful point that it is never too late for us to choose to give ourselves a wonderful second childhood. In other words, find the child within, love her, play with her, delight her, splash in the puddles, buy balloons, roll down the hills, sing, skip - the sense of wonder and joy that lies within you and wake it up!

ThexMrs

Because in August they are hiring on more people so he shouldn't be so busy. The workload will be spread out among them all. Right now a lot of it rests on him.

No... I have not been to his house nor have I met his friends. We discussed this and that is when he said he wasn't ready to be in a relationship yet we were not going to break up. He's one of the most "different" for lack of a better word, men I have ever met. He said that he is trying very hard to open up and let me in but that it is hard for him because of how many times and how badly he has been hurt. He continually tells me that he doesn't want to lose me. I'm very blunt with him. I tell him how I feel, what I want, what I need and that if he doesn't supply it soon that I will leave. I'm not here to waste my time. I want to find the one, that real love and to get married and have a family.

I would have to create an inner child, I feel. I've always been way more mature than all of my friends. I didn't have that childhood and it didn't bother me. Sure, I'd have loved to have had it and experienced everything that a normal child, childhood is but I feel it's too late. I would (in my eyes) be a fool to act like a child now. Who knows? Maybe it would be therapeutic.

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WildChild

It's not a matter of acting like a child or being childish, but to draw on the ability children have to take pleasure in things, to find wonder and joy in even the simplest things. To stand transfixed, looking at a flower or the way sunlight lights up the dust motes in the air. To laugh, giggle and be joyous. I think you need this badly and a hug. I'll send you cyber hug right now. ( )

ThexMrs

That makes sense. I've lost all wonderment in life, for the most part. The things outside that truly make me happy are my brother's two dogs. I give all of my love and affection to them. Also, my friend's baby. There really is no joy in life for me other than that. I mean... Simple things make me happy. A good cup of coffee, a good song, nice weather, a conversation with my best friend, a Marlboro Menthol, lol. I'm easy...

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