I'm a little psychotic. Yay!

**Mes_T** · 10-26-2009, 07:55 PM

So, my current boyfriend (lovely, wonderful, amazing guy) has a LOT of female friends, some of whom he is very close with. Objectively, I know that I have absolutely NO reason not to trust him (say when he's hanging out with them without me or something). Nada. Nothing. Zip!

But, because of past relationships (one in particular), I've learned to be on the jealous and suspicious side. I'm actively trying to turn myself around somehow, before I screw anything up!

Last weekend, I got annoyed at him for staying with a female friend of his instead of coming to pick me up (trust me, he was completely correct in his actions, given the circumstances of that night). Some negative feelings that I often harbored in previous relationships boiled to the surface, and it was not pleasant.

And of course later, both he and his friend set me straight and I felt like a complete psychotic idiot. :P

So, I guess I'm just wondering if any of you ladies out there have tried to unlearn certain habits like these, and maybe what are some good ways to reprogram yourself to be easy-going and trusting??

**x.st.angel.x** · 10-26-2009, 08:52 PM

My best friend is currently going through a similar situation. What i say to her is if he has done nothing to betray your trust you shouldnt be worried. Friends are just friends in my opinion, 99% of my friends are male and my boyfriend is still trying to come to terms with that because of his past.

My best advice for you is to just go with the flow really, if he ever betrays your trust then by all means do what you need to but if he hasnt then jealousy isnt really necessary. I know thats easier said than done lol maybe suggest for him to go hang with his friends sometime, that'll show him and yourself that you're trying your best to fit the situation.

good luck x

**Kallygirlie** · 10-26-2009, 10:13 PM

been there done that and still have my moments. I used to be really jealous and yes it has ruined many relationships. with my current bf, we have complete trust. I know he'll never do anything to hurt me but I still have my moments but nothing that him and I can't simply handle by talking. Changing the way you act because of things that have happened is hard. Talk to your man and let him know your insecurity. The only thing that is gonna help you is to have your mans support and help.

**Mes_T** · 10-26-2009, 10:17 PM

Yeah, I suppose I could just talk to him next time I have a "moment" and just explain exactly why I am the way I am. I hope it doesn't annoy him too much - he's so... clear-headed and normal, like... sometimes I'm not even sure how to deal, haha!

**dr.mansview** · 10-26-2009, 10:27 PM

you need to trust him..yes there are men who have female friends and they are just that,friends..i have been burned by women who had male friends who later became their lovers, but you cannot group all men and all women together as cheaters..you need to be aware of things that don't seem right in those relationships, but don't go loooking for things that aren't there..you will drive yourself crazy and drive your man away..

**Mes_T** · 10-26-2009, 11:22 PM

The point though is that I AM aware of the things you mention. But even though I know there isn't a problem, I still react certain ways because of previous experiences. Like, certain reactions are ingrained in me and I'm trying to reprogram myself...

**dr.mansview** · 10-26-2009, 11:27 PM

by aware of things, i mean aware that he may be spending time with a certain female friend more often then time spent with you

**GlitterAndStuds** · 10-27-2009, 07:59 AM

I think everyone feels that pang of jealousy about friends of the opposite sex, even if they do trust their significant others. I've only ever felt uneasy about one of my boyfriend's friends, but it was her that I didn't trust, not him. She was sketchy and isn't around anymore anyway, simply because I told him how uncomfortable she made me. In no way did I ask him to cut ties with her (something you should never have to do unless it's at a breaking point), but the fact that he did shows that I had nothing to worry about and how much he values our relationship.

Anyway, not too relevant but we all get it. If he's given you no reason to not trust him, then there shouldn't be any worries. At least you are aware of the circumstances, whatever they are, that made it so he had to stay with her. It would be a little odd if you didn't but if he's letting you in the loop, it shows that you're okay. He sounds like a good guy. No need to take out past jerks' mistakes on him unless it's deserved. It's easier said than done, but the only way I was able to get over the same thing is to ignore it and continue to tell yourself that it's okay.

