MNTwinsGirl1985

So…

I am COMPLETELY confused and torn up inside…

I am 24 and I had been with my previous boyfriend for almost 7 years, since I was 16 years old. In November of last year, I met someone else online, while I intended on it being a friendship, it turned into something more. He was everything I was looking for to fill the voids that I had with my then boyfriend, and I thought he was perfect for me. So perfect that I broke up with my boyfriend of 7 years and moved to another state to spend more time with this new guy.

Backtracking a bit… the reason I was no longer happy with the old boyfriend was because he had been dabbling a bit in online dating sites, and though he never physically cheated on me, he was still looking for something else. It pushed me away, and I thought because he was only ever intimate with me, he was searching for new experiences with other girls.

Now, I am in a healthy relationship with this new guy. He is amazing, but I still am hung up on the old guy. We still talk occasionally, and I really care deeply about him because he was such a huge part of my life. Recently, I spoke with him and found out he was looking into dating a new girl. It brought out this crazy jealousy monster, and for some reason now all I really want to do is go back home and start my relationship over with him because I can’t possibly fathom the thought of him ever being with someone else.

I am in love with 2 completely different men. It’s literally screwing up my brain, and I wish I knew how to shut the feelings off for one person and keep the other. The problem is, I can’t pick one.

I don’t want anyone to get hurt. I care about both of them. However the new guy isn’t “marriage material” since he lives with a family member and doesn’t have very much enthusiasm about moving out and being a grown up. Granted, he is a great loving gentle man…

The other would marry me in a heartbeat. I could have the house, the husband, start a family and have total security - but, I would always wonder in the back of my mind if he was wondering about experiencing sex with another woman because I am the only one he has ever been with.

Holy Cannoli.

Please lend some advice… I’m really in need of it!

Thank you!

CHANDLERS WISH

This is probably the problem...

You were both 16 years of age and only knew each other.

Sometimes, that isn't enough and people want to get out there and explore.

Certainly, you may lose him, he may be totally happy in another relationship.

But, the bottom line is if you were seriously "in-love" with this new guy you wouldn't be thinking of the picket fence with the ex.

But, having said that, you really are more jealous than anything else I think and scared that you may never be able to go back.

That's the choice you made when you left him.. You can't expect him to sit back either, off course he's going to want what you have now, a relationship of some sorts.

But, neither of you were totally happy before, even if he was "curious", you also did the same thing...

So, the core of the problem was what?

You both wanted to experiement?

You didn't have the best sex life?

You had different dreams, ambitions?

What do you honestly think was the core reason that you both started looking elsewhere.

The answer to your question may really be in you answering that question.

CW

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stressed

If you were in love with your ex for who he was, despite his flaws, then you wouldn't have left him over a man you met on the internet. Secondly, if he was in love and happy with you he wouldn't be looking at dating sites when he knew it was bothering you and he'd definitely not start another relationship so soon. Thirdly, if you were truly in love with your current man you wouldn't care less about your ex, you'd only feel happy that you moved out.
Conclusion: I think you have to find out what you want. Neither of these men seem able to provide you with that. You are probably considering your ex again because you have realized that your current bf is not marriage material, while the ex was. You have the relationship but not the marriage. Before, you had the marriage but not the relationship. You are young and I am sure you can find something that completes you, because at the moment you are incomplete. When it comes to relationships you have to be selfish when it comes to how YOU feel, don't think that "I will hurt him so I will stay with him instead" and ruin your life.

stressed

p.s. End contact with your ex, still talking with him is both unfair to your current man and bad for you in the long run. I'm surprised that your boyfriend accepts this. And, honestly, you cannot be 'in love' with two people. You have different feelings for both, but only you know what kinds of feelings they are.

GlitterAndStuds

You have to think of things this way: Your ex is an ex for a reason. You weren't completely happy with him, otherwise this wouldn't even be an issue. I think you're considering going back to him just because of the jealousy you're feeling, not because you WANT to be with him again. Trust me, I had the same thing happen back in high school. It was my first serious boyfriend, I was with him for 2 years then broke up with him because I liked another guy and it just wasn't working anyway. Then this girl started showing interest in him, they started hanging out and it drove me crazy. But I had no desire to be with him again. It was just bothering me because I was so used to being with him for so long that the idea of someone else being with him was really weird.

