1st time living with bf...

**KMonte85** · 01-04-2010 10:35 AM

Ok so here is the scoop. Sorry this is going to be loooooong....

I've been with my boyfriend since I was 16 - I'm 24 now - he just turned 28. Everything has always been good between us, we're really very compatible in almost every way.

We have never lived together, with being young, living with the parents, and then moving to school, etc, there just was no reason for it. I lived in the dorms at school, and then for two years rented my own apartment there until I graduated... when I moved back I lived by myself for a year, he lived by his self -we were both within 2 miles of each other and not happy with our apartments, landlords, increasing rent, etc.... Well, I got so fed up - I bought a house in august and asked him to move in with me, split the rent and expenses ect.. that was a "duh" so of course he did. We are now both paying less to live together in our home than we were living individually in our apartments.

Now I'm starting to feel overwhelmed and getting the "mommy syndrome." I leave for work before him and half the time come home after him. I make his lunch for work in the morning, I make dinner at night, I wash the dishes, I dust, I sweep and vacuum, I do all the laundry (Except his clothing - but all mine + household linens), I feed/water the animals (his 2 cats and labrador and my 1 cat), I take his dog out to play and walk, I clean the litter boxes, I feed his fish, and I still put on a happy (albeit exhausted) face for sex most nights.

I keep thinking how nice things were when it was just me and my cat in my apartment, where the only mess I had to clean was my own (and the cat's but I digress...). He tells me that he doesn't like cleaning because all day long at work he's stuck cleaning up after the messy guys in the workshop - that he gets home and the last thing he wants to do is clean up around the house or scoop cat poo or (insert daily chore here). I think that is a cop out! Who really enjoys doing all those things? sure I can get in a cleaning mood sometimes, but really?

He had vacation all last week, been off since Dec 24. I would come home from work every day to find the house a bigger and bigger mess.

Add to this that he has not paid me his half of the expenses for the last 3 months. Someone illuded to me that he was saving up for an engagement ring for Christmas... well that came and went. No ring, not that I was upset as I am in no rush to marry, but now I'm wondering where his money is going??

I asked him yesterday when I could expect him to start paying his half of the living expenses and he quietly in a somewhat embarrassed voice said "when I get some money...". His hours did get cut, but not so much that he is completely broke! And not to mention he's actually living cheaper now than he was at his old place!

I don't want to be some tyrant landlord demanding his "rent" on time or get out since it is legally my place... but I'm also starting to feel the pinch a bit. I bought the house knowing that I could afford it on my own, but that was with ONE person living there. Add to it another person and all the pets and you're talking increased bills on groceries, electricity, etc that can really add up!

I don't want to be a nag who keeps harping him to clean up, but i swear if I have to pick his dirty socks up or put his dirty dishes in the sink to soak one more time... I might just explode.

How do I handle this and get him to shape up without yelling/accusing/being aggressive? I don't want to scream at him, but I DO want him to hear me and make the necessary changes, When we lived apart, it was so great - now that we're together, the foundation of our relationship is the same - we get along perfectly, see eye to eye in every aspect, he is kind and loving otherwise... but he's just become such a deadbeat!

**Hopeless Dork** · 01-04-2010 10:48 AM

I'd start making things that matter to him the most..become HIS bills. If he likes his hbo and cable...quit paying... let the box come up on the screen saying service disconnected... when prompted say ack honey, between having to cover the rent by myself for the months... I just couldn't swing the cable too.

It sounds like he thinks you got it all under control and is realizing that even if he is unable to contribute..everything gets paid all the same. So instead of stepping up to hold his weight he is allowing you to carry him because he see's you have the ability to do so.

In most cases I'd say you have to pick your battles but it sounds like you have way too many battles going on to pick just one. Unfortunately if he can tolerate a dirtier house than you... waiting it out to see if he'll clean will result in you going nuts and him not even noticing the dishes piled high in the sink.

If you don't tell him how you feel you are going to explode. Nagging him about every little thing is going to cause him to turn a deaf ear to what you are saying as it will all start to sound the same (insert charlie browns teacher sound)

I'd sit him down and have a calm talk that covers ALL of your grievences at once that can be summed up by saying that feel he is taking you for granted. Between not pitching in on bills and not helping clean... you are not feeling like he is concerned about all the extra stress that is building up for you having to pay for everything and also clean everything.

Be sure to let him know the things he does that DO make you happy, positive reinforcement tends to work best with most people. Thank you for cleaning up the cat box babe you have no idea how much better that made my day (when he does things like that).

Holding everything in and going about business as usual will make this new deadbeat behavior BECOME business as usual as he thinks everything is fine and good. Then one day you're just gonna freak out at one dish being in the sink and tell him to gtfo of your house :P Dont let it get that far!

**kygirl** · 01-04-2010 10:58 AM

I'm going to agree with HD. I'd definitely talk to him about it. Preface it with everything you said about how compatible you are otherwise, etc. Let him know that you don't mind helping out a bit, but that the agreement when he moved in was 1/2 the expenses and you would appreciate some help around the house since he'd have to do it at his own place. Maybe you can figure out who will do what?

Good luck dear! I am sure it's very frustrating, but don't let it drag on too long before you say something or you might explode

**KMonte85** · 01-04-2010 11:17 AM

I know you ladies are right... I really need to talk to him. My problem is that I have such a hard time talking to him about these things because I feel like I'm criticizing him and he almost always ends up with hurt feelings. Funny because I will tell anybody else on the planet just exactly how it is and how it's going to be - but with him I am so different. Maybe because when I get mad he does something else so sweet that I can't stay mad and then tell myself its not a big deal, we can talk about it later....

