mayfly

I recently broke up with my boyfriend of almost a year. He put in so much effort into this relationship it amazes me. I learned from him what I ultimately want in a man. I have never ever felt like I was with someone who deserved me until I was with him, and I even thought he was too good for me! I was kind of in shock that he was with me. He has shown me what kind of treatment a man is capable of giving a woman; he gave me unconditional love and support and made me feel special. I've really never experienced anything close to that before. He was truely an amazing boyfriend.

However, I felt like something was missing. I can't really get specific, because I don't know what it is. I just don't know if I see us lasting forever. I just didn't think it was fair to either of us for me to say things are fine when I don't think they are. I just wish I could have given him a solid reason for breaking up. I'm scared things will continue to be the same and we'll be at the same spot. I just feel like there should be something closer between partners. I try to talk to him, but conversations just don't evolve like they do with my girlfriends. I can confide so easily in my girls, and I can't confide in him.
Everything about him is amazing. He's brilliant, funny, outgoing, and my family and friends love him. He also makes enough money to take care of himself and me...even though he hardly works(which means he has lots and lots of free time). The things that bother me are our lack of communication (deeper communication) and his lack of motivation. He wrote me a really long letter the day after I ended it in which he told me that he's been depressed for about 5 months or so, and he hasn't shared it with anyone. He said he's been hiding it, mostly with his humor. He said to me that what was missing was the normal him, and that he could never expect me to open up to him when he doesn't fully open up to me. I wouldn't really have guessed it. I maybe saw a couple of signs thinking back on things but I really wouldn't have thought it was depression. One thing I definitely noticed was his lack of motivation...laziness seems like a bit too harsh of a term. But I know how incredibly intelligent he is, and how charming he is and I was hoping with all of the free time he had this summer that he would have done something awesome. (he's an artist, and he does VERY well for himself) I know he didn't need the money, and that wasn't the issue, but with all his talent and all that you are capable of, he should try to make something happen because he wanted to and not because he needed to. I will say though, he did mention it in his letter, and he said he would work on it.

So, it's been a couple days, and I haven't heard from him. He messaged me today and he asked me if I would go to dinner with him in a few days. I told him I would. I don't know what's going to happen at dinner, but I have a feeling he's going to try and get me back. I know he loves me terribly. Have I made a terrible decision? Should I ignore my gut feeling that if it wasn't now, it would be in the future and it would just be harder to do it. I feel like I'm making the best choice, even though it's very hard. Should I give him another chance? Is there such a thing as starting over? I know he'll do whatever it takes to turn our relationship around. I just don't know what to ask him to do... Do you believe people can really change? Anyway, any advice would be more than welcome. If you need me to clarify on anything more, let me know. Thanks.

GlitterAndStuds

While you do sound conflicted, I'm wondering if giving the relationship another chance is what YOU want. Like, really really want. You say he's an incredible guy, and he sounds it, but something is making you think it's not right to stay together. I want to ask what it is that got you thinking that in the first place. I'm only speaking for myself, but if I'm in a perfect relationship, I don't think about NOT being with that person unless there's something that bugs me about them, or I'm attracted to someone else (not saying any of this is the case with you).

If staying with him and making the relationship work is something you want, then I'd say do it, since he sounds like a good guy and he's opening up to you. But at the same time, if you're second guessing your choices the whole time, it will never work. Sometimes we're with someone who can be perfect in every sense of the word, but they're just not perfect for us. I'd say you need to evaluate and seriously think about what you want, and how you would feel without him. And whether you would be happier in or out of the relationship. Yes, it's clear he wants to make it work, but you have to both want it.

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mayfly

It's something I have been thinking about. I mean, the weird thing is that it's not like something was so bad that caused it to happen; things have been fine. I think I could go on being okay with how it is, but I do'nt think indefinitely. I guess I'm not fully satisfied, and I know if I could tell him what it was I needed he would give it to me in a second. I just don't think we're perfect for each other. I began to question us when we broke up for a day back in May. But it was worth another shot so I gave it another shot. Lately, I just don't see it being 'it.' Maybe I should have talked to him about it. I didn't tell him how I was feeling, and I just kind of dumped it on him. I'm conflicted because our relationship is good; everything about it is good (with the exception of our communication; but even that was getting better.) I'm not sure if him openeing up to me will allow me to do the same.

By the way, the reason we broke up in May is because I had booked a trip to New York on a whim, and I didn't tell him. It conflicted with his plan to take me to Ohio to meet his parents. I had found out I had more time on my break than initially, but I went ahead and decided to go to New York before I discussed the trip to see his family with him. I really hurt him then, and he broke up with me. But he came back the next day and said he was an idiot, and he'd rather work it out than throw it away.

GlitterAndStuds

Hmm, I hate to say it.. but you saying you don't think this is "it" probably means it isn't. I hate to tell someone to go against giving it a shot, especially when it sounds like you guys have a good relationship otherwise.

I've been in relationships like that though, where the guy is great and treats me amazingly, but I'm just not feeling it as much as I should be. If you stay in a relationship where you feel like that, it's true that you won't be fulfilling your true potential of being satisfied and happy in it. If you've been thinking about it for a while now, maybe it's best to take some time off.

Either way, if you're thinking things like you're "not perfect for each other" and it's not "it", then maybe you need to have a talk with him.

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caterpillar79

I concur wiht glitters...In addition to that, ask yourself about what you truly want in a relationship, in a guy. Make a list and come up with the top 10. Come up with your non-negotiables and what not...This will help you outline your plan, so as to aide you on whether or not giving it a try...include what you like and not like about him (another checklist), and weigh everything.

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WildChild

I can relate to the opening up that he spoke of. The LOML has become more and more closed (with occasional opening ups but not emotionally) That makes it very hard to fully trust and be and stay open. This man is telling you he want the two of you to have a higher level relationship but isn't finding you open to it. That is probably due to your self doubt and lack of self esteem. You don't feel you deserve to be treated so well and that makes it hard to treat you well.

You need to work on yourself for a while.

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caterpillar79

I agree with WC 100%.

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Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, but learning how to dance in the rain.