You sound happy with your current guy, at least for the most part. If he treats you well and makes you feel good, I would let the whole moving out thing go for a little bit. Nowadays, a lot of people take a while to move out of their parents house because they like to save money, etc. If it's still an issue later on, deal with it then. And I would recommend cutting way down on the contact with your ex. I know you were together 7 years and it's a big adjustment, but it will be good for you. You moved on with this guy, he should be able to do the same. You'll get over all that, I promise.

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Kallygirlie

If you are anything like I was when I was 24 (only 2 yrs ago) I was over worried about getting married. You clearly state marriage as being a factor in what you are explaining. Your current is not marriage material but who's do say that is true? Obviously you want a man that can support you which most women do. We dont want a momma's boy that wont stand on his own 2 feet but saying this, you either have to except who he is or let him go. If you know for sure that he will never provide what you want from your relationship, then you cant continue on that path. You also have not been in this new relationship that long correct? Who's do say in a yr, he could change? He may want the white fence more than you may know.

With the ex. I think I'll call this the first love illness. Its like a plaque that wont leave us women alone. I think he was your first love so you naturally hold him dear to your heart. alot of us allow our first love to sit up on a little shelf in our hearts. Take me for example. My first love was Kevin. met my senior yr of high school. we dated off and on for 3 yrs. broke up about 4 times. The final time he broke off our engagement. I cut all ties with him. 5 yrs later I found him online and jsut said hi, he was floored i ever wanted to talk to him. I met him at his work and we hugged. We were both single and it was like no time had passed. a few months later he started dating a girl and they came to my place. boy did the jealousy bug kick in. Them wrestling on my living room floor, i wanted to toss her out the window. we got busy and him and his ex brok up a yr later. the next time I saw him, i felt 16 again. he pulled me under the mistle toe at my apartment and we made out the rest of the night. I so felt like I was in love with him all over again. we talked about getting back together. Heck he even told me he thought about me right before his bride walked down the aisle...lol (he's now divorced and remarried). He decided to give his most recent ex a chance since his son was really close to her and they are now married. I'm happy for him but it still gives me this feeling in the pit of my stomach of jealousy.

you have to determine if these feelings are just the love of the first person you loved. Or it could also be the fact that your back up is now gone. if things didn't work out with your current you always had that ex there, single and still loving you. Honestly, I think it would not be fair fo ryou to come between your ex trying to date someone else. let him be happy. You are happy for the most part with your current boyfriend. The not being marriage material really shouldn't be part of the reason. Maybe he's just not ready for that step. all things you should talk about

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Miya

Hmm..at the risk of sounding like a I'm going to venture here and say that you have already made the choice. Whether or not he was looking at dating sites, you said he had never done anything. You on the other hand DID do something so really you were the unfaithful one. Perhaps you should have both talked about what issues arose that led you to looking at these sites before you broke up with him.

You can't and shouldn't expect him to wait around for you. If the situation was reversed and a guy had done that to me I'd never take them back because I'd always have this thought in the back of my mind that they did it once and they'll do it again.

If he truly didn't do anything wrong in the first place then you've hurt your ex deeply over choosing this "amazing" "man" who IMO it's now your responsibility to decide what to do with this new guy and let your ex find his happiness somewhere else, not keep some false hope that you'll come back. Let him get on with his life and you live with (or without) your choice.

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do not dream of the future,
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MNTwinsGirl1985

I appreciate all of you taking the time to respond to my post. I think the best solution to this problem is to just be single. Single to me is a foreign word I have never ever been single and without a man.

I need to find myself, figure out who I am and maybe then I can have a healthy relationship with someone.

Now the fun begins

Miya

I think you've made a good choice to be by yourself for a while to find out who you are, what you really want, and what you need (well would like in) another person.

Some of the happiest and longest-lasting relationships come when both parties know the answers to these questions. You really only can find happiness in yourself. When you do though you can share this happiness with those you love.

All the best to you.

__________________
Do not dwell in the past,
do not dream of the future,
concentrate the mind on the present moment.

-Lord Buddha