Would love an opinion

**GoodEgg** · 01-04-2010 07:45 PM

Hey there... It's been a while since I last posted. Different scenario developed now and wondering if anyone else has experienced same... has any opinions on whether I'm moving forward... or backward?

A while back I described that my boyfriend who I have been living with for the past 2 years (we're heading into year 4) had grown distant and was telling me that he was feeling less secure about the future of our relationship. Well, we had another incident just the other day. It started off a normal day, snuggling and enjoying each others' company. Then that evening as we were sitting outside, he suddenly said "I don't want to be in a relationship anymore." Just like that. I asked him why and he said it wasn't anything wrong with "us" or me, but he just didn't want to be in a relationship of any kind any more. I've been dealing with lots of other big life issues so I just said I thought this was rash based on just that statement with no other information provided. I told him maybe the problem is all the life issues he was suddenly dealing with as a recently inducted member of the work force and he said no, that wasn't it. I also threw it out there that maybe he just needed more time to himself. We practically live in each others' pockets now and neither of us are particularly resourceful at finding other social outlets so we end up being nearly each others' only source of entertainment on nights out. Well, the next day, in addition to apologizing "for the tactless and insensitive" way that he presented that announcement he also said a light went on when I mentioned moving out but continuing to date. He said he definitely still loves me and doesn't want to break up but that maybe I've come up with a valid solution.

So here we come to day 2 of this episode. I have found a good selection of apartments and although a part of me looks forward to having the kitchen (I live with 3 guys including my bf) to myself and having a clean place, having space to myself to sit and not worry about entertaining him, a part of me is sad, as well. He and I both fear that this might create too much distance. I am not sure if this is the case or not being that we dated for nearly 2 years living in separate places, but that was during the honeymoon stage of the relationship.

Can anyone out there tell me if we are moving forward or jumping back? Any advice would be appreciated, as always. You guys are magnificent!

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 01-04-2010 07:59 PM

Personally, I think it is "moving forward" for a lot of reasons.

1. Your both living with 3 other guys, there's got to be tension going on there, laziness, lack of cleanliness, you probably doing more than your share.

2. You may live in each other's pockets, but this way you have "me time nights", to yourselves to be you, your not independent your bouncing only off each other, without any independency.

3. Your dates, should be more like that "honeymoon stage", as you get the chance to miss each other.

4. If you ever lived together again later down the track, it would be just the two of you but within this time, you gain friends individually and hobbies and create something different in your lives, introduction of new friends and therefore, people to go out with as well.

At this point, it's been a "rut" and consequently, stalemate.

CW

**ThexMrs** · 01-05-2010 02:52 AM

Originally Posted by CHANDLERS WISH

Personally, I think it is "moving forward" for a lot of reasons.

1. Your both living with 3 other guys, there's got to be tension going on there, laziness, lack of cleanliness, you probably doing more than your share.

2. You may live in each other's pockets, but this way you have "me time nights", to yourselves to be you, your not independent your bouncing only off each other, without any independency.

3. Your dates, should be more like that "honeymoon stage", as you get the chance to miss each other.

4. If you ever lived together again later down the track, it would be just the two of you but within this time, you gain friends individually and hobbies and create something different in your lives, introduction of new friends and therefore, people to go out with as well.

At this point, it's been a "rut" and consequently, stalemate.

CW

I couldn't agree more. Nothing is definite so consider this a trial basis. I don't think that it could hurt the relationship especially if you're constantly on top of each other. You should both find outlets with friends and have your own lives as well as the one you share together. This may be just the thing you two need.

**mm1991** · 01-05-2010 05:13 AM

It sounds like both of you guys could do with some space. Is it Tango? that nice dance, two steps forward one step back, I'm not really good with classical dances but they are nice. May be you guys need to Tango.

**pretzel** · 01-05-2010 07:06 AM

Personally, I think it's a step backwards.

I don't quite remember the whole scenario, but my first question is who owns the house? If it's his house then he needed to have the other 2 roommates move out. After being together for 4 years it's time to fully make a commitment to each other. It seems he didn't.

He's allowing you to move out. I don't see that as moving forward.

**sperosi** · 01-05-2010 08:12 AM

i have to agree with pretzel. unless there is some indication that he will end up moving in with you in a new place, moving out by yourself is not positive.

are there any indications of other things going? no other women maybe? what else has happened?

**KMonte85** · 01-05-2010 10:11 AM

I also think it is a step back.... the natural progression of a relationship is that you move in together at some point, but not move back out. That indicates that something is not right.

