MrDarcy

Well, my self esteem has officially hit a new low.

Went out on a date yesterday with the girl of my dreams (the same one I mentioned in my previous post titled "Not Ready Yet?"). We spent 6 hours together visiting an art gallery, drinks at a cocktail lounge and then dinner. We had an amazing kiss session before dinner so I thought things were going well.

But before I bid her goodnight she said...

"Hey, I want to be honest with you, I think we should just be friends. I'm not feeling it with you right now. I still want to go out with you but I'm just not attracted to you yet. I feel pressured. You're making plans for us already and it's freaking me out a little. I'm trying to just be friends with you but it's not working"

After I managed to pick my heart off the ground, I said to her "What made you feel pressured? What gave you the impression I was making plans? Are you seeing someone else?" Either way, I asked these questions in a manner that made me look like I didn't care. But...

I was really upset at hearing these statements from her. Somewhere during our dates (we've been on four now) I must have said something that put her off.

Since meeting her a month ago I've been extra cautious in how I've been interacting with this girl. I've only sent her about four text's total. I also called her about four times to set up dates and tried, at absolute all cost, to NOT come across as needy or clingy. Yet, for some reason, she's called me out on being needy and pressuring her into a long term relationship.

So, this begs the question of 'what did I do wrong?'

I'm not forcing this girl to like me but we do have an extraordinary amount of commonalities and a deep connection. Everytime we've been out we've had an amazing time together and been pretty physical with eachother (holding hands, hugging etc). She's major girlfriend material but if she puts me into the "let's be friends" zone then it's over. Interestingly enough, we are going out on another date later this week (she's taking me to dinner).

My biggest concern though, is trying to work out how on earth I got into this situation in the first place.

Is my situation recoverable?

AlleyWay

I think your definitely in a great position. She still wants to go out right? So that has to be good just take things a day at a time. And just be yourself don't worry about how many texts or calls you've made. I know it's not easy to say but don't try to think to hard about this girl just enjoy the time that you have together and everything should fall into place.

Little

I have been through this over and over again ... PAINSTAKINGLY trying "not to be needy/clingy," "not to move too fast," etc etc. It's the most difficult thing in the WORLD. And you're just trying to go with the flow. You're just trying to "make it work."
I will tell you right now - STOP. Cut the amount of work you're doing in half.
The ones you want to be with will make it simple for you to go with the flow. The ones who work out will be the ones who want to text you more. Who want to call more. Who want to go out more.
My boyfriend and I spend probably 75% of our waking time (and 95% of our sleeping time) together. Granted we haven't been together very long, but it is easily the most adult, laid-back, comfortable relationship I've ever been in. I don't have to miss him. I don't have to stare at the phone and tell myself not to call. I don't have to find other ways to "occupy my time." And why not?
Because I found a man whose concept of "together time" matches mine. Whose need for "together time" matches mine.
Why open yourself up for continuous disappointment? There is a point where, even in platonic relationships, you must say "you are not meeting my needs" and take your needs elsewhere. You might open your eyes to a world of possibility.

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WildChild

Oh Wow, Little said very much what I was thinking. Just finished reading Deepak Chopra's, Why is God Laughing? When things aren't working for us he poses three questions which seem to absolutely apply here:

Am I acting easily, without struggle?
Do I enjoy what I'm doing?
Are results coming of their own accord?

Little is right you are trying too hard to make something happen. You decided this woman is the girl of your dreams, that doesn't mean she really is but you are trying to make it so. When it's right, it flows.

This woman nailed it. You decided she is the woman of your dreams, you have made plans already based on that and she is feeling that and feels pressured. Be freinds. Get past the infatuation phase and see what you really have in common? If it isn't there for her, it's not going to work. She didn't say, to take a hike - preferably off the nearest cliff. She wants to get to know you better. Relax and give it time, have fun. You don't have to wine and dine, as freinds you can be comfortable and be yourselves.

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CHANDLERS WISH

I also agree, "trying to hard" doesn't win...

But also "actions speak louder than words" comes to mind.

You ask what did I say? It's more how you acted I think you will find....

For-instance, on your first date and it went well, you asked if you could meet up with her again, that night....

