Recognizing/Breaking Dating Cycles (Long post, but need insight)

**JustaGirl** · 09-26-2009, 01:32 PM

I have always been the LTR girl. From 18-28 I was in back to back relationships and the shortest one lasted 2 years. The first one, the 6 year one, was the absolute love of my life but we were simply young and too different to grow together. Since we had mutual friends we literally saw one another every day from the moment we started dating. I was completely content bending over backwards to make time for us, and while I know he loved me deeply, I also know that we had really no common interest. I broke my own heart when I realized this, and broke up with him. In hindsight I recognize that we were truly in love with one another and to this day have never felt such love and passion. I also know that I really sacraficed more of myself than I should have all those years.

The next relationsihp, the 3 year one, was quite the opposite. This guy could not have possibly had my heart, because it still genuinely belonged to the 6-year guy. I really had fun with him and cared very much about him, but in hindsight I think I was most attracted to the fact that I didn't have to bend over backwards to find common interest and make time for us to be together. He filled the one gap that was missing from the previous relationship. He wanted to do anything and everything with me and I loved it. Unfortunately, I was not in love with him and there were many incompatibilities in our personalities. Ironically we married and started a business together because it all made sense LOGICALLY. Long story short, he was ultimately a very decietful person full of lies, anger, and disrespect for others. Best decision I ever made was leaving him, though it was a financial disaster.

The next guy, 2-3 year relationship, was kind of a combination of the previous 2 I guess. He doted on me constantly and spent every moment with me. Cooking for me, taking me on picnics, stargazing, etc. Very romantic and intimate things all the time. It was fun. But long story short this guy turned out to be either phsychotic or a con-artist. After we moved in together he suddenly got ill and couldn't work (conveniently during football season) so basically I was supporting us. That ended really badly like out of a lifetime movie. I literally packed his stuff, checked it into a hotel, and when he arrived home I sent him in a cab and told him not to come back. I had suspected he was faking his illness and felt like a jerk for such a thought, but that day when I kicked him out it was completely validated that I was right.

SO, that's my dating history. Since the last "winner" I decided to take a break from dating because clearly I was in a bad cycle and the only thing consistent was ME. I told myself that no matter WHO asked me out, I would not accept the date until I had recognized what I was doing and found a way to break it. Also, I wanted to make sure I was not one of those people who are just afraid to be alone. It's been 5 years now that I have been single.

At first I was sick and tired of men and felt like they all used me for something, so I was happy to not be dating. Then I met a few young, single, independent women like me and we just had a great time being single! We went to dinner, movies, drinks, theater, festivals, we travelled together, it was awesome! The next thing I knew a few years had passed and I thought "Wow, at least I know that I am not someone who is just afraid to be alone!" For the first time in like 10 years I recognized my own needs and wants, basically who I was, when I didn't have to consider anyone else. It felt good! But at the same time, I started acknowledging that I really am a girl who enjoys having a special someone there to share things with.

There are many people who love you in your life, but there is something different (hopefully!) about a loving relationship. My parents love me, but they also have other children. My sisters love me, but there are 4 sisters. My friends love me, but they have many friends that they love. To me it is special when you are in a committed relationship because you are basically telling each other that "there is just YOU! You are the one that I am making unique and special in my life and I promise to always care about you like I do noone else" and I miss that!

At this point... I am not sure how to find what I want. I genuinely am a domestic at heart. Clearly I am a woman who can be completely self-sufficient on her own, make her own decisions, find joy and pleasures where I please, and live a healthy life independently. I trust that at this point I can spot the red flags early enough to avoid damage, but I find them everywhere. Especially as I get older. I went so far over the line to be a strong independent woman that I don't know how to balance it out. I am not sure I even really recognized what my problem was in the first place!

**mdraven** · 09-26-2009, 01:42 PM

Doesn't sound like you were ever the one with the problem.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 09-26-2009, 05:01 PM

You've learn't to be independent. That's something that so many woman have no comprehension of at a young age, rather they cling to a man as not to be alone.

Our first love is always our first love. You can never shake it.

I'm glad you respect and note "common interests" but you should be viewing "common beliefs" because if you have common beliefs there's little room for arguements and plenty for conversations and communication. Common interests, as you are now independent, you don't want in my "opinion" someone who has all the same interests and they will want you to be with them all the time. You've grown with this and I assume have found some new ones of your own. Rather some common interests.

