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Thread: A man who cannot commit to love...

  1. #1
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    Default A man who cannot commit to love...


    So I guess it's over. But we've been down this road a couple of times. I tell him I don't want a commitment of marriage, or even engagement. I just want his love.

    How do you date someone for a year and a half who doesn't ever say that they love you? Easy, you fall in love with them.

    I say "Do you love me?"
    He says " Not like I should"

    I'm a single mother and a student. I guess I have a lot of "baggage" that he is not prepared to be responsible for. Which, why would I make him responsible for that?

    He cares so much and likes being with me and spending time with me. But I guess there's no love. I don't understand how a man can care tremendously about a woman both as a friend and as a girl friend yet not love them.

    I find myself wondering, if it's just something he doesn't realize. He isn't very verbal about his emotions. There's been many times I wonder what goes on in his mind. He's reserved about his feelings, and "careful."

    It is frustrating because every relationship I have had has taught me lessons for the next one. I continually ask myself when I will be done learning these lessons and have a relationship that will last? The more relationships that I have, the pickier I get. I fear... that I will never find the right one.

  2. #2
    TEAM ADMIN Array CHANDLERS WISH's Avatar
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    I don't know if we ever stop learning.. I do know that we also have intuition and mostly can see things wrong on the inset but plow away, in hope. I gave that part up along time ago and follow those gut feelings, now.

    How is he with your child ? Does he show love there?


    Maybe he in-fact has baggage and wants to go with the flow, not plan, not look forward but into "now" and in consideration that you at the beginning "you don't want", I think actually you do want and that's why you feel so hurt.

    CW
    Men also have a much harder time expressing their feelings, we ask because we are emotional, and sometimes, they reply only because we want them to..

    It's more of how they "treat" you not the words that are spoken.

    How does he treat you?

    You say you don't want commitment but I feel that's because you don't want him to feel threatened.

    You say you have baggage, if your referring to your child, that is not baggage, a man accepts a woman, he accepts her child.
    PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

  3. #3
    VIP Member Array Na-Na's Avatar
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    Not being able to say you love someone isn't necessarily a lack of commitment. A year and a half seems like a long time, but to some people it's not. I mean, I only just got to the point where I felt comfortable admitting to myself that I love my SO, and he's still not ready to say it. He'll say he loves me as a friend, and cares for me deeply, but he won't say I love you. Saying you love someone, if you're not the type to say the words lightly, is a huge step. Give it some more time. If you honestly feel like you have nothing to gain from the relationship then it's fine if it's over.

  4. #4
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    I love him dearly, and would wait around until he was "ready" or I felt that he didn't really love me. He says "once you say it you can't take it back," "I don't want you to use it against me" So i have mixed feelings as to weather he really doesn't love me "like he should" or if it just scares the out of him and he's not ready for it yet.

    I guess it's the "yet" part I want to know. I don't want to be a fool. I do want to settle down someday. He didn't know what to do with my son at first. But now I am able to bring him over to his house during the week or even weekends. He's even watched him for me a couple times. He's not a "lovey dovey" type, but he is ok with my son. He has a sweet side for my daughter though. Who I only see one week out of the month.

    He shows his love in many different ways. He can be affectionate, not very much in public, but can be affectionate at home. He cares a lot about me, and helping me change my oil or finding a new laptop are all ways he tries to help. He said "I show it in my actions" It of course being love, but he couldn't use the word.

    He's also said "I try to make my life as stress free as possible, this is stressful" I can understand that, you can't push him to talk about these things, he just shuts down even more. I have been pushing.

  5. #5
    WH MODERATOR Array Beautiful Disaster's Avatar
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    I have a hard time with commitment.....which also means I have a hard time saying the L word to anyone that's not family or best friend. Maybe lots of people get into relationships and just "know".......but I don't. Sounds to me that he cares alot about you, maybe his emotions don't develop and move as fast as yours......and maybe he thinks that deep down a long term commitment is truly what you want from him whether you admit it or not(engagement, marriage, etc), therefore he feels more pressure.

    I care deeply for the man I'm currently with. It's been about 5 months or so. I do not tell him I love him. There are times when I've felt like I might, but never enough to say it aloud. I've made it clear that I do not want those words to be rushed. Maybe he wants more? Maybe my giving of myself in the way that I do is not enough. And maybe I'll eventually walk away just because I don't "know" and my uncertainty will be hurtful to him. I care for him, I want to do things with him, I like his company (most the time haha).......in other words, I don't want to let him go, but if he asked me today "are you in love with me?", I couldn't say "yes" with certainty.