How do you gently tell somebody to clean up and pay up? ...And because we aren't married I feel like its not really my business to know where all his cash is going, but I would really like to know how he's broke all of a sudden when he is working and hasn't paid ANY living expenses in 3 months. How do you even broach the subject without getting him into defense mode???

**pretzel** · 01-04-2010 11:22 AM

Originally Posted by KMonte85

I know you ladies are right... I really need to talk to him. My problem is that I have such a hard time talking to him about these things because I feel like I'm criticizing him and he almost always ends up with hurt feelings. Funny because I will tell anybody else on the planet just exactly how it is and how it's going to be - but with him I am so different. Maybe because when I get mad he does something else so sweet that I can't stay mad and then tell myself its not a big deal, we can talk about it later....

How do you gently tell somebody to clean up and pay up? ...And because we aren't married I feel like its not really my business to know where all his cash is going, but I would really like to know how he's broke all of a sudden when he is working and hasn't paid ANY living expenses in 3 months. How do you even broach the subject without getting him into defense mode???

Maybe something like this

"Sweetie, I really need you to start helping a little more around here."

If that doesn't work, get yourself a nice little do it yourself lease at Staples, fill it in and hand it to him.

**sperosi** · 01-04-2010 11:37 AM

well i can understand your not wanting to hurt his feelings, but sometimes that is what it takes to get people to pull their fare share of the load. tell him it isnt personal, but he needs to cover some of the bills or you will have to find another person to move in and share the expenses.

if you cant cover all of the expenses on your own, telling him just that isnt mean, it is the truth!

**kygirl** · 01-04-2010 11:41 AM

Originally Posted by KMonte85

How do you gently tell somebody to clean up and pay up? ...And because we aren't married I feel like its not really my business to know where all his cash is going, but I would really like to know how he's broke all of a sudden when he is working and hasn't paid ANY living expenses in 3 months. How do you even broach the subject without getting him into defense mode???

KM,

it's hard to "criticize" people that you love. I have so much trouble (or more so used to have trouble) telling people that I needed help, that something was bothering me, etc.

You've been together for a long time, and it seems like you'd like to remain together. I would just tell him that you realize this is all new to both of you. That you love having him there, but at the same time, you could use some help cleaning so you could enjoy more downtime with him. Also, that you don't want to have to be on to him or nagging about the rent, but that was the agreement when he moved in. If he were living somewhere else, he'd have to pay it, and it's almost like he's taking advantage of the fact that it's you a bit and that's not fair.

He may get a bit aggitated at first, but if he loves you, he will step back and realize that maybe he's been a bit unfair and start helping out and fulfilling his commitments.

Good luck

**KMonte85** · 01-04-2010 11:48 AM

Originally Posted by sperosi

if you cant cover all of the expenses on your own, telling him just that isnt mean, it is the truth!

Another reason I feel kind of carppy about the whole situation. I CAN afford it. I bought the place knowing I would have cushion with just one income. Having two people increases the bills but I can still cover it. However, for me to maintain the same cushion and keep my retirement and savings contribution the same, I have to cut back on other things that I enjoy... like buying Starbucks here and there and going shopping.

It wouldn't be such a huge deal if we didnt agree to split the expenses down the middle before I let him move in with me. Now its like he just forgot about our agreement... and it doesn't seem like he's cutting back. He is still making frivolous purchases. So what gives, ya know? I feel like he's just expecting me to foot the financial burden because I can... and he's giving me no explanation why he all of a sudden CAN'T.

As for the cleaning, he's always been messy which I knew I would have to pick up the slack to have the house how I want it. But now he isn't lifting a finger to do anything unless I harp on him. I will ask him to pick his clothes up that he left in the living room and get "sure, no problem" then no action...

**sourpuss** · 01-04-2010 11:50 AM

If you don't address this, there will eventually be resentment, and rightfully so.
If you are working more and paying for everything, honestly, you shouldn't have to lift a finger. Relationships are partnerships, you're not his maid or his mother. At this point, he's taking advantage of you and taking you for granted. Address the problem before you are hurt and angry about it.

**pretzel** · 01-04-2010 12:06 PM

Originally Posted by KMonte85

Another reason I feel kind of carppy about the whole situation. I CAN afford it. I bought the place knowing I would have cushion with just one income. Having two people increases the bills but I can still cover it. However, for me to maintain the same cushion and keep my retirement and savings contribution the same, I have to cut back on other things that I enjoy... like buying Starbucks here and there and going shopping.

It wouldn't be such a huge deal if we didnt agree to split the expenses down the middle before I let him move in with me. Now its like he just forgot about our agreement... and it doesn't seem like he's cutting back. He is still making frivolous purchases. So what gives, ya know? I feel like he's just expecting me to foot the financial burden because I can... and he's giving me no explanation why he all of a sudden CAN'T.

As for the cleaning, he's always been messy which I knew I would have to pick up the slack to have the house how I want it. But now he isn't lifting a finger to do anything unless I harp on him. I will ask him to pick his clothes up that he left in the living room and get "sure, no problem" then no action...

Til what point. What happens when the furnace or water heater goes. What happens when you need a new roof. This is your house, your credit score, your liability. You have every reason to protect what's yours.

Are you willing to accept this going forward? I seriously doubt it.

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