Don't move in with someone unless you feel a commitment for the future. You will soon establish if they can not only stand on their own two feet but be there for you if the chips are down. As soon as a guy asks for your support you can guarantee that he feels your financially stable and he doesn't give a darn, he can just live off you for a bit. My ex-husband did that to me, doesn't work that way.

All you did was search for what you thought was required in a relationship and picked the guys that spoilt you (initially) in order to win you, from there you saw the light.

Just know who you are, what you want out of life and if on the inset the other person doesn't see what you see, don't take it further.

The longer your alone, the harder it is to get back out there in the dating world, so at least go out on dates so you can remember how girly you are and so you know your still "hot property" haha, seriously...

Just don't have a huge wish list. Rather, communication, commitment, some common interests, fiancially can stand on his own two feet, common beliefs and of course, he's good in bed

CW

**JustaGirl** · 09-27-2009, 12:11 PM

Haha, yes the details are important! Especially that last one! Thank you for your advice and I do feel as though I have those boundaries already. If anything I feel OVERLY protective and on the defense, but its not a natural place for me to be. I am trying to find my balance of Smart and Protective of myself. It's difficult though. I know that not every man is the same, so I can't generalize that they will act the same. It is hard to trust that people are presenting themselves are they truly are though. With no hidden agenda or just putting their best foot forward to get in close to me. As you read, that was how it was unfolding before. Hopefully taking that long break, broke that cycle.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 09-27-2009, 04:25 PM

Your no orphan, guys can and will be extremely nice on the inset to win you over, I think if you talk about core values in topic you'll see if they have no idea what your talking about haha, or not... to ascertain if a second, third date is warranted.. Let them do the talking more so, as I said..

It's a beacccth getting back into the dating world but hey, what's the alternative becoming a Nun?

CW

**caterpillar79** · 10-06-2009, 10:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CHANDLERS WISH

Your no orphan, guys can and will be extremely nice on the inset to win you over, I think if you talk about core values in topic you'll see if they have no idea what your talking about haha, or not... to ascertain if a second, third date is warranted.. Let them do the talking more so, as I said..

It's a beacccth getting back into the dating world but hey, what's the alternative becoming a Nun?

CW

Nooooooooo!

09-26-2009, 01:32 PM	#1
JustaGirl VIP Member Join Date: May 2009 Posts: 36	Recognizing/Breaking Dating Cycles (Long post, but need insight) I have always been the LTR girl. From 18-28 I was in back to back relationships and the shortest one lasted 2 years. The first one, the 6 year one, was the absolute love of my life but we were simply young and too different to grow together. Since we had mutual friends we literally saw one another every day from the moment we started dating. I was completely content bending over backwards to make time for us, and while I know he loved me deeply, I also know that we had really no common interest. I broke my own heart when I realized this, and broke up with him. In hindsight I recognize that we were truly in love with one another and to this day have never felt such love and passion. I also know that I really sacraficed more of myself than I should have all those years. The next relationsihp, the 3 year one, was quite the opposite. This guy could not have possibly had my heart, because it still genuinely belonged to the 6-year guy. I really had fun with him and cared very much about him, but in hindsight I think I was most attracted to the fact that I didn't have to bend over backwards to find common interest and make time for us to be together. He filled the one gap that was missing from the previous relationship. He wanted to do anything and everything with me and I loved it. Unfortunately, I was not in love with him and there were many incompatibilities in our personalities. Ironically we married and started a business together because it all made sense LOGICALLY. Long story short, he was ultimately a very decietful person full of lies, anger, and disrespect for others. Best decision I ever made was leaving him, though it was a financial disaster. The next guy, 2-3 year relationship, was kind of a combination of the previous 2 I guess. He doted on me constantly and spent every moment with me. Cooking for me, taking me on picnics, stargazing, etc. Very romantic and intimate things all the time. It was fun. But long story short this guy turned out to be either phsychotic or a con-artist. After we moved in together he suddenly got ill and couldn't work (conveniently during football season) so basically I was supporting us. That ended really badly like out of a lifetime movie. I literally packed his stuff, checked it into a hotel, and when he arrived home I sent him in a cab and told him not to come back. I had suspected he was faking his illness and felt like a jerk for such a thought, but that day when I kicked him out it was completely validated that I was right. SO, that's my dating history. Since the last "winner" I decided to take a break from dating because clearly I was in a bad cycle and the only thing consistent was ME. I told myself that no matter WHO asked me out, I would not accept the date until I had recognized what I was doing and found a way to break it. Also, I wanted to make sure I was not one of those people who are just afraid to be alone. It's been 5 years now that I have been single. At first I was sick and tired of men and felt like they all used me for something, so I was happy to not be dating. Then I met a few young, single, independent women like me and we just had a great time being single! We went to dinner, movies, drinks, theater, festivals, we travelled together, it was awesome! The next thing I knew a few years had passed and I thought "Wow, at least I know that I am not someone who is just afraid to be alone!" For the first time in like 10 years I recognized my own needs and wants, basically who I was, when I didn't have to consider anyone else. It felt good! But at the same time, I started acknowledging that I really am a girl who enjoys having a special someone there to share things with. There are many people who love you in your life, but there is something different (hopefully!) about a loving relationship. My parents love me, but they also have other children. My sisters love me, but there are 4 sisters. My friends love me, but they have many friends that they love. To me it is special when you are in a committed relationship because you are basically telling each other that "there is just YOU! You are the one that I am making unique and special in my life and I promise to always care about you like I do noone else" and I miss that! At this point... I am not sure how to find what I want. I genuinely am a domestic at heart. Clearly I am a woman who can be completely self-sufficient on her own, make her own decisions, find joy and pleasures where I please, and live a healthy life independently. I trust that at this point I can spot the red flags early enough to avoid damage, but I find them everywhere. Especially as I get older. I went so far over the line to be a strong independent woman that I don't know how to balance it out. I am not sure I even really recognized what my problem was in the first place!

