Perceptions

**kygirl** · 12-22-2009 02:27 PM

Do you think we tend to judge people we want to date more on who we *think* they are very quickly or who they really are?

One of the things I hate about dating is a lot of times, just when you think you have someone figured out, you realize that there is a lot more than you realized...which usually complicates things...

One of the guys knows I'm not just seeing him and he still really wants to be the person I pick. I am telling the other one tonight. The problem is, if I could hypothetically be happy with both longterm, just in different ways, how do you pick?

It's like picking between a pair of heels and a pair of tennis shoes. They both are great in their own right...

**Mes T** · 12-22-2009 05:26 PM

Yeah we definitely don't find out who a person REALLY is until some time has passed, unfortunately!

You know what, I've been in those situations before, dating more than one guy and not being sure who to pick. My best friend has also had these "problems." And guess what our solution was... which turned out to be the BEST decision ever...?

DUMP THEM ALL.

It's just unnecessary brain stress, dating more than one person and then wondering who the heck to choose...

I think it's best to wait for ONE guy to come around who happens to outshine everyone else by a mile, ya know?

If you're dating two guys who are pretty much equally good, would you really want either of them? I'd think you'd want one who has NO match, ANYwhere.

**Sprite** · 12-23-2009 03:53 AM

I agree fully with Mes_T!!!

You may find that you would have regrets with certain things...not purposely but something that is in human nature such as "oh, well if I took the other guy he might've done this not that." If you get where I'm coming from.

I hope you follow your heart though, and good luck

xx

**sperosi** · 12-23-2009 04:46 AM

i think our perceptions of people we have a thing for are (at least initially) based on who we think & wish they would be. Unlike people who we arent interested in, it takes a bit of time for us to see people for who they really are. I def dont believe that we can really see it in a few dates, unless of course they are complete Tools and show their colors.

i have seen you post a couple of times about these two guys. IMHO it comes down to this, if you have to think about which one you really want, you dont really want either of them.

when the time is right to decide, it should be very clear.

**pretzel** · 12-23-2009 06:47 AM

Originally Posted by kygirl

Do you think we tend to judge people we want to date more on who we *think* they are very quickly or who they really are?

One of the things I hate about dating is a lot of times, just when you think you have someone figured out, you realize that there is a lot more than you realized...which usually complicates things...

One of the guys knows I'm not just seeing him and he still really wants to be the person I pick. I am telling the other one tonight. The problem is, if I could hypothetically be happy with both longterm, just in different ways, how do you pick?

It's like picking between a pair of heels and a pair of tennis shoes. They both are great in their own right...

We absolutely choose those we want to date based on perceptions of what we feel they are. It's called first impressions and finding out about each other.

We all have a subconscious list of personality priorities as well as physical priorities that play into this. This is what initially attracts one person to another. Those priorities are either enhanced or lessened based on getting to know them.

Sounds like, to me anyway, you've hit an unfortunate situation where you have two men who have equal but different personalities that are forcing you to prioritize in your own mind which of those are most important to you. That doesn't happen too often.

Once you decide those qualities you see in individuals are most important to you then I think you'll find that the one who doesn't hold those will start to become less important as a person you want to continue dating/having a long term relationship with.

Neither guy is perfect. I really don't believe in the "perfect partner" but some times we do come across that one person where they have most of those qualities you find important. But I wouldn't waste a lifetime looking for one special person. You may waste a lifetime doing it.

**prawnprincess** · 12-23-2009 10:24 AM

Whether we judge them on who we think they are or who they really are, the best part is that people cannot really be *known* all at once. It's as if they are unfolding as we go along, and that is the fun (and sometimes tricky) part. And it takes some sort of commitment to be a part of that unfolding process.

I sometimes become immobilized by decisions- you really never know what is best. If someone says he/she knows, it isn't true. I read somewhere that there isn't a right and wrong answer- there are just different answers, and, among them, one with which you choose to live. So I'm trying to go with the flow and let coincidences guide me along rather than forcing things.

I guess that's the thing about life- you never know what will happen next.

As Milan Kundera said, "We live everything as it comes, without warning, like an actor going on cold. And what can life be worth if the first rehearsal for life is life itself? That is why life is always a sketch. No sketch is not quite the right word, because a sketch is an outline of something, the groundwork for a picture, whereas the sketch that is our life is a sketch of nothing, an outline with no picture.”

I know this quote might seem kind of depressing, but I like to think of it in a positive light- life more like an unchoreographed dance or something.

**kygirl** · 12-23-2009 11:11 AM

Originally Posted by prawnprincess

Whether we judge them on who we think they are or who they really are, the best part is that people cannot really be *known* all at once. It's as if they are unfolding as we go along, and that is the fun (and sometimes tricky) part. And it takes some sort of commitment to be a part of that unfolding process.

I sometimes become immobilized by decisions- you really never know what is best. If someone says he/she knows, it isn't true. I read somewhere that there isn't a right and wrong answer- there are just different answers, and, among them, one with which you choose to live. So I'm trying to go with the flow and let coincidences guide me along rather than forcing things.

I guess that's the thing about life- you never know what will happen next.

As Milan Kundera said, "We live everything as it comes, without warning, like an actor going on cold. And what can life be worth if the first rehearsal for life is life itself? That is why life is always a sketch. No sketch is not quite the right word, because a sketch is an outline of something, the groundwork for a picture, whereas the sketch that is our life is a sketch of nothing, an outline with no picture.”

I know this quote might seem kind of depressing, but I like to think of it in a positive light- life more like an unchoreographed dance or something.

Thanks for sharing all of that Prawn

**Texinator** · 12-23-2009 12:33 PM

Originally Posted by Mes_T

I'd think you'd want one who has NO match, ANYwhere.

Talking about me behind my back, I see.

Haha!

**Hopeless Dork** · 12-23-2009 03:19 PM

This is the problem I have with dating multiple people at the same time. I've seen a whole lot of people here say that its a good idea to have plenty of options when single until you meet the one.

But this here dilemma or being in a situation like one of your potential boyfriends is what would lead me from doing something like this.

It seems you have dated and gotten to know both these guys extensively enough to be considering getting serious with either one of them... I think you are at a point now (in a perfect world it would have been sooner) where you should start focusing on the one that captures your heart most and letting go of the other before more emotions become involved and the entanglement is even more inter-weaved.