commitment problems

**violets** · 10-21-2009 07:48 AM

Well heres my problem. I can never settle down. I have met loads of really nice guys and I do be crazy about them for the first few months and then just like a lightning flash I actually go completly off them and everything about them annoys me.. Its through no fault of their own and its been a pattern for the last 3 years since me and my boyfriend of 3 years broke up! I still get on well with my ex of three years but I dont hold any romantic feelings for him so I know its not him that I am hung up over.

It is always the same thing. The minute they show too much affection Im gone. Its like I get them where I want them and then I just dont want them! However I still do remain friends with most of them after!

I would be most grateful if I could get someone elses point of view as to what they think is going on with me... PLEASE!!

**GlitterAndStuds** · 10-21-2009 08:50 AM

How did your ex treat you when you were together? Did you guys end on good or bad terms? If it wasn't a great relationship or it ended not so swimmingly, then that can definitely have an effect on how you handle your future relationships, in that you keep yourself from getting too close to anyone.

It's also possible that maybe you just want to play the field for a bit since you were with him for a long time. I know I've gone through stages where I'll really like someone, but once the challenge is gone, it's just not fun anymore. And that makes me realize that I was just in it for the chase and once I got it, it was just boring. It's good that you're at least making friends out of it instead of hurting anyone too badly.

The way I see it, you're young (I'm assuming) and having fun while you're single and keeping your options open. There's nothing wrong with that as long as no one's getting hurt in the process. When you meet the right person, I think you'll know that you want to keep them around

.

**Texinator** · 10-21-2009 09:50 AM

Originally Posted by violets

Its like I get them where I want them and then I just dont want them!

Could it be that once you get your way you lose interest because the challenge is gone?

**OhThereYouAre** · 10-21-2009 11:06 AM

Meh - human nature.

Somtimes we want what we can't have and take for granted what we do.

I used to be like that until I learned to align my aspirations with my current environment.

Don't worry about it, it's not weird, it's not mean. Whether they like it or not, these guys are better off being cut loose than being led on.

Keep dating. I bet one day you are going to find someone that is able to hold your attention 24/7/365. There's at least one of them out there for everyone, i'm inclined to think.

Lastly - it might be prudent to start approaching men who are rather independent, with lots of friends and hobbies. This may make it a bit tougher to lose interest so quickly.

Good luck to you!

**kms** · 10-23-2009 08:09 PM

Well I used to be like that. To the point where I honestly worried that I would never get married because I wouldn't be able to stay attracted for more than a couple weeks!

Then I realized that the reason was because I was interested in guys for purely the physical/chemical/superficial reasons. Nothing more. When the attraction faded, there was nothing left to like, because that wasn't a factor in why I decided to be interested in them.

Now I've realized how IMPORTANT it is to spend a lot of time thinking about what I really want in a relationship, what I want in life, what's ultimately important to me, what I can sacrifice and what I can't, how I'd like to be treated, what I'm looking for specifically in a guy, etc. When a guy meets those qualifications, I can't help but be overwhelmingly attracted to him. I know that over time attraction fades, looks fade, but compatibility and a close bond will always keep you together. That is how love grows out of the whole confusing mess of emotions when you first meet someone.

**kms** · 10-23-2009 08:13 PM

By the way, a guy once told me that in order for a guy to be with me, he must:

equally
entertain me
keep me in line
not be afraid of me
be good in bed

:P perhaps that applies to us all.... but I was stunned when he told me because it was SO TRUE!!!

**caterpillar79** · 10-24-2009 01:31 AM

Lucky you, KMS! I guess that applies to me to some extent. What I found out in the past two months of freedom was that I knew what I wanted, I just didn't find it in any of them. I did NOT lead anyone of them on, but they all kept going, wanting to be "the one" to win me over. I guess it is not my fault. I also found myself not wanting to tell the other person to bug off because I was afraid to be the one "hurting" him, until I braved the challenge and finally cracked the silence. I was glad I did. Now, I have settled my heart - I found where to let it rest.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 10-24-2009 02:47 AM

I think your missing something.

You don't "love" your ex anymore but you were with him for (3 years), that's a serious relationship and definately not what you keep going through at present right?

It's not that you love your ex still, it's that you won't let anyone else get close to you again, for the fear of going through another 3 years and getting hurt, so your blocking them all out.

CW

**sperosi** · 10-25-2009 03:53 PM

maybe you don't have romantic feelings for him anymore, but you are obviously still hung up on him, or with what happened with him. you have put up a wall and keeping people from getting too close so you don't get hurt again. it is scary putting yourself out there, and i understand exactly what you are feeling, because i do the exact same thing. i used to come close to letting people in, and then got scared and pushed them away. you need to admit to yourself that's what you are doing before you can try to fix it.

**caterpillar79** · 10-25-2009 05:58 PM

Sometimes, we get hung up with our exs, thinking about what if's, should've beens, hope so's - and these things prevent us from enjoying our present. We fail to appreciate the beauty of life and the love and affection that is genuinely offered us by a new person.

Yet, on the other hand, no matter how much you deny the fact, your subconsious tells you that you still have deep connections, emotions and love for your ex - hence, you fail to open up to the other.

Explore your emotions more. I fully understand you.

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