09-26-2009, 05:01 PM	#3
CHANDLERS WISH WH Moderator Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Australia Posts: 9,899 Blog Entries: 7	You've learn't to be independent. That's something that so many woman have no comprehension of at a young age, rather they cling to a man as not to be alone. Our first love is always our first love. You can never shake it. I'm glad you respect and note "common interests" but you should be viewing "common beliefs" because if you have common beliefs there's little room for arguements and plenty for conversations and communication. Common interests, as you are now independent, you don't want in my "opinion" someone who has all the same interests and they will want you to be with them all the time. You've grown with this and I assume have found some new ones of your own. Rather some common interests. Don't move in with someone unless you feel a commitment for the future. You will soon establish if they can not only stand on their own two feet but be there for you if the chips are down. As soon as a guy asks for your support you can guarantee that he feels your financially stable and he doesn't give a darn, he can just live off you for a bit. My ex-husband did that to me, doesn't work that way. All you did was search for what you thought was required in a relationship and picked the guys that spoilt you (initially) in order to win you, from there you saw the light. Just know who you are, what you want out of life and if on the inset the other person doesn't see what you see, don't take it further. The longer your alone, the harder it is to get back out there in the dating world, so at least go out on dates so you can remember how girly you are and so you know your still "hot property" haha, seriously... Just don't have a huge wish list. Rather, communication, commitment, some common interests, fiancially can stand on his own two feet, common beliefs and of course, he's good in bed CW __________________ Do we not realise that in order to find a soul It doesn't happen over night if truth were to be told Like everything in life that's hard to achieve you must believe! Register! \| Rules/FAQ \| Contact Mod

09-27-2009, 12:11 PM	#4
JustaGirl VIP Member Join Date: May 2009 Posts: 36	Thanks Haha, yes the details are important! Especially that last one! Thank you for your advice and I do feel as though I have those boundaries already. If anything I feel OVERLY protective and on the defense, but its not a natural place for me to be. I am trying to find my balance of Smart and Protective of myself. It's difficult though. I know that not every man is the same, so I can't generalize that they will act the same. It is hard to trust that people are presenting themselves are they truly are though. With no hidden agenda or just putting their best foot forward to get in close to me. As you read, that was how it was unfolding before. Hopefully taking that long break, broke that cycle.

09-27-2009, 04:25 PM	#5
CHANDLERS WISH WH Moderator Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Australia Posts: 9,899 Blog Entries: 7	Your no orphan, guys can and will be extremely nice on the inset to win you over, I think if you talk about core values in topic you'll see if they have no idea what your talking about haha, or not... to ascertain if a second, third date is warranted.. Let them do the talking more so, as I said.. It's a beacccth getting back into the dating world but hey, what's the alternative becoming a Nun? CW __________________ Do we not realise that in order to find a soul It doesn't happen over night if truth were to be told Like everything in life that's hard to achieve you must believe! Register! \| Rules/FAQ \| Contact Mod

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09-26-2009, 01:42 PM	#2
mdraven VIP Member Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: PA Posts: 93	Doesn't sound like you were ever the one with the problem.

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