    I tell you this because maybe this is similar to what your guy is experiencing. Maybe he's giving you all that he can give. It's just not so easy for some of us. But what you have to ask yourself is "is that enough for me?".......and if realistically it is not, then now is the time to walk away, stay away, and find someone more compatible with you emotionally.

    It doesn't have to be bitter, there doesn't have to be fault......sometimes people just aren't compatible. And if often takes time to figure that out.

    My biggest question and the one you must ask yourself, Why did you feel the need to ask him if he loved you? I can only imagine that if you had been getting what you needed in the relationship, feeling loved........you wouldn't have asked. Unless you're just one of those gals that gets totally hung up on the fact that "I can't believe he hasn't told me he loves me". And if that's the case, then those are also usually the gals that get hung up on "we've been dating x number of years and he hasn't proposed."

    "Do you love me?" "Not like I should....." Well how should he? Very likely to him "Not like I should" means "not like you want me to."

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    Silver Contributor 100+ Posts Array the wench's Avatar
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    i used 2 find it hard 2 commit and would end things after a few weeks that changed though when i found someone who was easy 2 fall in love with and that also loves me...we were friends 1st and i think this had alot 2 do with it as we got 2 no each other surrounding that basis rather than a relationship way...i also have "baggage" which is another reason i didnt ever let mysel get involved with any1 but it was hard 2 control the feelings i had with 1 person and im gald i didnt do the usual and end it because we are still together and happy....
    the best thing you can do is just 2 have it out with him...deep down he must love you if he is still with you after that long...expressing his love in other ways in his eyes must be the way he thinks is right....everyone likes 2 be told they are loved though....hope he says it 2 you soon...i think he already does!
    x~There is a place you can touch a woman that will drive her crazy......Her heart!~x

    x~the wench~x

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    if this: "I don't understand how a man can care tremendously about a woman both as a friend and as a girl friend" is true, then "yet not love them." isnt accurate.

    it's harder for some people to say the words. every time i have said them i have ended up getting hurt in one way or another. i was terrified of saying it the last time, afraid of finding out that it was just really one way. although i heard it back, months later i see that it was just words for the other person.

    guess what i'm trying to say is that maybe he's been hurt before and afraid of saying it, even if he knows he does. pay attention to what he does. words can easily be lies. actions are harder to be non-truths.
    Last edited by sperosi; 12-08-2009 at 07:29 AM. Reason: reads easier

  8. #8
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    Can you give us a little more information about him? Right now it seems like he's just reserved, and wanting to wait. Especially with htat "once you say it, you can't take it back" comment.

    How old is he? Is there an age gap between the two of you? Has a dated a woman with children before? Has he been in a bad relationship, or just a serious relationship, before?

    It does sound like he loves you, or is well on his way to loving you. You certainly sound like you think so. There's nothing wrong with doubting from time to time. Being in a long relationship, especially when you have kids, and not getting that verbal reminder that this is the real thing can be scary. So again, for now I'm saying give it time. Don't give up what could be a really good thing because he can't say the words.

  9. #9
    TEAM ADMIN Array CHANDLERS WISH's Avatar
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    "I show it in my actions".

    He has told you sweet...

    Not every guy can show emotions, if they didn't have them when being bought up you've got bucklies of obtaining it from them.

    He sounds like a person who is a little closed in the affection department with words or too many actions but he has told you, " I show it in actions", that is an admission of a form of love.

    We don't know what the future holds and definately your stressing him if you keep pushing for answers, they should be staring at you, in actions, he is correct as that is the truest form of how you ascertain if you are loved or not.

    Not words. Words are cheap.. Action is real.

    CW
    PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

  10. #10
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    "And maybe I'll eventually walk away just because I don't "know" and my uncertainty will be hurtful to him. I care for him, I want to do things with him, I like his company (most the time haha).......in other words, I don't want to let him go, but if he asked me today "are you in love with me?", I couldn't say "yes" with certainty."

    I find myself trying to get him to understand whether he knows or not, so that he will not walk away from me. But I've been the one to break up. The first time I realized it was too soon for me to be asking him that. We lasted for another 7 months then brought it up again. This time he agreed that we should separated, but then when I asked him again he said he would rather be together than separated. But I find myself battling with my mind and heart.

    I'm not sure why I make such a big deal of it. I want to have a family some day and I don't want to be waiting forever. But I also know I don't want that now. I guess I just want someone who thinks we can be a family, just doesn't know when. I might need assurance?

    What you said "I care for him, I want to do things with him, I like his company (most the time haha).......in other words, I don't want to let him go, but if he asked me today "are you in love with me?", I couldn't say "yes" with certainty" sounds so familiar. He says that a lot.

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