Hanna44

first of all, sorry about my english, im from europe, not native english speaker.

okay here is my question - there is this guy i was seeing, like 4 years back, it was more like just hooking up, partying and drinking, but also hanging pretty much together otherwise - lunch, dinners etc. and we were working together, so it was pretty complicated that time because of this,we were not supposed to get involved, we did anyways.

we did sleep together, but ended up in a really bad fight, and that was it.

this seeing each other was going on for a few months. he really hurt me and we were not talking for months after that fight, still working together tho.but after a while things got back to normal, we were IM-ing sometimes, like friends.

then in the past 3 years i had a boyfriend, he had a girlfriend, but a few months back i broke up with my boyfriend and a few weeks after he broke up with his girlfriend too. we started chatting more and more,and he asked if i wanted to get a drink with him (but also asked if i am seeing someone and if things were really over with my ex - they really were/are).

so we met, I went to his place, we were chatting and drinking, was great, like old times, lots of memories came up. but i was not sure (in fact im still not) if he just wants to get laid or something else/more.

he tried to kiss me and get on with it but i didnt let him, just kissing.

he called again, and i met him like 3 - 4 more weekends in the last few weeks - same thing. he was acting nice and looks like he grew a lot, he's changed and same for me.

he remembers everything i told him years ago and also in these few weeks we met, and was like always smiling at me, jealous at other friends i mentioned look good or whatever, whenever i go by cab somewhere, he calls me when im on the way to make sure everythings fine, like the driver is not hitting on me etc.

I swim and he told me we should go swim together sometimes, and to some waterfall too that he likes a lot. he was acting pretty cool. i always sleep there these days but in the guest room, but one time he went to my bed (we were both drunk and wearing clothes) but he jumped to my bed and was hugging me so tight, we were sleeping like that, me on his chest. he didnt even try to kiss me or stuff, (told me to take off my jeans tho to be more comfortable) but we were so sleepy we just fell asleep that way. this was after i rejected sleeping with him.

he still hugs me and kisses me but thats all.. since we first met again after years, i spent almost all weekends of the last month with him, just drinking, chatting, having a good time. weird thing is he never calls on the weekdays, maybe some IM-ing but thats all, or never calls to go out anywhere else.

i know he is super busy tho,at the office until late night; but still i dont know if he is just playing games or whats going on? what do you guys think?

any chance this can have a happy ending?? i really like him (always have)but am afraid of getting hurt, thats why i rejected sleeping with him. i've changed my mind since but apparently he wouldnt try any more.

did he give up and just wants me as a drinking buddy? if he just wanted sex and didnt get it, why he still calls me to see each other?

i know i have a pretty okay body and he likes it, but he could get any girl he wants, he really is hot.

okay so thats it - any ideas what can possibly be going on in his mind??
thanks a lot for any insight!!

prawnprincess

It sounds like he really likes you. Good job for not sleeping with him yet. I'd like to know why he doesn't call during the week just to make sure the coast is clear. Maybe you could mention it or ask if he wants to get together sometime on a weekday? Do you have any friends at work who might know what is going on? Stay on the careful side until you know what's going on!

CHANDLERS WISH

There is something in this picture that isn't right, only I can't put my finger on it.

Firstly, may I ask, what was that fight about and how did he hurt you?

I also worry a tad about the intensity of his jealousy/control... And, this could all be control, something you have to establish.. I say that because, he doesn't call to make sure you got home safe, rather, that the taxi driver isn't hitting on you.

As, for sleeping next to you, hugging, jeans off, nothing, if he wanted sex, he had a good opportunity the next morning, you bonded, he would know that...

Some guys merely get a thrill of "keeping you there"...

He does like you but in what fashion? That's the answer I can't work out....

The fact that he has "company" with him on weekends, doesn't call during the week, an IM that's about it and you two basically only spend your time together on weekends, at his house and you stay over in the spare room..

Is it not just "company"?...

I think it's time to simply ask him what he wants from your "Friendship".......

CW

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Hanna44

Thanks guys for the responses.
Some guys merely get a thrill of "keeping you there"... you were so right..
I did see the guy again on Friday, just watching a movie and having some drinks, chatting. I slept there, this time sharing the bed with him, but just sleeping, more or less. After breakfast he drove me home. On the way I finally asked what he was thinking, are we friends or something else/more and basically he asked me back why, what are the options (other than being friends) and if I was saying I wanted to date? so I told him no, just being curious what he thinks and he said we are friends and who knows what will happen later... but now we are friends. so that’s it I guess, friends.
He called me on Saturday to go to a bar, it was fun, with some dancing, than some drinks at his place. when we got sleepy he told me to stay (guest room..) but I said no I wanted to go home, and he got pissed and asked me if I was mad at him because he was not sleeping with me?! What is wrong with this guy? He had told me just a day before we are friends, so what’s wrong with me sleeping at my own home? This made me mad so I shut the door on him and left (was probably a stupid thing to do though…)
He spent both nights of this weekend with me again, just the 2 of us, making weird comments again, asking about how things are with guys, like I went to a party and he wanted to know if I met any guys there and how is things with a friend of him that likes me, if I talk to him bla bla. what does he care, I’m just one of his friends...
And I still don’t know why he ‘disappears’ on the weekdays… he texted me tho last week some day, but just to make plans for the weekend. . Why with me, and only me? He has so many other friends. He could be hanging with so many other people, or going to a bar with guys and could hook up with chicks there..
Ah well that’s it, I guess we won’t talk for a while, this looks like a waste of time. I still like him a lot but it’s definitely not going anywhere..
But thanks guys for the ideas and help, appreciate them a lot!

sourpuss

Ugh! I feel your pain. I was/am in a similar situation.
To me, this sounds like either he really does like you and doesn't have the guts to man up and try to take it beyond friendship or that he just likes being liked. Some guys just have to have their egos stroked by having a girl always on their line.

If you really do like him and you want to date, you should just tell him. If you're completely ok with just being friends then you need to let those feelings go and just be friends. However, the way he gets mad when you do your thing is worrisome.
I guess you need to consider how he treats you. How he is now, is how he'll be in a relationship, is that what you want? That's for you to decide.

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WildChild

Ahuugggh men! Let me tell you if you have fantasies that when you and they get older, it will get better - Nope. Same stuff, higher level maybe but still the same stuff. The sad thing is I think they head trip themselves as much or more than they do women.

Wait and see what he does is about all you can do. Don't cut yourself off from other friends and activities, see him when you want to and don't arrange your schedule around him. Don't put anything on hold for him, there may really be something there, you've known each other for several years, you've both been with other people, you are actually in a better posistion now to decide if the two of you really have something worth building on. He's not pressuring you for sex but it sounds like he's being territorial. Give it time but keep breathing, keep doing what you want with your life. See how he fits in?

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sourpuss

Great advice WC!

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Hanna44

thanks WildChild and everyone - i took the advice, wasn't waiting for his call, last weekend i went out with other friends and had a great time. Actually i havent called/texted him all week, was just waiting what his next step would be - and friday he just said hi on IM, looked like he wanted to see if i was mad or something, and called me on the weekend to see what i was doing. told him i was already out with other friends.. so he told me to do something together again this weekend. hmmm.. but i will suggest to invite other people too when we go out, and will sleep at my home. if i am really just a friend, i will act like one. lets see what happens then

WildChild

Sounds like good thinking!

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OhThereYouAre

Agreed 100%. I can't put my finger on it, either.

*However* if he was romantically attached to you, you'd know....

He's not into it the way you'd like him to be.

Sleeping in the guest room? So you excite him sometimes, but you aren't the woman he's looking to give his all to.

Sorry.

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