Thread: My boyfriend looks at videos of other girls on youtube.... :(

Originally Posted by WildChild

Point taken.
I know this is a big issue for HD and many women. I deal with the sexual selfishness and it is frustrating. For all the complaining men in general do about women that don't want or enjoy sex, you would think that when they have a woman in their life who enjoys sex, wants it and wants it with them, that they would love it. But there are quite a number of them who either use it as some sort power game or simply don't care. They will purposely withhold sexual contact with the woman in their life. Turning to porn and masterbating is one way. Wanting bjs but being willing to do nothing in return or reciprocally is another. This is not at all unusual.

Agreed. But similarly, and thankfully even though i'm not part of it, I could argue the converse all day. All you have to do is turn to the posts here, which incidentally, is what brought to my attention that situations like these exist...."Girlfriend masturbating when I'm in the shower and not asking for sex", "I shut down on my husband, I'm too self conscious to have sex..." etc etc.

I choose not to take it too far because, though I could arguably be in one of the better relationships discussed on the forum, I'm called bitter when I do. Kinda strange when you present the differing view and get slighted, but hey, it's a woman's forum, and like you said, many of the people who are here are because they aren't very happy people.

So since we can both lament about the ills of each gender, I think it makes more sense not to examine things in the aggregate, but rather on a case by case basis. Sometimes you don't seem to agree with this, and tend to take things back to gender stereotypes

I happen to think, that in this case, that if HD wants her man to stop doing something, she should be also be active in her pursuit of self control. That's it. Show him you're willing to work at things, too. Why ask someone else to make all the sacrifice because simply because you said so?

I know that is how my relationships work- give and take. And it's work (though pleasant work) every day to keep things going.

I've told him, plenty of times... and still feel that the porn would not hurt me as much if he still wanted sex with me, despite his viewing. That is not the pattern. The pattern is either or. The pattern is on days he spends alone and views porn, when I see him that night he DOES NOT WANT sex.

And that is hard to not to feel I am in some sort of sexual competition with those images when he makes a conscious decision to do THAT.. knowing he wont want intimacy with me after he does it.

I can masturbate 3 times in a row and guess what? I still want sexual intimacy with him. How is that a double standard? If he was able to do the same -- trust me I wouldnt care, I would not. It feels like a personal attack against my sexual adequecy when he chooses to use that stuff INSTEAD of me.

Where as I NEVER reject him sexually, when he wants, he gets... ALWAYS. When I want...I get... UNLESSS.....he's already watched porn that day... It hurts. Hypocritical or not. It makes me feel like c rap.

HD, now everything makes a whole lot more sense. I was under the impression previously that his porn viewing and masturbating were in addition to having sex with you or were at least confined to days where he couldn't be with you. I thought you were simply feeling betrayed that he looks at porn at all.

It's a different matter if it's an either or thing for him and if he won't tend to your needs on the days he masturbates to porn. I can understand why you're frustrated then, because it comes across like 'I got mine already, figure out how to get yours' Does he make any attempt on those days to please you or does he shut down completely?

You need to have a talk with him and figure out why he's not interested in sex after he masturbates and why he then does it at all if he knows he won't be available for you afterward. Who knows, maybe he does it on days where he is too stressed or tired for sex and thinks that whacking off is faster and easier. But if that's the case then maybe you could compromise and instead of him looking at porn have mutual masturbation sessions or something like that.

On day's he does it... he is physically distant. Its almost as if he doesn't want to let me get too close in case I start something and he isn't in the mood for that.

We had a long talk about it, many talks about it. And things got better... a whole lot better. He told me he didn't understand that I enjoyed things as much as I did. He didn't think it mattered to me. Once I explained to him that I do want it... OFTEN.... that I am fine when he's tired and not up to playing...and I'm happy and satisfied.. but if he has more to give and is giving it to himself instead of me it hurts.

He finally understood where I was coming from and things just improved... he cut back on the porn time and our sex life got 3x better. Seriously.

I still harbor some resentment from the days he wouldnt want me to touch him, then I'd peek and see he'd been doing porn that day.

I know I need to get past it , especially since it was just misunderstanding he tells me. A misunderstanding of what my needs were.

But it still happens occasionally... way way less frequently than it did in the past. But when it happens I just throw my hands up in the air and feel like giving up.

It almost hurts worse now than it did before because now HE KNOWS without a doubt that I really really enjoy our sex... so when he goes on ahead and does that it makes me feel like looking at the girls IS SOOOO necessary, that it comes before me.

I don't expect sexual activity every single day, I just hate that the possiblity of it happening is robbed from me , from us... on the days he does that. Its like the days he doesn't watch porn... some days we do have sex, some we don't ... but most days we do. But on the days he does WE DON'T. period. Isn't going to happen. And so when I know thats what he did... I just feel sick to my stomach. It took away our chance to be close.

It didn't take it away, he did by making the choice to use it. I hate that whether or not he chooses to that on any given day dictates how close we get to be that night. So its hard not to be mad at his viewing it. Its hard not to be jealous of the attention it gets on the days I don't.