Thread: Age difference has become an issue for me after 5 years :(

Hehe I do! I grew up around boys so cheekiness has been instilled in me

Virgo! The worrier... lol

Yours says:

Sometimes, things work out wonderfully. Arrangements fall naturally into place. Convenient coincidences crop up. We feel as if we are 'in the flow' and can hardly put a foot wrong. But then there are times when the opposite occurs. Nothing fits. Everything fails. A pit of dejection and defeatism opens up before us and we can hardly resist falling in. Yet both 'conditions' are two sides of one coin. Almost all wrongs can be put right with enough patience, faith and humility. This weekend, you can turn a situation right round

Any accuracy?

Hi there.

I know I'm late on responding but I just joined and HAVE to comment on this. A year ago, I was you. Well...kinda. I was 26, my man was 44, we had been together for 3 years. I had all the exact same fears/thoughts as you: my guy was my best friend and the person I had THE absolute most fun with, he took great care of me and treated me incredibly well, I liked his age for the fact that I'm not a big party animal and prefer a more settled life and he was that way too due to his age. I worried about him getting old and being of poor health long before me, I didn't like the idea of going through all the experiences of my 30's with someone who just looked at them as old hat, I wanted to experience that newness with someone else, etc.

We broke up a year ago because he had been cheating, BUT....

....that has led me to this past year which has been one of the most empowering and biggest learning experiences of my life thus far. I have grown a stronger support group of friends so I don't get in a situation where I've been with someone for 3 years and am a bit hesitant to leave because he is my everything. I am PROUD of the life I have developed for myself without him. He was such a core part of my identity for 3 years that I would put up with things and do things to avoid fights in order to keep him happy and around. The way he would fight is the same way your man fights: he would stop talking to me for 3 days, or if we got in a fight it was never a small fight they were always epic. It reminded me of my dad when he was drinking when i was growing up and it would FREAK ME OUT and I'd do anything to avoid those feelings again, including keeping my mouth shut about things that bothered me.

Now that I've been out of the relationship I feel like I've had my eyes open and am more clear about how I feel about such an age difference, should I encounter it again. I had my doubts when I was in the relationship because I didn't have much to compare it to. (it was my first serious relationship where there was actual talk of marriage) I thought, yikes, am I going to want to be 32 and planning his 50th birthday? Now I have been dating various men, the majority closer to my age, and I would have no qualms about starting a relationship with a much older guy again. I think I might prefer it. But I needed to go through this relationship and this break up in order to learn these things about myself.

LONG post but I hope it helps. Just know that there IS life on the other side and although there are things that will rip your heart in two, and some days you will wake up thinking, what have I done, if you decide to leave, you WILL survive. Will you find another guy as perfect as him? Maybe not. Will you find someone different and perfect in their own ways? Absolutely. It sounds to me like you are ready to leave and there are more things at play than just his age, but only you can make that decision. And you will when you are ready. It took a LONG time for me to get to that point in the relationship, where I knew it would be ok if things ended, but eventually I got there. So when he told me he'd been cheating there was no question in my mind that I was done. No forgiving, no working things out, it's time to move on. Some days I still wake up thinking , should I have forgiven him?, because being single is lonely and dating is hard. But ultimately I know those are just passing moments and that ultimately, the break up needed to happen and I was able to learn a lot about myself through the experience so that in my next relationship, should it be one with such an age difference, I'll have a more clear idea of what I want and need in a relationship and what isn't so important. (age being one of those things that's not as important as I thought)

Hope that helps!

Wow, Sadie. Thanks so much for sharing that all with me. Our situations sound very similar - minus the cheating of course. Sorry to hear that happened to you.

Over the years I just feel I have changed and... not grown away from him, but I just don't feel the connection I used to feel anymore. I feel like we're friends and nothing more.

We never have sex and I don't mind one bit (which I should) - but I still love hanging out with him and cuddling.

I can't explain it but when my 27th birthday and his 44th birthday rolled around, something just changed in me, and I think this (as in a relationship with a man his age) is not what I want anymore. It's like this stage of my life is over. In fact I don't think I want to be with anyone anymore. I have been in relationships for so long.

Yes, all posters who gave me advice will be very disappointed to see that weeks later I am still struggling with this. How on earth do I sit him down and make him understand without seeming all "it' not you, it's me"?? It's not that I don't love him but sometimes there's more to it than that, you know...? I feel like whatever I say, he will deserve a better explanation, but I can't give it to him.