That would make me run, but obviously she thought it was maybe, nice as well, which is another note on it pending on what you did from there.

You say that you refrained from constant text messages or calls, which is great and probably why there was a second or third date.

I can see you looking into her eyes with that look of " ahh, your the one", we pick these things up.

I would dare say it's your actions that is making her feel un-comfortable, whilst she likes you, she is in no hurry to move fast, she wants to ensure that you and her have common ground and that she actually develops chemistry for you apart from the kissing as well as a connection.. At present, she's still on the learning bike wheels in that regard and not sure.

On this next date, laugh, make her laugh... don't make her feel un-comfortable with actions...

She's not using you because she's taking you out for dinner so that's a bonus.

She may also be the type of woman who wants to be sure and not jump into a relationship...

But, "the woman of your dreams" at 1st date, 2nd, and 3rd is scary... I do understand "love at first sight and that you just know", but I think it's more of, she's beautiful and holding hands and kissing and being together is all you've dreamed of, want and so she's it.

Head in the clouds sort of.

Whilst she's mature enough to know what she wants and is testing it all, feels some reservations and so is backing a bit off. She probably senses your thought pattern about her as well, or else she wouldn't be making those comments.

Deep breathes and understand, "what ever will be will be".... or you'll be heartbroken when you have only known someone for such a short time and it's still in the dating phase, so your way going too fast ....

CW

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OhThereYouAre

Hey bro...just remember....though you may not say it...women can pick up on things. That being said, she isn't the one.

Here's the thing -

She was very honest with you. That takes a lot of guts and I respect her for that. Please listen to her. You dont' want to turn her into one of those women who will just diasppear without a word otherwise because it's too painful to tell the truth.

Here's some advice...when you're dating....make sure that you are dating multiple women at one time. This way, you aren't so worried about things falling through with one. It's a psychological thing. You know you have others to fall back on, so one disappointment isn't going to get to you.

Good luck.

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sourpuss

I agree 100%!
I'm in a similar situation at the moment. I was very upfront and honest with this guy that I didn't want a relationship and that I like our friendship but was open to seeing where it took us over the next several months.
Then all of the sudden he was introducing me as his girlfriend, all my weekends were planned out from Friday-Sunday evening!
I felt completely smothered.
She was honest with you and I'm sure it wasn't easy. Respect her for that and give her some space. If she wants to continue to spend time with you and she has kissed you, then there is the possibility for it to turn in to more. But not unless you give her the space she's asking for.

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MrDarcy

Even I'm shocked! That does sound scary.

Thanks for putting it into context. It's hard to think logically at times - particularly about things like this. I guess that's why these forums are so useful. It allows people to view your issues objectively and without emotion.

Incidentally, I spoke to her last night and she's definitely taking me to dinner in two days time. I have no idea how this is going to work out.

I guess I could start dating other women and put this girl on 'slow burn' for a while.

I'm not into playing games though plus I don't like waiting around for months trying to work out where I stand with people.

CHANDLERS WISH

Yes, but a few dates will let you know if it's relationship material, you just have to go with the flow a bit and ascertain as time goes by for both of you... Not "expect" because it's been 3 or 4 dates, that's a good sign and that's all that matters, you will know and be able to take it from there Darcy.

You shouldn't put your eggs into one basket based on a "dream", let things happen the way nature intended, well that being "naturally"

CW

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kms

I've got to say, I've been in situations when I've hung out with or gone on a date with a guy who I got along great with, who was fun to be around, attractive - but I wasn't actually feeling any attraction to him - everything was good except for that. Attraction is something you can't control - you can't force it to happen and you can't stop it from happening either... so you can't feel bad about the fact that she isn't attracted to you; it just happens. It's beyond her control. Thankfully, as others said, she was honest with you and let you know instead of stringing you along OR just avoiding you with lame, vague excuses...

It's good that she still wants to hang out though - sounds like she's interested and wants to give it time to develop perhaps, but also just wants to be sure you're clear on what's going on so that you aren't misled.

I agree with others though - try to have other girls that you're seeing or have an interest in... it keeps things more interesting and helps prevent you from being too desperate and thereby blinded to develop a healthy relationship with the right person. It helps you to sloowww it down and not rush into things.