insecurity, as bad as hacking into bfs mailbox

**jaygirlweek96** · 09-26-2009, 04:36 AM

I have had this probelm for years. I feel very insecure in my relationships. I can't go a day without checking my bfs texts, I got his passwords and started checking his box daily.
It has gotten so bad now. We recently broke up though, but I want to change. I started even making sure that I took up all his free time so he wld not be able to spend time withother women.
He always complained. One thing I still don't understand is that why should you feel bad about something if u are innocent? (Guys pls answer).
Anyway I want to change. Anytips or sites that can help wld be appreciated. I am a med dr, but we don't have any thing like therapists for such issues here where I live.
Anyone who has overcome clingyness/neediness/insecurity, pls advice.

**WildChild** · 09-26-2009, 05:23 AM

Do you have any idea where this came from? When did it start? Can you think of a time when you weren't this way?
Innocent people don't like to feel they are under interrogation or suspicion.

**happy ending** · 09-26-2009, 05:35 AM

i am certainly not unfaithful to my boyfriend but would freak if i found him going through my emails etc, thats horrible its a total infringement. even if you are with someone who still have a right to your privacy.

**jaygirlweek96** · 09-26-2009, 06:36 AM

Growing up, my dad used to always tell us other people were better than us. He said it was to help us struggle to become the best.
So its been right from childhood. He never showed us much love and made us work extra hard for his approval. I. Have only been in three relationships and they have all been like that. Unfortunately despite all my monitoring, my second bf still cheated on me with another girl for one year. So the one after that, I unconciously stepped up my investigation skills to prevent d same from happening.
I know its bad. That's y I want to stop

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 09-26-2009, 06:59 AM

Love yourself sweet.

That's the first thing you need to understand. It's like you will keep searching for it and each time someone enters your life, your like a Private Investigator on watch 24/7 driving them nuts and eventually leaving.. or... in..someone's arms.

Your also picking the wrong guys if each one has done this to you...

Love yourself is easier said than done but you have to start somewhere.

Loads of people grew up with tough love and at the same time, felt un-loved because their parents were bought up that way, because they think it's right and because they also don't know how to show it.

Understanding that it's them not you is the first step don't you think?

Animals. You can see how much love is inside of you, by the way you love your animals.

Yet you aren't checking up on them.. See? Yet you love them back un-conditionally why? Because they will not leave you.

Goodness at your age, there are going to be more relationships and one that you just can't let go of nor him you and it's your turn to be a parent..

Just take each relationship with TRUST, (just don't pick a player

)..

And realize your worth.. That just because your parents don't have all that love in them like you do, doesn't mean your different or wrong, it is beautiful and you should start using it and feeling it...

Jealousy is purely because you have fear.

And, fear is a wasted word... Things happen, not in our control and also in our control, just realize your first step is to understand your parents actions/ways, smile and know you are different and with much love and beautiful.

Sound like a preacher don't I, lol.

But also, you may have a tad of OCD behavior and you may wish to see someone about that, if you can't control the behavior, or even an Addictive personality, see someone and ascertain what they think and start learning up on them and see what you find to help in that regard.

I will say from girls I know as well as thousands of posts here, your no orphan so don't think your the only one at your age, your definitely not... let alone older.

CW

**AloneNtheCrowd** · 09-26-2009, 11:02 AM

Hi Jaygirl! Well this is quite a serious problem! And it sounds like it's deeply rooted too... I think you should talk with a professional about it and see if they can help you work through this. It will prevent you from ever having a healthy relationship! You have to realize that you can't know everything someone is doing... and even if you watch someone 24/7. No one likes feeling like they are being accused or distrusted, especially when they haven't done anything wrong. Being able to trust your SO is essential in a relationship. Please see someone about this, your future happiness may depend on it! No good/healthy guy is going to put up with that kind of thing forever... Good luck!

**Tex** · 09-26-2009, 11:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jaygirlweek96

I started even making sure that I took up all his free time so he wld not be able to spend time withother women.
He always complained. One thing I still don't understand is that why should you feel bad about something if u are innocent? (Guys pls answer).

Because everyone is entitled to their privacy and some personal space. For example, I can't spend all my free time with the same person, no matter how much I like them. Sometimes I just need a change in scenery and sometimes I need time to myself where I can just veg out and not see or hear anything. It's nothing personal.

It can be good to be apart, even if only for just a few minutes or a few hours. You'll keep from smothering each other, and it makes the time that you do spend together even more precious and special.

**happy ending** · 09-26-2009, 09:59 PM

i would hate, hate, hate for my boyfriend to read my emails etc, even if they are only about new shoes, or whatever, maybe i'm having a moan about him or whatever. if i wanted him to know i would tell him. i think you are creating these scenarios. seeing a counsellor is a great idea. you need to deal with this. stop blaming your dad or whatever and deal with what you have now.

**LanaBear** · 09-26-2009, 10:06 PM

I think everyone is entitled to a bit of privacy. I would never go through my hubby's stuff like that, but I trust him implicitly. He has the same respect for me. If he were to ask, I'd tell him, I have nothing to hide and vice versa. You've got to maintain a little space and individuality to be your own person.

If the tables were turned, how would you honestly feel? It's bound to cause problems and I would definitely seek professional help to try and help you with your insecurities.

**rcoreyus** · 09-26-2009, 11:56 PM

Trust is such an important part of a relationship - if you can't trust him, you are missing a lot out of life.

