Stick with it?

**prawnprincess** · 10-09-2009, 12:03 AM

I'm 25, I've been dating an amazing guy for a year and 8 months, and only the last 4 months have been long distance. We have at least a year and 9 months before we can be in the same place because we are both in the military.

He visited me about a month ago (I was stressing about the distance on WH). The visit went great, but on his last day I tried to broach the subject of our future. I simply said that I really wanted to be together when our two years apart are up, and I wanted to know what he was thinking. Right away he warned me not to rush him into the marriage talk. I told him I wasn't trying to, but he never talks about the future and I can't read his mind, so I just wanted to know what he was thinking about for when our two years were up. He said he didn't believe in marriage but I was the only girl who had ever made him even consider it. Then he said, well, that's the plan (about being together in 2 years) and that was it. I cried and didn't really know what to make of it.

I am a very loving, supportive, and giving person (maybe too much), always sending him care packages and making him cards. After his visit he called me more than ever and was very loving (maybe because he made me cry?), and he still calls every day and always says he loves me often.

Sometimes I wonder if he just keeps me around because I'm a good girlfriend, a sign of success. I am feeling kind of worn out and unappreciated. I feel like a lot of our relationship now is me trying to be a good girlfriend to him, but I am almost more like a fan club president, and I don't know if I can change the way I do things. His ambivalence about our future makes me feel like chopped liver, but I know it could just be a guy thing. I miss taking care of someone and being taken care of in person- I am worn out from working so hard at everything I do and still feeling like I'm not getting anywhere.

blowfish · 10-09-2009, 12:29 AM

well princess all i know about men its never push them too much, just calm down for a few weeks then ask him why he dont believe in marriage? maybe he got some issue in the past...u never know
then tell him that u love him very much but u can wait forever, so he wont take u for granted

good luck

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 10-09-2009, 02:30 AM

Quote:

He said he didn't believe in marriage but I was the only girl who had ever made him even consider it. Then he said, well, that's the plan (about being together in 2 years) and that was it. I cried and didn't really know what to make of it.

Men have problems expressing sometimes firstly.

Secondly, 1.9 months isn't where you talk marriage if you think about it... It's 3 years, 4 years, you are then sure and know that's what you want...

I know people aren't going to agree with me saying it could be 2 weeks... It was actually for me, but I am divorcing so that's the point I am making and I'm not using my experience as to the reason why I am stating this.

Basically I am saying that we only know what the future holds, when we see a part of that future by living through it.

If he stated you are the only one who has made him even re-consider the idea, and that he plans to be with you in 2 years then you have to suck it in and not be needy and feel fear and cry and say okay... Off we go, because you know in your heart this is who you want to be with.

Your fear may be stemming from the long distance your now enduring and that's natural.. But stand by him stay in love and keep that magic working because one thing for sure. He does love you from what he stated to you....

CW

**kms** · 10-10-2009, 09:30 PM

I'd have to say that there probably isn't an inflexible, fixed time in which it is appropriate to talk about marriage or not. I think it depends on person to person; one person might be in a place in life both internally and externally where they are ready for marriage - yet someone else might not be there yet.

Another very important thing to keep in mind is that you shouldn't really talk about marriage until the infatuation period has died down (6 months to 2ish years). Once that is under control, you are in a better position to actually see who they really are, faults and all. Infatuation tends to blind that. So yes CW, 2 weeks might well have been based more on infatuation and not knowing each other well enough to make an educated decision! So, I'd have to disagree and say that I think being together for over a year could very well be enough time to start discussing marriage, but he might not be at that place yet (mentally, situationally, etc.). He may feel too young still, or who knows, he may be worried about the fact that he's in the military and might not make it back home...? And wouldn't want to get your hopes up....? Who knows really.

I know back when I had gotten engaged when I was 24, my entire family started rushing to plan the wedding... but I just wasn't interested. It felt weird to me. "What are your colors? When is the date? Location? Indoors or outdoors?" It freaked me out. Some of that was because of issues with the guy, but some of it was because I didn't feel ready. I still felt like I wasn't an adult yet. Marriage was for grown-ups. I didn't feel mentally ready for it yet.... perhaps that could be the case with him. He doesn't feel ready yet but loves you and doesn't want to lose you. Especially since he seems to be treating you really well and seems to care about you, just give him time and wait. He's overseas anyway so it's not like he can marry you right now, or even pick out a ring or plan the proposal or anything like that... so just wait.