**kygirl** · 10-27-2009, 11:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mes_T

So, my current boyfriend (lovely, wonderful, amazing guy) has a LOT of female friends, some of whom he is very close with. Objectively, I know that I have absolutely NO reason not to trust him (say when he's hanging out with them without me or something). Nada. Nothing. Zip!

But, because of past relationships (one in particular), I've learned to be on the jealous and suspicious side. I'm actively trying to turn myself around somehow, before I screw anything up!

Last weekend, I got annoyed at him for staying with a female friend of his instead of coming to pick me up (trust me, he was completely correct in his actions, given the circumstances of that night). Some negative feelings that I often harbored in previous relationships boiled to the surface, and it was not pleasant.

And of course later, both he and his friend set me straight and I felt like a complete psychotic idiot. :P

So, I guess I'm just wondering if any of you ladies out there have tried to unlearn certain habits like these, and maybe what are some good ways to reprogram yourself to be easy-going and trusting??

All I can do, and it doesn't always work, but I try my best to think calmly before I say things. I also have lots of male friends, so I try to remember that if I start to get too on edge.

Like I said, it doesn't always work but usually if I vent to someone *besides* the guy, it helps me realize I'm being silly.

**blondie80** · 10-28-2009, 07:41 PM

I have found sometimes taking a little time out to think things over before you speak, let yourself know that you have fears and worries tell yourself im having troubles with the thought of being this because... It helps break it up a little remember that these things are natural because you have been hurt before but it doesn't mean everyone is going to do it and the more you worry the more you push someone to the edge, those feelings are there you cant help that, they aren't logical and they aren't meant to be, they are just feelings and thoughts, if you can sit down and think like that before you say something that may help. I have found this helpful to me, and has taken a bit of pressure off. I had been very hurt in a relationship before but the partner I have now I trust to no end sure I have my moments but I sit and think im having trouble with the thought of.... Not I think... I dunno it just helps me!

10-26-2009, 07:55 PM	#1
Mes_T Silver Contributor 100+ Posts Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 202	I'm a little psychotic. Yay! So, my current boyfriend (lovely, wonderful, amazing guy) has a LOT of female friends, some of whom he is very close with. Objectively, I know that I have absolutely NO reason not to trust him (say when he's hanging out with them without me or something). Nada. Nothing. Zip! But, because of past relationships (one in particular), I've learned to be on the jealous and suspicious side. I'm actively trying to turn myself around somehow, before I screw anything up! Last weekend, I got annoyed at him for staying with a female friend of his instead of coming to pick me up (trust me, he was completely correct in his actions, given the circumstances of that night). Some negative feelings that I often harbored in previous relationships boiled to the surface, and it was not pleasant. And of course later, both he and his friend set me straight and I felt like a complete psychotic idiot. :P So, I guess I'm just wondering if any of you ladies out there have tried to unlearn certain habits like these, and maybe what are some good ways to reprogram yourself to be easy-going and trusting??

10-26-2009, 08:52 PM	#2
x.st.angel.x Silver Contributor 100+ Posts Asteroids Champion! Tetris Champion! Breakout Champion! Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Australia Posts: 353	My best friend is currently going through a similar situation. What i say to her is if he has done nothing to betray your trust you shouldnt be worried. Friends are just friends in my opinion, 99% of my friends are male and my boyfriend is still trying to come to terms with that because of his past. My best advice for you is to just go with the flow really, if he ever betrays your trust then by all means do what you need to but if he hasnt then jealousy isnt really necessary. I know thats easier said than done lol maybe suggest for him to go hang with his friends sometime, that'll show him and yourself that you're trying your best to fit the situation. good luck x __________________ Lifes not about how many breaths you take its about how many moments take your breath away!

