What do i do?

confusedbyhim · 10-01-2009, 01:45 PM

My BF and I have been together for 3 yrs.He had broken up w/EX 1 yr before we got together

.For the first 1 1/2 yrs we were okay and last year she started showing up and bring problems.

She was crying to him all the time and saying she wanted to kill herself and that he had ruined the best years of her life.

He felt bad and told me that he was confused that even though they had their problems that he wanted to make sure that he didn't have feelings.

He said he liked us both. They dated for 5 yrs no one that knows her gets along with her.She did some pretty crazy things too. Well I let him go.

He is 41 yrs old,I am 30 yrs old and she is 35 yrs old. They were never married and no kids. His family and friends don't like her because she has faught with them at one point or another.

Well he tried things out and one day calls me and says he wants to talk. he says that he really can't have a relationship and but that he knows that him and her will never work. He said he knew that I am awesome in every sense of the word (physical,morals,ethics w/his family w/friends) but that he doesn't want any commitment.

That was last year in october.Then I find out that he started seeing her again. It lasted about 2 weeks and then he came looking for me again. I told him that as a friend I couldn't understand it but as an ex even less.

It seems like we have strong feelings for each other but it seems like he breaks down to her.Then in November he left her up until July of this year.

Things were great! We were getting along even though she was calling he would ignore her or gently tell her to please not call.BUT...july was her b-day and the pressure was on. I was surprised he did not give in, then in august his b-day came aroun and again he did not give in. About 2 weeks ago she called that she was going to kill herself and crying....he went to her rescue.

We talked about it and I kind of gave in to him then a few days passed where they didn't talk but then she called him saying she was having problems at work and that they were his fault....he gave into that also only for 1 day and then was back telling me oh sh eshowed up banging on my door.

This situation has made me really insecure when he doesn't pick up the phone I assume immediately he is with her even if he isn't. I do drive bys just to check. Mind you he still says he can't have a relationship.

Then if I confront him he tells me that he will do whatever he wants. He says he doesn't want her or love her.....she calls at all hours I think just to be a pain.

My friends say he loves me but that now I have to put my foot down. he says he doesn't know how to get rid of her.....but yet he gives ion sometimes.

What do I do? He treats me like a wife and her his mistress of once a year or so but thenhe says he wants no relationship...how do I handle this?

Today we fought because this morning I called him and he didn't pick up the phone so you know what I assumed. Monday I told him that maybe I should walk away until he resolved his issues with her but he told me no that he knew he didn't want her.

But today he said do whatever you want. PLease help.

**Kallygirlie** · 10-01-2009, 02:08 PM

for some reason He feels the need to be her rescuer. It could be the things she says to make him feel bad or maybe he really does still have feelings for her. Nonetheless I would stick to your ground and walk away. He tells you not to walk away but he also says he doesn't want a relationship. Hun you are setting yourself up for a world of heart ache with him. Are you hoping he will just one day drop her and coming running to you? It's not going to happen as long as you let him keep all the power over you.

**LanaBear** · 10-01-2009, 02:16 PM

I agree with Kg... Stand your ground and walk. Take his options away from him. If he wants to play her prince charming, let him, but don't let him play you as second fiddle.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 10-01-2009, 06:32 PM

Quote:

Mind you he still says he can't have a relationship.

Then walk...

She's as other's have stated is playing the Victim and he still has feelings for her, feels he has to rescue her and this is what he "wants" to do, not what he "has" to do.

He realises that all that you are / were didn't involve such a mess as what he is in, but that's not what he wants.

Some guys "want" to feel needed... to the extent of they can help this lost soul.

I would imagine he's not with her full time and I can almost feel that he's still sleeping with you or was right?

Yet, he has stated very clearly " I don't want a relationship" whilst on the same accord your ringing and getting upset and driving past his place, and checking up etc, as if your still in one.

Why?

Is he all that? Seriously....

If a man treats you with disrespect ever... then, be strong and walk away from it because you deserve better.

It's too complicated, you'll never trust him, she will never disappear and it's irrelevant if they family don't like her because it's between him and her, not them.

CW

**happy ending** · 10-01-2009, 09:34 PM

i agree totally with CW, your relationship doesnt stand a chance, find someone emotionally available to reward with your love.

**WildChild** · 10-01-2009, 10:58 PM

He says he doesn't want a relationship. Take him at his word. Treat him as though he is an occasionally available freind - that's what he is. He is still tied to the ex and you seem to be a back up. Let go. You aren't happy with the situation, your happiness doesn't depend on him.

Quit calling him, quit making demands, quit asking what is going on - just let go. One of two things will happen; he may call occasionally but will soon vanish if you aren't ready and willing or he will decide he wants you. If the second happens you are likely to see the same behavior, he'll keep it going as long as you put up with it.

