So, my boyfriend smokes, a LOT.

**Mes T** · 12-20-2009 10:52 PM

Before I met him, I always told myself I could never, ever date a smoker because of the smell and after-taste in his mouth. Well, along came my current boyfriend, and for various reasons I couldn't resist him, even knowing full well that he smokes.

It's not really a problem now... per-se. He takes care to eat mints or whatever after smoking, and sometimes the smell reminds me in a good way of my parents' house since they both smoke like chimneys...

But I feel like the longer I'm with him, the more I pay attention to his habit. He smokes whenever we're walking outside (goodbye fresh air), chain smokes in the mornings before work "to get his nicotine fill for the day" (gawd if I ever hear that again I'm going to have to punch something), just smoke, smoke, smoke, smoke, smoke.

I guess apart from all the discomfort (and my potential increase for lung cancer, thanks buddy), I'm really worried about his future health. Genetically, he's pretty prone to illness. And he's already 7 years older than me. I can't help but think way ahead and how I do NOT want to be a widow at like 40.

Now, I REALLY don't want to be "that" non-smoker. "Hey, I can't breathe here, hey I'm better than you, hey you're killing yourself..." UGH. You know the type. How can I talk to him about this without sounding like I'm attacking him? Yes I want him to quit, but I don't want to be "that" girlfriend... you know??

**x.st.angel.x** · 12-21-2009 12:56 AM

Wow this situation sounds very familiar....

my boyfriend is also 7 years older than me and smokes like crazy...it only bugs me due to health issues and he's been smoking since he was 15 and he's 26 now,...

I'll tell you what im currently doing and maybe it may inspire you to do the same?

He's told me he wants to quit for me because im a non smoker and because he doesnt enjoy smoking at all. First i must ask, does your boyfriend want to quit and just cant or does he not have quitting in his mind?

When my bf wakes up and wants a smoke i distract him and ask him to wait an hour...he moans and groans (still with a smile on his face) and i'll distract him by giving him a massage or something. When the hour passes and he's like "ok ciggie time'" i always so...well.....i'll give you another massage if you hold off for another half hour etc etc

it actually works but it can only work if he actually wants to quit. You can tell him you want to help him and find something he likes (e.g massages) and use it as "a reward if....."

**GlitterAndStuds** · 12-21-2009 06:41 AM

What Angel said is a really good idea. I was about to ask if your boyfriend has ever mentioned quitting, or at least having the intention to... like as a New Year's Resolution or something?

Either way, let him know that you're there to help in any way he needs. I was actually in the opposite situation, I used to smoke up a storm for years before I met my current boyfriend. Maybe a little less than a pack a day. He's never smoked anything, hates drinking (which is fine because I don't really care for that either), all that stuff. But he never, ever bothered me about it. He's just that kind of guy where his mentality is "I can only suggest". He's like you, he never wants to be that boyfriend who bugs me to do/not do something or tell me what to do.

Well, after a while I got it in my head that I needed to stop, especially when we started plans to live together. I was thinking how unfair that would be to him to have to live with the smell and everything, when he doesn't do any of that. Plus I could tell it bugged him even though he never actually said it. I cut down to just 3 cigarettes a day, and with that much time in between them, by the time I had one I just felt like carp afterwards. So I just thought, well, there's really no point in spending almost 10 bucks a pack just to feel gross all the time.

So one suggestion would be to try getting him to at least cut down a lot, because usually quitting something cold turkey backfires a LOT. If it's anything like me, if he cuts down, it really won't be as fun for him. But he has to really want to do it. Maybe work it into a conversation about Resolutions for New Year's. Simply suggest that he cuts down on smoking and eventually quits.

**GlitterAndStuds** · 12-21-2009 06:43 AM

Oh what I forgot to mention (and what was the whole point of my reply, haha) is that when I finally quit altogether, I TOLD my boyfriend to get on me about it. Anytime I thought about having one, or taking a drag off someone else's, to yell at me or just make sure that I don't. That was the only way he would agree to telling me not to, because I asked him to do that.

