commitment phobic man driving me crazy!

**happy ending** · 12-27-2009 03:11 AM

as WH regulars would be aware, i am involved with a wonderful, sweet thoughtful man, who after his divorce 15 years ago is a complete commitphobe. he has improved but recently when i asked him to co-sign a three month lease he freaked out, and told me i was trying to force him into a commitment, although he says he wants to live with us and will pay his way etc. the lease isnt really the problem, but it sort of made me realise we have no future together. because he admits he only lets me into his life enough to keep me. this is after 2 happy years together. do you think i should suggest couples counselling or let him go. i mean his divorce was 15 years ago, if he hasnt moved on may be he is a lost cause. he tries to get involved in my life, but limits my involvement in his.

any advice is welcomed, i love him, but we keep coming up against this, i will get hurt if we break up, but maybe better now than later?

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 12-27-2009 04:13 AM

Oh Man...

Still?

I have this sincere thought... People come in to our lives for a reason... Is it the ever ending, after? Or, just at that time a reason?

You know your past your present and your future.

You know my answer.

Paying a thousand against a lease is "not" marriage, it's "not" a mortgage on a house, a "let" garage

, it's 4 - 6 weeks rental fee, at $350? worse? $1400 x 4, $2100 thereabouts by 6, half of that a grand.

Not a Mortgage 50/50, but $1000...

I think you know your answer and I am so sorry, so sorry but I'm betting, intuition said "15 years sounds good", to later "15 years and holding on".

I said this to my Father on Xmas Day and a few times in threads, after over 2yrs being here? posts? seems to be a pattern of baggage and seems to be we let go and are ready to move on but sometimes, a male person can not, his marriage and what was taken scares the carp out of him, seems the men get screwed more, let's face it.

In mine, I'm still working it out but at this stage, other way round. But, I get, that in general, man has to start again.

That makes him more bitter? I think so.

How to you get them over it Happy? I have no friggen idea, that was "my" problem with "my marriage" then he became emotionally and verbally abusive including thumping his feet and opening my door and scaring me.

That was his prob, that is his prob. He will not be happy in life, yet you, have seen something that you never had before, better than before which tells you there is now even better to come

You've realized, that Lordy, you've shown your worth, you've shown your not asking for marriage, geez just sharing a bond, yet still "entrapement"...

I wish all people in life saw each person for themselves, instead of a gender, ......

Ensuring he can't see you for a month may just be the key you need to see what he will lose.

But, I wouldn't agree. I believe that this is not the only "no" he has stated over things to do with togetherness.

So, what do you have to loose?

See if he can compromise seeing as you've tried and he ignores, via you leaving with, no ultimatum rather, we can't communicate and agree. Because reality is, if you can't compromise? Then what is there?

Thinking of you.

CW

**happy ending** · 12-27-2009 05:09 AM

i know CW but the relationship is great, but hasnt grown, he treats us nicely, there is so much good stuff, but after 2 years you would think we had grown past the oh she's trying to make me commit. little things also annoy like he is all over my life, but i am not even listed as his contact person in case of problems, his brother is and he doesnt even like him! i am thinking as i am moving it might be a good time to move on. he has been saying he cant commit to anything until after february, i dont want a commitment, i want a flat mate, then i can work out my finances etc! its all just stale and old!

maybe part of the problem is that he is so nice and respectful compared to my abusive mean ex!

**Mes T** · 12-27-2009 05:39 AM

Have you suggested the counseling idea to him... and if not, how do you think he'd respond to it?

This certainly has the potential of being a brick wall to an otherwise great future, and if you don't think he'll change, then I think you already know what's in your best interest to do about it.

There are some really nice guys out there who DON'T have commitment issues, regardless of past break-ups.

It's unfortunate for him that he has this issue... but it shouldn't be YOUR burden as well.

**sperosi** · 12-27-2009 05:44 AM

what's the magical thing with "after february"?

if the relationship is great but hasn't grown, is it really great? would you be ok with it being this way for the next forever?

**happy ending** · 12-27-2009 06:16 AM

after february he finds out if he is made permanent in his job, but he is still looking at returning his country of origin in 5 years or so. the relationship has grown in our affections and regard for each other, but every so often he has a meltdown! and no i have been very understanding and patient, not to mention dealing with my own issues, but no i would like us to have the potential to have permanancy.

**sperosi** · 12-27-2009 11:30 AM

he may be made permanent but may go back to his own country in 5 years? have you two discussed you going with him?

if not, and i mean discussed for real, he has told you his shelf life (or yours) is 5 years.

this just sounds too unstable. without knowing the rest of the details of your relationship with this man, it sounds like you are being treated as a suga momma with benefits. he lets you in his life enough so he can keep you? or is it a place to stay and a romp here and there? yes it can be fun too for a short period of time, but is that what you want?

he needs to go. you deserve better.

**Explorer44** · 12-27-2009 11:49 AM

I think that if he did go to counseling it might really help him move on from the past-but only if he genuinely wants to do it.

Otherwise, it will just be him trying to placate you.

I feel for you. I've been in a similar situation. At some point it's just that nothing's ever going to happen to take the next step. And that's so devastating after all that emotional investment.

Sure you can keep dating him-you enjoy his company and he treats you well. But is this relationship keeping you from the possibility of something even better?

**LanaBear** · 12-27-2009 01:52 PM

That's a toughy... He doesn't sound like the type of guy who would appreciate you or anybody suggesting counseling to him. How do you think he would react? If he can't sign a 3 month without fear of commitment, I think a couples counseling suggestion would toss him over the edge.

It just kind of seems like your life is on hold, waiting for him to commit or flee. He's gotta make up his mind somewhere. Him limiting your involvement in his life his pretty selfish.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 12-27-2009 01:58 PM

It just kind of seems like your life is on hold, waiting for him to commit or flee. He's gotta make up his mind somewhere. Him limiting your involvement in his life his pretty selfish.

And, that is what I would be saying to him

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