WhiteSparrows · 10-19-2009, 08:58 PM

The two years haven't passed yet...you guys have been together for a long time, but it may not be long enough for him to consider marriage or a future quite yet. Marriage is a very serious commitment, and you never know. A year or two more down the road and he may want to marry you. I'm sure he loves you and it sounds like it...so try not to worry about it too much.

**TWills32** · 10-21-2009, 12:04 PM

If he said that you've actually made him think about marriage, that's a good thing. Just give him time. He said he wants to be with you, so I wouldn't worry about it too much. When my husband was my boyfriend, he told me the same thing, that he didn't believe in marriage. Notice how I said he's my husband now :P

Sometimes people change their mind, but even if your boyfriend doesn't, at least he wants to be with you. I would say wait until you are together again, then talk about it face-to-face. Marriage is a scary subject for most men, so just be patient and understanding

**prawnprincess** · 10-31-2009, 09:44 AM

Thanks so much for your responses.

It's funny because things have changed a little- now I'm the one who is busy with so many things- exciting changes at work along with moving out of the barracks into the real world, making friends, being recognized for my work, and I'm working on my master's. My boyfriend has a lot of down time now, and he calls often and is very sweet. He is an amazing guy, but how do I know that he's the one? How can I tell when I only see him once every two months (for the next year and 7 months)? There are so many possibilities- supposedly not a "right" and "wrong" choice, but one with which you choose to live, but it all makes my head swim. Is there always a period of uncertainty?

We are opposites in a lot of ways: he's tall, I'm short, he is the life of the party, I like to be behind the scenes, he likes hotels, I like camping, he's spontaneous, and I'm the planner. It works out pretty well because it keeps things interesting, and yet he is very sensitive, and that goes well with my non-confrontational style.

But sometimes I wonder when I meet a guy who likes what I like- fiction, camping, etc. (back to the "is the grass greener?" thread)....

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 10-31-2009, 04:08 PM

Live for today.

You can't keep questioning your mind, you'll go nuts lol.

Opposites are good, but planners verses spontaneous, hotels verses camping, if there is no compromise on both of your sides, it's not going to work....

Tomorrow who knows what will happen, so as I said, live for today.

Time tells everything.

CW

10-09-2009, 12:03 AM	#1
prawnprincess VIP Member Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: USA Posts: 43	Stick with it? I'm 25, I've been dating an amazing guy for a year and 8 months, and only the last 4 months have been long distance. We have at least a year and 9 months before we can be in the same place because we are both in the military. He visited me about a month ago (I was stressing about the distance on WH). The visit went great, but on his last day I tried to broach the subject of our future. I simply said that I really wanted to be together when our two years apart are up, and I wanted to know what he was thinking. Right away he warned me not to rush him into the marriage talk. I told him I wasn't trying to, but he never talks about the future and I can't read his mind, so I just wanted to know what he was thinking about for when our two years were up. He said he didn't believe in marriage but I was the only girl who had ever made him even consider it. Then he said, well, that's the plan (about being together in 2 years) and that was it. I cried and didn't really know what to make of it. I am a very loving, supportive, and giving person (maybe too much), always sending him care packages and making him cards. After his visit he called me more than ever and was very loving (maybe because he made me cry?), and he still calls every day and always says he loves me often. Sometimes I wonder if he just keeps me around because I'm a good girlfriend, a sign of success. I am feeling kind of worn out and unappreciated. I feel like a lot of our relationship now is me trying to be a good girlfriend to him, but I am almost more like a fan club president, and I don't know if I can change the way I do things. His ambivalence about our future makes me feel like chopped liver, but I know it could just be a guy thing. I miss taking care of someone and being taken care of in person- I am worn out from working so hard at everything I do and still feeling like I'm not getting anywhere.