It was really effective haha. One time we were at his friend's house for a bonfire, and my friend lit one and I asked for a drag off it. My boyfriend was like "NO!!" because it had been a week where I hadn't had one. It works, believe me. Haha.

**pretzel** · 12-21-2009 06:54 AM

Coming from a smoker who lives with a smoker, I don't think it's a good idea to "nag" per se, but you're there as well and if it bothers you then you have the right to say something.

Tell him to either go outside for designate a room (we use the basement) where it's ok for him to smoke up a storm. Then when he goes there, don't go with him. Let him smoke and then he can come back.

He'll quit when he's ready. Until then, best thing you could do is try to get him to smoke less when he's with you.

**sourpuss** · 12-21-2009 07:09 AM

As an ex-smoker and someone who's dating a smoker. I can agree with pretzel. He'll only quit when he's ready. The more you nag (even if he says he wants to quit, the more the focus will be on smoking)
I just bought my boyfriend Allen Carr's Quit Smoking the Easy Way. We'll see if it works. But he wants to quit and is ready so that will help.

All you can do is tell him that you care about his health and hope that one day he'll quit, for himself. After that, it's up to him.

Like my boyfriend always says. "There are a lot of things in life you can't do and no longer call yourself smart and smoking is one of them" But it's a hugely powerful drug and as much as someone wants to quit, it's always hard.

All you can do is be supportive when he's ready.

**KMonte85** · 12-21-2009 07:16 AM

My boyfriend smoked when I started dating him too. I told him I didn't like it and didn't want to be around it, and wished he would quit. But that was it. I didn't nag him, and as long as he didn't smoke around me (never in the house, never in the car, etc etc... ) I left the subject alone. I knew that I wasn't going to make him quit. He knew that I didn't want to be around smoke. Eventually he quit on his own... moreso because the taxes increased so much that a pack is around $7 or $8 each. A pack-a-day kind of smoker will go broke quick!

Do as the others have said.... Don't nag - he knows you don't like it already. And just ask the he be courteous to you by not smoking around you so you don't have to be a secondhand smoker. And let him know that if and when-ever he would want to quit, you will be supportive, cuz trust me, some guys can be real BEARS when their going through nicotine withdrawl... but it will pass and life will become pleasant again!

**Mes T** · 12-21-2009 05:21 PM

I've never brought the subject up since as some of you said, nagging is definitely not the way to go... and no, he has NEVER mentioned a desire to quit, which is not a good sign.

We teach English in Korea right now and they're only just now passing a law banning smoking in public places. But, for various reasons, I'm pretty sure that ban will be very difficult to enforce for a long time to come, so even if he wanted to quit, he'd still be surrounded by smokers day in and day out.

I guess the best way to ever bring it up, if at all, is to mention that I'm worried about his health... right? That's not nagging, is it?

And quite frankly I do NOT want to be a second hand smoker for the rest of my life. First it was growing up with my chimney parents, and now this? Sometimes I get really frustrated by the whole thing... I don't ever say anything at this point, but I'm hoping that he's catching on to my subtle body language changes when he lights up a cigarette.

**x.st.angel.x** · 12-21-2009 07:20 PM

Originally Posted by Mes_T

I guess the best way to ever bring it up, if at all, is to mention that I'm worried about his health... right? That's not nagging, is it?

Bringing that up is not nagging at all! It's affecting you too so you have a right to bring it up to him.

**dr.mansview** · 12-21-2009 09:06 PM

Now, I REALLY don't want to be "that" non-smoker. "Hey, I can't breathe here, hey I'm better than you, hey you're killing yourself..." UGH. You know the type. How can I talk to him about this without sounding like I'm attacking him? Yes I want him to quit, but I don't want to be "that" girlfriend... you know??

it's really hard not to say anything, isn't it..i've dated 3 women who smoked and i made it known in a light hearted manner how much i dislike it..they all limited their smoking when i was around..what smokers often don't realise is that their clothing smells of smoke..and when i get home, so does mine..

i'm far from an anal retentive person, but could never live with a smoker..