tritonalum07

My mom tells me that the reason country music exists is because of experiences like mine. I am 24 and have had two real relationships, both of which ended because of what I like to call emotional retardation on the part of the man. One was verbally abusive, which I put a stop to when I broke up with him, and the other was so confused about what he wanted that I just couldn't take it anymore. I find that no matter where I find the man--whether it be online, someone I've known for a long time and would have taken an oath on their being a good person, through a mutual friend, the bookstore, etc., I ALWAYS get burned. Usually, there's another girl involved that they were with/dated/etc., and they're either getting back to together with them (without me knowing they existed in the first place, because I would never intentionally date someone I knew had feelings for someone else hidden away).

It's to the point that I tell myself not to get excited anymore, because if I don't get excited, I can't get hurt. I feel so bitter about other people finding someone, which makes me feel like a horrible person. I'm conscious of the fact that I'm bitter and that if I keep it up there's a possibility of passing by a great guy because I'm so busy being angry at all the hurt that I've endured and all the bitterness I feel towards people who have already found someone. I know that I shouldn't feel this way but I can't figure out how to change my mind set. I don't have the greatest self esteem because of what keeps happening to me over and over, and each time I repair it a little, I meet someone who rips it back down. As I write this I realize how many issues I have with myself--self-esteem, bitterness, hopelessness--and I would love to know if anyone else has ever been through this and what you did to help yourself.

Please keep in mind that I'm in general a quiet person. I don't like parties or being around huge groups of people, but I also lack the self confidence to just walk up to some man and start talking. I don't know what to do.

CHANDLERS WISH

Your at an age where guys hopefully, have gone past the "knotch on the belt" and have gained long term relationships, (their first love) however, haven't gotten over it, even though they will claim that they have.

Same for me, (46) I am at the age where they are bitter, having been through cheating or Divorce or Divorce because of cheating, or the lady has decided to take them to the cleaners and their trust issues are "baggage" yet, they claim they don't have any.

How to you find the one that has truly moved on? Maybe by the length of time they have been seperated from that relationship, 12 months perhaps? Maybe in your conversations establish that and if it's only been a few months or 6, 8 then perhaps they still have feelings which is no good for you, in a relationship.

It will change as you get older by a couple of years as the guys would have moved onto another relationship perhaps their third, your in a bit of a time zone I think.

Nothing wrong with not liking parties/pubs/clubs - groups but you do also need to work on yourself (take that in the right light) because if you have a "fear" of these things and a "fear" of not being able to ask a guy out regardless of the outcome, then your only allowing 50% of your life to work in your favour.

Maybe join a gym, or a class of a hobby you like and learn to mingle more so you can oliminate this and also it will work in your favour in obtaining a confident man as he sees a confident woman in front of him.

Perhaps your attracting "weaker" men, those who needed the ex because the ex was like a Mum, what they were used to, not nurturing like you if that be the case, rather more "the boss" and they can't live with them for that reason...

A hold.

Work on you first before you go back out there ... but dont' be disalussioned, it's also a numbers game with finding someone that "fits" ... We are not all idential naturally and so we aren't all compatable.

CW

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tritonalum07

Thank you for your response. Of the 51 people who have looked at my post, you were the only one kind enough to leave some advice for me. I'm still very discouraged, as I just found out that an ex of mine, who I have never fully let go of, is now dating someone, despite the fact that he never wants to be married or have kids, so there's no real point to him dating anyone. I've held on to the idea of what I wanted him to be for a long time but I feel like this is a sign that I need to fully let go. Take my resentment and move on, not looking for anyone or anything. I definitely need to work on myself because my self esteem hasn't been this low since I was in middle school, 10+ years ago. Maybe when I feel good about myself, I'll attract the right person. When that happens, there will be other hurdles to jump over as there are things about me only a non-judgmental person would be able to accept, but there's no point in worrying about that right now. I'm babbling. Thanks again for your reply.

CHANDLERS WISH

I'm going to reply to you haha, because then it remains at the top of the board for other's to see and reply to... 51 people may have viewed but thought they couldn't add, or they hadn't experienced what you had or they wanted to tell me I was wrong lol.. who knows. But it is the weekend and we are definately alot quieter her over that time. I will try to keep my eyes out for this thread and bring it up again...

You know though, guys that "don't want marriage" will keep going on with relationships until that lady starts the marriage thing, then they will move on again... Until one day they actually perhaps want marriage themselves. It's quite normal, it doesn't mean that he didn't love you...

