chica

So...My boyfriend and I have been together just over a year

I do love him very much..

Just some back ground info, he did cheat on me with his friends younger sister...only a kiss but its still cheating in my opinon...we worked through it. I just asked him not to go to a bar for a little while, and as stupid as this is, I told him I didnt want him anywhere around his friends sister, no contact no nothing. I told him no going over to his friends house.

Well about two months after his "mistake" he went to a bar, but told me he went to bed. Now ok, he admitted to it. So thats good.

Now he says he hasnt been over at his friends house since well a long time.

About two weekends ok, he said he was going to stay at his house with his family, and then come over the next tuesday. (Which would have been a week ago)...that weekend he was at his familys house, I was having some family problems...so I asked him to come back to the house, and support me. Well he said "I dont have the extra gas money to be coming to your house from mine, and driving to work all in one day...I live about an hour from him. Its a good 60 miles. On this past friday he said "L (which is the friend, whoms sister he cheated on me with ) is going to meet me at the house, and then we are going to US play" Ok no big deal I told him to have fun. He said he was going to drive down there. Ok US Play is like 30 minutes from his house. Not as far as mine. But you tell me "I dont have the extra gas to go all over the place" that to me is kind of a double standard, and just kind of rude.

So I told him, then it just started getting into other stuff. and we blew up at each other.

This was this past friday...then on Saturday, it was our one year anniversary...and He planned it.. Well come to find out he planned for us to go to a baseball game, with his friends, and their girlfriends...OK Anniversary to me you spend it together some alone time, and just whatever else. Well we ended up waiting for about an hour for his friend with the tickets, didnt end up going because the lines were too long (his friend bought the tickets online, only had the confirmations) anyways I say his friends, because they are his friends...I love his friends, have no problems with them at all.

So we just ended up going to dinner with everyone, and then to the same bar from the previous night. Well during dinner, My boyfriend made a comment that he dropped L (his friend) off at his house...and could hardly drive home because he was so tired.

Alrighty, On friday we were already in an argument so he said his friend came over to his house. But he still told a stupid lie?

His response when I asked him about it, "I would rather tell a little lie to avoid an arguement"

Well ok, you can argue with me, and just go balls to the wall, and disrespect me with smart comments, and attitude to prove you are right, (when he was in the wrong, and admitted it) but he doesnt have the balls to be honest with me?

I dont get it, am I asking too much, or does he just not care?

I didnt blow up at him about the lie, I dont care how small it is, a lie is a lie...not good in any shape or form. I am sick of being lied too..I dont have time for it.

I asked him a simple question "Am I doing something to make you feel like you hace to lie to me" he said "NO" so what is the point of lying?

I told him if he would have said, I am picking L up...not going in the house, nothing. I would have said OK.

I havent told him he couldnt go out with his friends. the only thing I wont budge is going to his friends house, because that sister of his friends is mostly always there. I will not budge on that.


Sorry this is so long!!

Thanks for your help

Hopeless Dork

How did you find out about the kiss? Did he come clean with that or did you discover it in some other way?

Does he do anything at all to make you feel loved and special and if so what?

In the pit of your stomach, do you trust him?

__________________
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Defintion of Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." - Albert Einstein

CHANDLERS WISH

Well in my "opinion" yes your being un-fair because you do have to budge.

If he's going to "kiss a girl" or sleep with one he will.

And, so you say, no cheating man in my life thanks and move on...

But, by putting restrictions, having expectations instead of working "together" and deciding "together" what plans you should have for your anniversary it's a joint thing right? It's not your birthday, would have avoided all of that.

Telling him he can't, at his age, assuming he's young means he will just have to go behind you back why? He's been told all his life by his parents what to do... He aint going to be told now by a woman..

It's called, let them fly and fail your expectations and find someone whom you can trust ..

But. the reality is people "will" do what they want to do no matter what restrictions you put on them and more than likely rebel over being restricted. Make sense? Think about your childhood for a sec.

