Thread: My boyfriend looks at videos of other girls on youtube.... :(

Originally Posted by Hopeless Dork

His choice to occasionally view porn makes me feel like he is unhappy with what he has. He tells me it's not the case... but I can't figure out why then he would have a desire for seeing other women if he was happy with the one he had.

We learn to masturbate long before we find our special someone. Our brains rewire themselves to take pleasure from whatever we're using as an aid. It can be porn, fantasies, fetishes, anything really: we'll always be partial to what we grew up with.

Meeting someone doesn't shut that part of ourselves off. It doesn't redirect or change desires we know our partners wouldn't be comfortable with. We can relearn some things, redirect some impulses, but some of what we learned to enjoy earlier in our lives will give us an itch our partner can't - or shouldn't - scratch.

What to do is the big question. Who has to suck it up and deal. Does he have to go without something that he obviously thinks he needs? Does she have to feel terrible everytime he does this not only because it hurts her in and of itself but also because its not something he's willing to sacrafice to make her happy... therein making it more important than her.

Guys are fine with you doing watching porn, because we see it differently than you do, but you're not fine with us watching porn because you see it differently than we do. You say this is something that hurts you in and of itself, but it's not. As proof, I submit the idea that if you were fine with it too, there wouldn't be an issue.

In and of itself, this shouldn't affect you, because he's doing it when you're not there. You are not around to be affected by it. Still, you are affected by it because you find the very idea of it objectionable. It's the objection you have, an objection that isn't shared, that hurts you.

There are an limitless number of objections you can raise to the limitless number of things you and your partner can see differently. The pleasure he gets from watching porn helps him. Your objection to him doing that harms both of you. If the choice is between his pleasure and your objection, an outside observer would say that it should be your objection that goes.

The question is, can you come up with a way to let go of that objection?

If you can't, things get harder. Maybe he'd agree to forego the pleasure he gets from watching porn in exchange for something else. Maybe he'd accommodate you on this for the sake of diplomacy if you got dysfunctional enough about it. Maybe he could pretend to accommodate you on this, but keep doing it - that way you have peace of mind and he gets what he wants too.

Nothing you do can change the fact that men can look at porn behind your back if they want to. The threat of harsh punishment isn't an effective deterrent because no criminal ever commits a crime thinking they'll be caught. Ultimatums can provide vengeance but they can never provide security. For these reasons, I strongly, strongly suggest that you and other women find a way to be OK with men watching porn. It's a minor thing from our perspective, a harmless flight into fantasy that often enhances our desires for our SO, and there is no way you can know we're not doing it behind your back anyway.

HD, if even finding the cleared browsing history bothers you so much, why not ask him to stay away from porn completely? He could use some pictures of you if he needs a visual aid while he is alone.