You know what you want? It isn't what you are getting, so go look elsewhere.

**GlitterAndStuds** · 10-02-2009, 06:00 AM

It's obvious that part of his heart is still with this woman. Therefore, even if he did want a relationship with you, it wouldn't work anyway because he couldn't give all of it to you. I always say, never start a relationship that you can't give 100% in, and it sounds like he's thinking the same way.

Yes, she sounds like a real pain, but he also lets himself get sucked in. Everyone has a crazy ex. I know I do. And my boyfriend certainly does. His ex will try to contact him all the time and leave voicemails threatening to kill herself if he doesn't call back, but he never does. He doesn't fall for it because he knows it's just a way for her to try and get him to call. She'll never do it and as far as he's concerned, whatever she does is not his responsibility. Mind you, they've been broken up for 2 years and she is now engaged to another guy. Is it annoying? Yeah. But I know where his heart is and it's not with her. This guy has no idea where his is.

He's straight out told you that he doesn't want a relationship, but you do. If you stick around, that's not going to turn out well. I have to agree with everyone else and say to walk away. You don't need that kind of drama and BS in your life.

**Miya** · 10-02-2009, 06:19 AM

I concur with everyone. It's best you just walk away and keep your mind free. He doesn't want a commitment with you and it's something you obviously want from the person you're seeing so the cornerstone of your relationship is cracked to begin with. Time will not make this much better I fear.

It's time to think about yourself and whether you want someone who's not willing to give themselves completely to you and vice-versa or to find someone who WANTS to be with you and completely with you.

**ThexMrs** · 10-03-2009, 09:23 PM

This is as simple as I can put it:

Move on.

He doesn't want a relationship with you.

He always falls to his knees for her whenever she wants him.

This will not end and you shouldn't put up with it.

**OhThereYouAre** · 10-06-2009, 08:13 AM

Not sure you want this baggage. I can tell it's driving you crazy.

I think you're better off without this lot. He doesn't sound like he respects you much.

Pack up, move on.

Good luck.

10-01-2009, 01:45 PM	#1
confusedbyhim Junior Member Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 14	What do i do? My BF and I have been together for 3 yrs.He had broken up w/EX 1 yr before we got together .For the first 1 1/2 yrs we were okay and last year she started showing up and bring problems. She was crying to him all the time and saying she wanted to kill herself and that he had ruined the best years of her life. He felt bad and told me that he was confused that even though they had their problems that he wanted to make sure that he didn't have feelings. He said he liked us both. They dated for 5 yrs no one that knows her gets along with her.She did some pretty crazy things too. Well I let him go. He is 41 yrs old,I am 30 yrs old and she is 35 yrs old. They were never married and no kids. His family and friends don't like her because she has faught with them at one point or another. Well he tried things out and one day calls me and says he wants to talk. he says that he really can't have a relationship and but that he knows that him and her will never work. He said he knew that I am awesome in every sense of the word (physical,morals,ethics w/his family w/friends) but that he doesn't want any commitment. That was last year in october.Then I find out that he started seeing her again. It lasted about 2 weeks and then he came looking for me again. I told him that as a friend I couldn't understand it but as an ex even less. It seems like we have strong feelings for each other but it seems like he breaks down to her.Then in November he left her up until July of this year. Things were great! We were getting along even though she was calling he would ignore her or gently tell her to please not call.BUT...july was her b-day and the pressure was on. I was surprised he did not give in, then in august his b-day came aroun and again he did not give in. About 2 weeks ago she called that she was going to kill herself and crying....he went to her rescue. We talked about it and I kind of gave in to him then a few days passed where they didn't talk but then she called him saying she was having problems at work and that they were his fault....he gave into that also only for 1 day and then was back telling me oh sh eshowed up banging on my door. This situation has made me really insecure when he doesn't pick up the phone I assume immediately he is with her even if he isn't. I do drive bys just to check. Mind you he still says he can't have a relationship. Then if I confront him he tells me that he will do whatever he wants. He says he doesn't want her or love her.....she calls at all hours I think just to be a pain. My friends say he loves me but that now I have to put my foot down. he says he doesn't know how to get rid of her.....but yet he gives ion sometimes. What do I do? He treats me like a wife and her his mistress of once a year or so but thenhe says he wants no relationship...how do I handle this? Today we fought because this morning I called him and he didn't pick up the phone so you know what I assumed. Monday I told him that maybe I should walk away until he resolved his issues with her but he told me no that he knew he didn't want her. But today he said do whatever you want. PLease help. Last edited by CHANDLERS WISH; 10-01-2009 at 06:33 PM. Reason: paragraphing for readers