You do have to work on yourself, we all do, your no orphan.

And, we all have issues as well, I think the trick is not to tell the S/0 straight away, let them fall for you then discuss any problems you have... I am sure they have problems to.

CW

__________________
Do we not realise that in order to find a soul
It doesn't happen over night
if truth were to be told

Like everything in life that's hard to achieve
you must believe!

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sourpuss

I always say..."If you've made it to the age of 30 without any baggage, then you've led a pretty boring life."
Failed relationships suck, but they are a part of life...unfortunately.

I've never been the one that guys are interested in. I've always been the tomboy/friend. I finally gave up and became ok with just being happy with being me, alone and doing my own thing to make me happy....and suddenly, for the first time in my life, I have guys beating down my door. No joke. It's weird. As soon as I decided that I was over trying to make dead end relationships work and just spend time on myself, it was like all the good guys came out of the woodwork and suddenly have an interest.

Be yourself, love yourself and put you efforts in to being happy and compassionate and the right person will come along.

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WildChild

Quit counting. Two real relationships, 51 people read...
The idea of working on yourself is a good one, Focus on being the best you can be - for you. Anyone who comes along will have to fit with your life. Too often we women just wait for a man before we start living-in his life, instead of living our lives.

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baja

Tritonalum07, honestly I think you are being hard on yourself. You know, we all have had those kinds of relationships where we feel we take a step forward only to be knocked back 2+ steps, perhaps the difference is the extent you let it get under your skin and how well you can bounce-back.

Don't measure yourself by what happens to you, who you are with, what they do, what company you work for or which side of the bed you fell off of. Think about what makes you happy... do more of it. Think about what you want to accomplish in life... make sure you're still on that path. Think about where you get your source of strength... spend more time there. Then relax, be happy, the world will come to you!

AloneNtheCrowd

I totally understand! OMG I have been in the exact same boat! To the point all my friends and family thought I needed to talk to a professional! I was sooooo bitter! I hated seeing other people finding love, I was always like"you fools, you'll just screw each other over sooner or later... idiots! " I renounced relationships all together! It was very bad... I have been cheated on in just about every relationship I was ever in. Talk about being burned again and again! It takes a heavy toll on your spirt, mind and self-esteem! Trust me I know! You are telling me my own story almost! I just stopped trying at all to be honest, I actually made and effort to not care or try to even look for someone... I was DONE. And strangely once I just let go of the hope of ever being with someone, I slowly got better, happier.... just being me and not needing anyone. It was liberating! And my esteem and overall well being slooowly got better. I know we are in different situations but I say all of that to say this: You aren't the only one, and it will get better. I know, I would have laughed at someone had said that to me a few years ago but it's true. Forget about all those losers! Focus on you and be happy with you, and if someone worth your time shows up then great! I could be wrong about all that I have said but it's my honest opinion.... all that you said really touched me, it's the first time someone else expressed the way I had felt for a long time. I know you can get past it if I did!

danceintx

Oh, how many times I have been in your shoes. I have been cheated on, hit, lied to, even lied to about having Leukemia, stolen from, demeaned, called names, all by men who said they loved me. At some point in all this craziness, I finally realized one main thing that was making me end up with these guys. I was looking for someone to love me. Which they should, but anyone, just anyone who wanted to love me I would follow to the ends of the earth. Then after being through the last, and worst abusive relationship, realized I was doing it all wrong. I needed to love me, then I needed to meet the man that I wanted to give love to. That it mattered what I wanted and that I would hold out for the man of my dreams, and wouldn't give a about the ones proffesing to love me. And I think I did, I finally, after 33 years and a failed marriage and 2 kids, met a man that I adore more than anyone else I have ever been with, and he treats me wonderful. And when I met him I was bitter too, a man hater if you want, and felt like my chances of meeting anyone with out a personality disorder or addiction would be slim to none. My advice is to work on yourself, love yourself, put yourself first and you will find what you are looking for.

happy ending

you might be shy and quiet but you need to get yourself out there, when my marriage ended i had no confidence and was just about a hermit. i started to get involved with things even though at first i felt very insecure and sometimes physically ill. i started going to belly dancing, found a job, did volunteer work as i got out i got more confident. when i felt more confident i met a wonderful man and even though we do have our problems sometimes, its worth it. good luck hope everything works out ok