Alexandra

Okay, I met my current boyfriend a little over a year ago through a mutual friend. I honestly thought I was tired of dating, because I couldn't seem to find the marriage-oriented, settling down types that wanted kids. But sure enough, Jon was all that and a gentleman to boot, and had patience that I've never exactly been known for. We have a ton of fun, he gets along great with my family, and he's so loving and supportive of me. Well, it's gotten pretty serious now, but there seems to be something that concerns me...just a bit.

He tends to exaggerate a lot of what I say and take it the wrong way, and then say, "you need to think about how you word things". Now, of course I'm offended. But I have tried to reword what I say so it doesn't come out the wrong way, but I've been noticing that I don't think it's the way I put things at all!

For example, we're trying to orchestrate a move from San Diego, California to North Carolina (wowza!). We just can't afford San Diego, and it's time to leave. I'll be closer to my extended family and so will he.

Well, I've been online a lot lately looking up apartments and costs to move things. I've been talking about it, and he said he was going to try to help with looking up information earlier this afternoon. After finding out the cost just to move our belongings across the country and just not getting any good news in general, I found out that the entire night he'd really just been listening to music and playing on a gaming site that he has before claimed that he doesn't even like. So this was what I said:

"Alex: I mean, you said you didn't even like [website mentioned above], but you say you're always thinking about your parents moving and us moving and stuff, yet I'm the only one looking things up and trying to get everything situated when you're on the site you claim you don't like.
Alex: I dunno. It's just...stressful. I'm not trying to dictate your life, I just feel like what you're telling me doesn't add up."

It is true: I've been looking up EVERYTHING. He kept saying, "sorry, I'll get off [the site]", and I kept getting frustrated, so I told him I wanted to get off before I said some things I'd regret saying later, because I was stressed and I probably needed some sleep. And he said, "are you going to say that you do all the work while I'm just screwing around, by chance?" I didn't mean for what I said to come out like that at all, and I was so offended by it that I said, "I love you, I really do, but I'm logging off." And then said goodnight because, again, I didn't want to say anything that would make him feel like I was saying that.

Is it me? I mean, did I put it the wrong way? Was there a better way to put it? I feel like this happens all the time, what do I do? Am I just missing a better way to put this? Because a big part of me doesn't think I said anything like that at all...but perhaps I'm not looking at it right?

Sorry for the long post. Thanks in advance for any replies!

acerousme

Hi there. Okay.
In my oppinon, its him. He's just a little over sensitive...but whatever you do...DO NOT TELL HIM THAT.

try in a very loving voice asking him to help you...surf the web together...MAKE him get involved.

xx

Ace

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CHANDLERS WISH

You definately have different personalities.

Honestly, if he doesn't think what you are telling him "adds up", then stop looking and let him do it.... Then there is no arguement.

I would say that he has an attitude problem with being "spoken down to" and so anything you say, he will take the "word" or "assumption" and mentaly see it that way, he may have had a controlling parent..

And, it is an assumption because he is asking if your are going to say something you haven't even said yet.

You may have in the past, but your answer to him about being tired and logging off and not wanting to say anything is fine...

I can't see him changing this attitude anytime soon unless all you ever do is say "yes dear".... so he always wins.

He will always be right and you will always be wrong, consider this relationships progress carefully if you can't sit him down and discuss what bothers you and get a compromise then it's going to always be this way.

CW

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kms

I was in a relationship with a guy who would construe advice or even casual suggestions as 'telling him what to do' and would become obstinate and refuse to do it, even if it was the obvious right thing to do. He was certainly being over sensitive and blew things out of proportion constantly. It sounds like this is similar to what is happening with you... he's putting words in your mouth and twisting what you've said to the worst possible connotation in order to justify his own actions (him not doing something you want him to do). In his case, it sounds like what CW said, it's a way to get his own way without any 'legitimate' protest from you.

Haven

Do your mutual friends hear those conversations? They could provide some perspective and help you guys get on the same wavelength.

It sounds to me like you're wondering why there isn't more congruency between his words and his actions if he really means what he says. He probably just saw the "I'm taking action and you're screwing around" part and thought that had to be your point, even though it wasn't.

His tendency to exaggerate the things you say and his response to your messages are indications that he might be a literal thinker. Literal thinkers have trouble interpreting subtext and context: (link removed) might help explain things.

The best way I've found to communicate with literal people is to talk in bullet points. Asking him to read between the lines won't work, because if he was capable of doing that, he'd would've done it already. Learning to "say what you mean" around him will probably save you guys a lot of hassle in the future.

Good luck!