commitment phobic man driving me crazy!

**happy ending** · 12-27-2009 04:54 PM

well i sort of contributed to the problem, in that when we first started seeing each other i had only left my ex husband 6 months before, he betrayed me completely, as my fellas ex did to him, but fast forward on two years (now) and i have moved on, whereas he is in the same place. if you talk about the future, he always says there is no point as we could all be dead tomorrow, and yes i am quite aware that this is a cop out.

you have hit the nail on the head lanabear, i used to be afraid that he would bolt, now i would almost welcome it, as i feel i am going to get hurt, i just dont know when. i am tired and would just like to relax into our relationship instead of worrying where it is going, i think two years should be long enough. thank you everyone for your advice, you have given me a lot to think about and (sigh!) act upon.

**happy ending** · 12-27-2009 07:00 PM

just been thinking some more about what everyone has said, and there is so much good in our relationship and because some of the issues are probably as much mine as his, i am going to suggest couples counselling, as a way to improve things with us, rather than as a make or break measure. if i was to put to him that we probably both have issues from previous relationships impeding our closeness, we have grown together, when we first met, he told me he never fell in love, now he says he loves me. he has made a lot of progress in many ways, i dont want to throw out the baby with the bathwater, but if he wont even consider it, well i will at least know that the writing is on the wall. i think i will write it all down in a letter, just to clear my confused brain!

thank you all again for your imput, you have all given me so much to consider!

**WildChild** · 12-27-2009 08:16 PM

Writing to help clear your mind is a good idea Happy, If you aren't ready to give up on the relationship then couples counseling just may help you both to move forward. Sometimes its hard to learn from past experience and not repeat or relive it. We humans seem to want to keep running in the known path even when it hasn't served us well.

**happy ending** · 12-27-2009 09:56 PM

there is so much good between us, i would like to try and save it if possible. i did spend christmas with my family and listened to my sister who is desperate to marry her partner, they have been together 25 years and he still wont get married because his first marriage ended badly, and talking to my cousin that still obsesses over his ex 10 years later and just other things have made me think, about past issues and how they impact on our present. amongst over things.

**uta** · 12-28-2009 09:55 AM

How old is this guy? I'm kinda new to this group so I'm not too familiar with the whole picture. I'l give you my opinion tho. I'm with a guy who is kinda sorta the same way as your man. I have asked for advice from this site and ladies you are all great. I love you all. I have decided to kick this guy to the curb. Our paths crossed for a brief moment and now they must go their own ways again. Will they cross again? Who knows! Yes it sucks to be alone, yet it is also great to be alone. I have a dog and yes it's tru. A woman's best friend. If I want to go for a walk the dog doesn't argue or complain. He's right there happy to be with me. This guy of yours has issues like mine. I believe that one day (just not this day or the next few days) he will come to realize what he has lost. Hopefully he will realize he lost a great person. Then again who knows. By the time that happens you could be with the love of your life and not even miss him. Point is you just don't know what the future holds for you. You won't have a chance to find out hanging on to this guy who just keeps stringing you along. It takes courage to move forwards as you don't know what's ahead but please believe there is a lot of happiness out there and it is yours for the taking. Join a walking group, running group, something that will keep you busy and make you happy. Who knows you may even find a positive man in one of these groups who isn't afraid of a commitment.

**happy ending** · 12-30-2009 12:40 AM

i wrote a letter telling him why i would like us to see a counsellor, i read it to him, stressing what i love and respect about him, surprisingly he doesnt seem that resistant to the idea. he said the letter i wrote was probably the nicest he's ever gotten. i said not to answer straight away but that we will talk about it 2 days, so he has time to think about it and so he isnt just doing it to make me happy. but we'll see!

uta i have been with my fella for two years, he spends every available minute with us, treats us (my daughter and i) very well, but every so often, has a melt down that he is getting too involved with us. we both have a lot of issues due to previous betrayals, so i am never sure how much is him and how much is me.

**happy ending** · 12-30-2009 04:53 PM

well we had a discussion last night, that turned into an arguement, and he then started with the whole all women ......., and then he kept turning what i said into a joke, i told him i didnt want him in the city with us, he said oh but you need my support in the city, yeah right! one of the things i was so unreasonable about was that he is going overseas for a month, he will have a cellphone, and i wanted the number. he said that was far too intrusive and clingy. i cried myself to sleep, but today i feel better almost relieved, i now know, i am not imagining things and i can go on with my life.

**LanaBear** · 12-30-2009 05:07 PM

That sucks! Asking for a cell phone number from a man you have been with for 2 years, who will be out of the country for a month IS NOT too intrusive or clingy.

But you are right, you now know where you stand and can now move on... It's never fun to cry yourself to sleep though.

**Texinator** · 12-30-2009 07:01 PM

Originally Posted by happy ending

uta i have been with my fella for two years, he spends every available minute with us, treats us (my daughter and i) very well, but every so often, has a melt down that he is getting too involved with us. we both have a lot of issues due to previous betrayals, so i am never sure how much is him and how much is me.

That's the part I don't get. He sounds like a great guy in many ways and like he's really interested in being close with you and your daughter.. 'playing family' if you will.. but then on the other hand he comes up with things like not wanting to give you his number when he's gone for a month. He can't seem to make up his mind.

**happy ending** · 12-30-2009 07:28 PM

Originally Posted by Tex

That's the part I don't get. He sounds like a great guy in many ways and like he's really interested in being close with you and your daughter.. 'playing family' if you will.. but then on the other hand he comes up with things like not wanting to give you his number when he's gone for a month. He can't seem to make up his mind.

i know its so confusing, although i feel sad, i also feel so relieved, as now i know for sure, he is very angry though, says i'm making a big deal out of nothing, what is wrong with wanting his privacy etc etc, well he's got it. i need to move on, he is full of anger and resentment, the worse thing is he told me i'm trying to trap him into marriage, i'm not even divorced yet. i asked him his reasoning and he told me it was because his ex-wife did that! ARRRRRGGGHHHHHHH - how frustrated do you think i felt!

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