10-01-2009, 02:08 PM	#2
Kallygirlie Silver Contributor 100+ Posts Simon Champion! Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: PA, USA Posts: 367	for some reason He feels the need to be her rescuer. It could be the things she says to make him feel bad or maybe he really does still have feelings for her. Nonetheless I would stick to your ground and walk away. He tells you not to walk away but he also says he doesn't want a relationship. Hun you are setting yourself up for a world of heart ache with him. Are you hoping he will just one day drop her and coming running to you? It's not going to happen as long as you let him keep all the power over you. __________________ Krystal

10-01-2009, 02:16 PM	#3
LanaBear Gold Contributor 500+ Posts Moon Lander Champion! Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: A cozy little cottage on the moon. :-) Posts: 1,641 Blog Entries: 5	I agree with Kg... Stand your ground and walk. Take his options away from him. If he wants to play her prince charming, let him, but don't let him play you as second fiddle. __________________ Sometimes life isn't the party we hoped for, but since we're here, we might as well DANCE!

10-01-2009, 10:58 PM	#6
WildChild Gold Contributor 500+ Posts Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Western USA Posts: 6,223 Blog Entries: 5	He says he doesn't want a relationship. Take him at his word. Treat him as though he is an occasionally available freind - that's what he is. He is still tied to the ex and you seem to be a back up. Let go. You aren't happy with the situation, your happiness doesn't depend on him. Quit calling him, quit making demands, quit asking what is going on - just let go. One of two things will happen; he may call occasionally but will soon vanish if you aren't ready and willing or he will decide he wants you. If the second happens you are likely to see the same behavior, he'll keep it going as long as you put up with it. You know what you want? It isn't what you are getting, so go look elsewhere. __________________ We can only learn to love by loving. Iris Mudoch, British writer

10-02-2009, 06:00 AM	#7
GlitterAndStuds Gold Contributor 500+ Posts Snake Champion! Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: Massachusetts Posts: 749 Blog Entries: 1	It's obvious that part of his heart is still with this woman. Therefore, even if he did want a relationship with you, it wouldn't work anyway because he couldn't give all of it to you. I always say, never start a relationship that you can't give 100% in, and it sounds like he's thinking the same way. Yes, she sounds like a real pain, but he also lets himself get sucked in. Everyone has a crazy ex. I know I do. And my boyfriend certainly does. His ex will try to contact him all the time and leave voicemails threatening to kill herself if he doesn't call back, but he never does. He doesn't fall for it because he knows it's just a way for her to try and get him to call. She'll never do it and as far as he's concerned, whatever she does is not his responsibility. Mind you, they've been broken up for 2 years and she is now engaged to another guy. Is it annoying? Yeah. But I know where his heart is and it's not with her. This guy has no idea where his is. He's straight out told you that he doesn't want a relationship, but you do. If you stick around, that's not going to turn out well. I have to agree with everyone else and say to walk away. You don't need that kind of drama and BS in your life. __________________ I've got to be direct If I'm off please correct You're standing on my neck....

10-01-2009, 09:34 PM	#5
happy ending Gold Contributor 500+ Posts Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: western australia Posts: 655	i agree totally with CW, your relationship doesnt stand a chance, find someone emotionally available to reward with your love.

10-02-2009, 06:19 AM	#8
Miya Gold Contributor 500+ Posts Join Date: Aug 2009 Location: Born in Japan, now in Northern Virginia Posts: 589 Blog Entries: 3	I concur with everyone. It's best you just walk away and keep your mind free. He doesn't want a commitment with you and it's something you obviously want from the person you're seeing so the cornerstone of your relationship is cracked to begin with. Time will not make this much better I fear. It's time to think about yourself and whether you want someone who's not willing to give themselves completely to you and vice-versa or to find someone who WANTS to be with you and completely with you. __________________ Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment. -Lord Buddha

10-03-2009, 09:23 PM	#9
ThexMrs Gold Contributor 500+ Posts Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Oregon. Posts: 2,726 Blog Entries: 13	This is as simple as I can put it: Move on. He doesn't want a relationship with you. He always falls to his knees for her whenever she wants him. This will not end and you shouldn't put up with it. __________________ "I carry your heart with me, I carry it in my heart, I am never without it, anywhere I go, you go, my dear, And whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling."

10-06-2009, 08:13 AM	#10
OhThereYouAre Gold Contributor 500+ Posts Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Cincinnati Posts: 1,302	Not sure you want this baggage. I can tell it's driving you crazy. I think you're better off without this lot. He doesn't sound like he respects you much. Pack up, move on. Good luck. __________________ 'If you think you can or you can't, you're probably right..." "It is discouraging how many people are shocked by honesty and how few by deceit..." "People who lack the sense to question Big Lies always end up in deep trouble..." "I don't worry about pointing fingers in the past...i operate under the assumption that every saint has a past and every sinner has a future..." "Build the life you want and then find someone to share it with, someone who fits where you are and where you are going..."

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