More than likely, you "depend upon him" when your down, expect him to drop what he's doing and be with you....

You need to learn how to cope on your own and then when your together, discuss how you felt, what happened and be consolled at that point... You are your own person, if you feel that you "need" you become "needy" and again, the other partner will go "mmm" what excuse can I come up with? And, lie.

He may not be what you are after in life, not there enough for you as you "need" but you also need to find you.

Sorry, you asked " Am I being unfair"...

I am saying that yes.

Communication... " what shall WE do for our anniversary".
Trust... "ok do it again your out the door.
Need... " i need you but i am not obsessive, if your busy or having fun, so be it but you better be there the next day to help me through it.

See?

Or not.

CW

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if truth were to be told

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you must believe!

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chica

Thank you Both...

CW I do understand what you are saying, and like I said I feel on some things I am bring unfair. I think the Anniversary thing was fun...kinda screwy but it was fun. I never really gave him a hard time about that. Those restrictions were my way of trying to feel safe in a relationship again. In my own little mind it felt right at the time.

I still dont want to budge on somethings, but I have. I dont get mad when he does what he wants to do. I am not his mother, nor a crazy girlfriend.

The "double standard" thing kinda bothered me. I told him what I thought of it, and he kinda agreed, and said he would work on it. Him and I have just been arguing this week for some reason. Its all been stupid stuff...

I have not even said nope you cant go over your friends house at all...He just hasnt. But then again we havent exactly talked about it. I still feel him lying isnt my fault. Lying small or big is wrong.

I do agree if he is going to cheat again he will...

CHANDLERS WISH

Sometimes the way someone writes, is the way it comes across and often, they write when they are mad as

That's good that you see the difference about all of this and can stand on your own two feet and are not in "control mode"... it's important to a relationship.

You know, stats say that a girl is 4 years "mentally" older than a male... and that they are still in batchelor mode in their 40's, in - fact in their 50's they go and get that sports car or boat and try to regain their youth.

Yet us women, know what the world is about, what everything is about and try to work out how we can get them to see the same, good luck? Yep.

I may have sounded a tad harsh, but i do know at my age, that communication and trust regardless what is thrown back on us is a must to succeed.

Yet, I am "ask anyone" haha a 30 year old most of the time.

I get the double standard but he has to "mean" what he says not just agree... I still think there's a bit of rebellion going on with him , with you... hense the arguements.. Even after your last post.

The only pet hate I HATE is being lied to... You are justified ... But you have to make it clear, do your thing, go where you want, I will trust you from here on end... If I find out you lied though?

Your on the curb... I have standards, morals and beliefs, ..................

CW

__________________
Do we not realise that in order to find a soul
It doesn't happen over night
if truth were to be told

Like everything in life that's hard to achieve
you must believe!

Register! | Rules/FAQ | Contact Mod

chica

thanks again...And being honest isnt being harsh

I love honesty even if it will hurt my feelings, I am a big girl I can handle it...unless its something like telling me my celebrity crush is gay...then ill just get straight mad...and slap a fool j/k

I do agree there is some rebellion. We have talked about it, and agree we both have been jerks to each other. I think we are just both stressed, for being overly mean. Normally we actually just talk, and our conversations get a little heated but nothing like it was last week.

I think we do fine with communication for the most part. We still have to work on somethings...

Over all i think his rebellion is him being 22 years old. Like I said I dont care if he goes out with his friends, if he is going to cheat he will cheat, same goes for me. I just dont want that girl back around my boyfriend. I will beat her up Just because I dont like how she is..

but anyways thank you again CW

and I found out because I snooped, thought something was wrong, and checked his phone, and I was right. But after asking about it he came clean. And yes he does sometimes, and tries to be very sweet. I think we just had a bad week, first time in a year. At least that I can remember.

Also and I do trust him, but I still have a lot of fears. I have always had trust issues with people. Especially men, a lot of messed up relationships from the past..

thanks again both of you :0