10-26-2009, 10:13 PM	#3
Kallygirlie Silver Contributor 100+ Posts Simon Champion! Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: PA, USA Posts: 367	been there done that and still have my moments. I used to be really jealous and yes it has ruined many relationships. with my current bf, we have complete trust. I know he'll never do anything to hurt me but I still have my moments but nothing that him and I can't simply handle by talking. Changing the way you act because of things that have happened is hard. Talk to your man and let him know your insecurity. The only thing that is gonna help you is to have your mans support and help. __________________ Krystal

10-26-2009, 10:27 PM	#5
dr.mansview Veteran Member (800+ posts & member 1 year+) Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: canada Posts: 1,061	you need to trust him..yes there are men who have female friends and they are just that,friends..i have been burned by women who had male friends who later became their lovers, but you cannot group all men and all women together as cheaters..you need to be aware of things that don't seem right in those relationships, but don't go loooking for things that aren't there..you will drive yourself crazy and drive your man away.. __________________ a smart man learns from his mistakes..a wise man learns from the mistakes of others..

10-26-2009, 11:27 PM	#7
dr.mansview Veteran Member (800+ posts & member 1 year+) Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: canada Posts: 1,061	by aware of things, i mean aware that he may be spending time with a certain female friend more often then time spent with you __________________ a smart man learns from his mistakes..a wise man learns from the mistakes of others..

10-26-2009, 10:17 PM	#4
Mes_T Silver Contributor 100+ Posts Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 202	Yeah, I suppose I could just talk to him next time I have a "moment" and just explain exactly why I am the way I am. I hope it doesn't annoy him too much - he's so... clear-headed and normal, like... sometimes I'm not even sure how to deal, haha!

10-26-2009, 11:22 PM	#6
Mes_T Silver Contributor 100+ Posts Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 202	The point though is that I AM aware of the things you mention. But even though I know there isn't a problem, I still react certain ways because of previous experiences. Like, certain reactions are ingrained in me and I'm trying to reprogram myself...

10-27-2009, 07:59 AM	#8
GlitterAndStuds Gold Contributor 500+ Posts Snake Champion! Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: Massachusetts Posts: 749 Blog Entries: 1	I think everyone feels that pang of jealousy about friends of the opposite sex, even if they do trust their significant others. I've only ever felt uneasy about one of my boyfriend's friends, but it was her that I didn't trust, not him. She was sketchy and isn't around anymore anyway, simply because I told him how uncomfortable she made me. In no way did I ask him to cut ties with her (something you should never have to do unless it's at a breaking point), but the fact that he did shows that I had nothing to worry about and how much he values our relationship. Anyway, not too relevant but we all get it. If he's given you no reason to not trust him, then there shouldn't be any worries. At least you are aware of the circumstances, whatever they are, that made it so he had to stay with her. It would be a little odd if you didn't but if he's letting you in the loop, it shows that you're okay. He sounds like a good guy. No need to take out past jerks' mistakes on him unless it's deserved. It's easier said than done, but the only way I was able to get over the same thing is to ignore it and continue to tell yourself that it's okay. __________________ I've got to be direct If I'm off please correct You're standing on my neck....

10-28-2009, 07:41 PM	#10
blondie80 Silver Contributor 100+ Posts Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Australia Posts: 119	I have found sometimes taking a little time out to think things over before you speak, let yourself know that you have fears and worries tell yourself im having troubles with the thought of being this because... It helps break it up a little remember that these things are natural because you have been hurt before but it doesn't mean everyone is going to do it and the more you worry the more you push someone to the edge, those feelings are there you cant help that, they aren't logical and they aren't meant to be, they are just feelings and thoughts, if you can sit down and think like that before you say something that may help. I have found this helpful to me, and has taken a bit of pressure off. I had been very hurt in a relationship before but the partner I have now I trust to no end sure I have my moments but I sit and think im having trouble with the thought of.... Not I think... I dunno it just helps me!

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