09-26-2009, 04:36 AM	#1
jaygirlweek96 VIP Member Join Date: Jul 2009 Posts: 45 Blog Entries: 1	insecurity, as bad as hacking into bfs mailbox I have had this probelm for years. I feel very insecure in my relationships. I can't go a day without checking my bfs texts, I got his passwords and started checking his box daily. It has gotten so bad now. We recently broke up though, but I want to change. I started even making sure that I took up all his free time so he wld not be able to spend time withother women. He always complained. One thing I still don't understand is that why should you feel bad about something if u are innocent? (Guys pls answer). Anyway I want to change. Anytips or sites that can help wld be appreciated. I am a med dr, but we don't have any thing like therapists for such issues here where I live. Anyone who has overcome clingyness/neediness/insecurity, pls advice.

09-26-2009, 05:23 AM	#2
WildChild Gold Contributor 500+ Posts Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Western USA Posts: 6,223 Blog Entries: 5	Do you have any idea where this came from? When did it start? Can you think of a time when you weren't this way? Innocent people don't like to feel they are under interrogation or suspicion. __________________ We can only learn to love by loving. Iris Mudoch, British writer

09-26-2009, 06:59 AM	#5
CHANDLERS WISH WH Moderator Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Australia Posts: 9,905 Blog Entries: 7	Love yourself sweet. That's the first thing you need to understand. It's like you will keep searching for it and each time someone enters your life, your like a Private Investigator on watch 24/7 driving them nuts and eventually leaving.. or... in..someone's arms. Your also picking the wrong guys if each one has done this to you... Love yourself is easier said than done but you have to start somewhere. Loads of people grew up with tough love and at the same time, felt un-loved because their parents were bought up that way, because they think it's right and because they also don't know how to show it. Understanding that it's them not you is the first step don't you think? Animals. You can see how much love is inside of you, by the way you love your animals. Yet you aren't checking up on them.. See? Yet you love them back un-conditionally why? Because they will not leave you. Goodness at your age, there are going to be more relationships and one that you just can't let go of nor him you and it's your turn to be a parent.. Just take each relationship with TRUST, (just don't pick a player ).. And realize your worth.. That just because your parents don't have all that love in them like you do, doesn't mean your different or wrong, it is beautiful and you should start using it and feeling it... Jealousy is purely because you have fear. And, fear is a wasted word... Things happen, not in our control and also in our control, just realize your first step is to understand your parents actions/ways, smile and know you are different and with much love and beautiful. Sound like a preacher don't I, lol. But also, you may have a tad of OCD behavior and you may wish to see someone about that, if you can't control the behavior, or even an Addictive personality, see someone and ascertain what they think and start learning up on them and see what you find to help in that regard. I will say from girls I know as well as thousands of posts here, your no orphan so don't think your the only one at your age, your definitely not... let alone older. CW __________________ Do we not realise that in order to find a soul It doesn't happen over night if truth were to be told Like everything in life that's hard to achieve you must believe! Register! \| Rules/FAQ \| Contact Mod

09-26-2009, 10:06 PM	#9
LanaBear Gold Contributor 500+ Posts Moon Lander Champion! Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: A cozy little cottage on the moon. :-) Posts: 1,646 Blog Entries: 5	I think everyone is entitled to a bit of privacy. I would never go through my hubby's stuff like that, but I trust him implicitly. He has the same respect for me. If he were to ask, I'd tell him, I have nothing to hide and vice versa. You've got to maintain a little space and individuality to be your own person. If the tables were turned, how would you honestly feel? It's bound to cause problems and I would definitely seek professional help to try and help you with your insecurities. __________________ Sometimes life isn't the party we hoped for, but since we're here, we might as well DANCE!

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09-26-2009, 05:35 AM	#3
happy ending Gold Contributor 500+ Posts Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: western australia Posts: 655	i am certainly not unfaithful to my boyfriend but would freak if i found him going through my emails etc, thats horrible its a total infringement. even if you are with someone who still have a right to your privacy.

09-26-2009, 06:36 AM	#4
jaygirlweek96 VIP Member Join Date: Jul 2009 Posts: 45 Blog Entries: 1	Growing up, my dad used to always tell us other people were better than us. He said it was to help us struggle to become the best. So its been right from childhood. He never showed us much love and made us work extra hard for his approval. I. Have only been in three relationships and they have all been like that. Unfortunately despite all my monitoring, my second bf still cheated on me with another girl for one year. So the one after that, I unconciously stepped up my investigation skills to prevent d same from happening. I know its bad. That's y I want to stop

09-26-2009, 11:02 AM	#6
AloneNtheCrowd VIP Member Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: South Carolina Posts: 64	Hi Jaygirl! Well this is quite a serious problem! And it sounds like it's deeply rooted too... I think you should talk with a professional about it and see if they can help you work through this. It will prevent you from ever having a healthy relationship! You have to realize that you can't know everything someone is doing... and even if you watch someone 24/7. No one likes feeling like they are being accused or distrusted, especially when they haven't done anything wrong. Being able to trust your SO is essential in a relationship. Please see someone about this, your future happiness may depend on it! No good/healthy guy is going to put up with that kind of thing forever... Good luck!

09-26-2009, 09:59 PM	#8
happy ending Gold Contributor 500+ Posts Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: western australia Posts: 655	i would hate, hate, hate for my boyfriend to read my emails etc, even if they are only about new shoes, or whatever, maybe i'm having a moan about him or whatever. if i wanted him to know i would tell him. i think you are creating these scenarios. seeing a counsellor is a great idea. you need to deal with this. stop blaming your dad or whatever and deal with what you have now.

09-26-2009, 11:56 PM	#10
rcoreyus March 2008 "Poster of the Month" Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: SF bay area Posts: 1,333	Trust is such an important part of a relationship - if you can't trust him, you are missing a lot out of life.

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