10-21-2009, 12:04 PM	#6
TWills32 Silver Contributor 100+ Posts Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: Michigan Posts: 153	If he said that you've actually made him think about marriage, that's a good thing. Just give him time. He said he wants to be with you, so I wouldn't worry about it too much. When my husband was my boyfriend, he told me the same thing, that he didn't believe in marriage. Notice how I said he's my husband now :P Sometimes people change their mind, but even if your boyfriend doesn't, at least he wants to be with you. I would say wait until you are together again, then talk about it face-to-face. Marriage is a scary subject for most men, so just be patient and understanding __________________

10-31-2009, 04:08 PM	#8
CHANDLERS WISH WH Moderator Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Australia Posts: 9,927 Blog Entries: 7	Live for today. You can't keep questioning your mind, you'll go nuts lol. Opposites are good, but planners verses spontaneous, hotels verses camping, if there is no compromise on both of your sides, it's not going to work.... Tomorrow who knows what will happen, so as I said, live for today. Time tells everything. CW __________________ Do we not realise that in order to find a soul It doesn't happen over night if truth were to be told Like everything in life that's hard to achieve you must believe! Register! \| Rules/FAQ \| Contact Mod

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10-09-2009, 12:29 AM	#2
blowfish Junior Member Join Date: Jul 2009 Posts: 13	well princess all i know about men its never push them too much, just calm down for a few weeks then ask him why he dont believe in marriage? maybe he got some issue in the past...u never know then tell him that u love him very much but u can wait forever, so he wont take u for granted good luck

10-10-2009, 09:30 PM	#4
kms Silver Contributor 100+ Posts Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: Indiana Posts: 256	I'd have to say that there probably isn't an inflexible, fixed time in which it is appropriate to talk about marriage or not. I think it depends on person to person; one person might be in a place in life both internally and externally where they are ready for marriage - yet someone else might not be there yet. Another very important thing to keep in mind is that you shouldn't really talk about marriage until the infatuation period has died down (6 months to 2ish years). Once that is under control, you are in a better position to actually see who they really are, faults and all. Infatuation tends to blind that. So yes CW, 2 weeks might well have been based more on infatuation and not knowing each other well enough to make an educated decision! So, I'd have to disagree and say that I think being together for over a year could very well be enough time to start discussing marriage, but he might not be at that place yet (mentally, situationally, etc.). He may feel too young still, or who knows, he may be worried about the fact that he's in the military and might not make it back home...? And wouldn't want to get your hopes up....? Who knows really. I know back when I had gotten engaged when I was 24, my entire family started rushing to plan the wedding... but I just wasn't interested. It felt weird to me. "What are your colors? When is the date? Location? Indoors or outdoors?" It freaked me out. Some of that was because of issues with the guy, but some of it was because I didn't feel ready. I still felt like I wasn't an adult yet. Marriage was for grown-ups. I didn't feel mentally ready for it yet.... perhaps that could be the case with him. He doesn't feel ready yet but loves you and doesn't want to lose you. Especially since he seems to be treating you really well and seems to care about you, just give him time and wait. He's overseas anyway so it's not like he can marry you right now, or even pick out a ring or plan the proposal or anything like that... so just wait.

10-19-2009, 08:58 PM	#5
WhiteSparrows Junior Member Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Canada Posts: 11	The two years haven't passed yet...you guys have been together for a long time, but it may not be long enough for him to consider marriage or a future quite yet. Marriage is a very serious commitment, and you never know. A year or two more down the road and he may want to marry you. I'm sure he loves you and it sounds like it...so try not to worry about it too much.

10-31-2009, 09:44 AM	#7
prawnprincess VIP Member Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: USA Posts: 43	Thanks so much for your responses. It's funny because things have changed a little- now I'm the one who is busy with so many things- exciting changes at work along with moving out of the barracks into the real world, making friends, being recognized for my work, and I'm working on my master's. My boyfriend has a lot of down time now, and he calls often and is very sweet. He is an amazing guy, but how do I know that he's the one? How can I tell when I only see him once every two months (for the next year and 7 months)? There are so many possibilities- supposedly not a "right" and "wrong" choice, but one with which you choose to live, but it all makes my head swim. Is there always a period of uncertainty? We are opposites in a lot of ways: he's tall, I'm short, he is the life of the party, I like to be behind the scenes, he likes hotels, I like camping, he's spontaneous, and I'm the planner. It works out pretty well because it keeps things interesting, and yet he is very sensitive, and that goes well with my non-confrontational style. But sometimes I wonder when I meet a guy who likes what I like- fiction, camping, etc. (back to the "is the grass greener?" thread)....