However, I think that this step back is going to benefit your relationship if you take it the right way. Perhaps the situation at home is such that being on top of each other all the time was pushing you two apart. He definitely needs some space or else he would not have asked for it. And I think it would be good for you too to get out of that house (if memory serves me, his roommates were kind of gigantic toolboxes). With the space, the two of you will now have the chance to reconnect. You can spend time at YOUR own place, together, alone... you can have time to realize why you're together and when you're apart you can figure out what it is that you love that makes you miss him...

At the same time, perhaps he can do more to make his home more inviting for you and a place for you two to grow together. Refinance the house, so he doesn't need roomies to help pay. Find roommates that aren't such a pain in the arse. Things of that nature...

And then in the future, after you've taken a step back to reflect, you will be able to take a step forward again, only next time it will be in the right direction.

**GoodEgg** · 01-05-2010 11:26 AM

I live in this house with 3 guys. One is my bf and he and one other roommate originally bought this house about a year ago. He graduated with his master's degree and got a good but not extraordinary income right off the bat. His student loans just kicked in and those are pretty heavy so he's feeling the pinch right now. He looked into refinancing the house but the agent wasn't able to come up with anything that would actually reap any benefits. Of course, that isn't really the point.

I'm inclined to agree with many of the points you have offered. On one hand, I think the space will be beneficial because he's not the personality type to go and initiate his own circle of friends and activities as long as I'm around to distract from that. Yes, it could be a step backwards being that we're moving away from what should have been a affirmation of our commitment to the relationship.

However, when he says that he jumped into co-habitation too quickly and made a rash decision to allow one more person (the third roommate from Chicago who moved in 6 months ago) to live in a house that really isn't configured to handle more than three, there is little counter-argument. It is simply how much he feels he can emotionally handle.

I am looking foward to having my own space and to have it clean the way I like it, but I am sad because I will miss the little things, like cooking and eating dinner together, cuddling up at night, but I also realize those things are moot if we return to the point where he feels like he does not have the emotional equity to offer me at this time and this situation. He has discussed that he will be ready once he sells this house and the roommates go their own way. I can see the positives and the negatives. I just appreciate hearing from others and hearing what others' have experienced outside my own for the perspective and to help counter the fear I feel. If you've read my earlier post, I just lost my father 3 months ago and am now battling a medical problem with my arm, so those are probably compounding the feeling of abandonment this new situation presents...

**pretzel** · 01-05-2010 11:37 AM

Originally Posted by GoodEgg

I live in this house with 3 guys. One is my bf and he and one other roommate originally bought this house about a year ago. He graduated with his master's degree and got a good but not extraordinary income right off the bat. His student loans just kicked in and those are pretty heavy so he's feeling the pinch right now. He looked into refinancing the house but the agent wasn't able to come up with anything that would actually reap any benefits. Of course, that isn't really the point.

I'm inclined to agree with many of the points you have offered. On one hand, I think the space will be beneficial because he's not the personality type to go and initiate his own circle of friends and activities as long as I'm around to distract from that. Yes, it could be a step backwards being that we're moving away from what should have been a affirmation of our commitment to the relationship.

However, when he says that he jumped into co-habitation too quickly and made a rash decision to allow one more person (the third roommate from Chicago who moved in 6 months ago) to live in a house that really isn't configured to handle more than three, there is little counter-argument. It is simply how much he feels he can emotionally handle.

I am looking foward to having my own space and to have it clean the way I like it, but I am sad because I will miss the little things, like cooking and eating dinner together, cuddling up at night, but I also realize those things are moot if we return to the point where he feels like he does not have the emotional equity to offer me at this time and this situation. He has discussed that he will be ready once he sells this house and the roommates go their own way. I can see the positives and the negatives. I just appreciate hearing from others and hearing what others' have experienced outside my own for the perspective and to help counter the fear I feel. If you've read my earlier post, I just lost my father 3 months ago and am now battling a medical problem with my arm, so those are probably compounding the feeling of abandonment this new situation presents...

For the most part, I guess this sounds like the outcome that is least harmful and emotionally risky.

Quick question, are you in a position to buy the other roommate out and the 2 of you owning the house jointly?

If it's the house, have him find a tenant to lease his equity share. That will cover his part of the mortgage then that will free up his cash for a place that both of you can share.

Or is it more that he's at the point where it's make or break in the relationship and he's balking?

**GoodEgg** · 01-05-2010 11:38 AM

Ah, and in response to your question, sperosi... no, there are no other women. Oddly, if you ask me what triggered this... I have no idea. There isn't anything going on between us that's melted down. He even said that he's not unhappy with us or the relationship. He just said he didn't want A relationship anymore. Of course, that's before I suggested that we just work on developing our own social spaces apart from each other and make the time we spend together more significant. That's when he said a light went on in his head. Of the two of us, I'm the more introspective one. He not a deep thinker and he does not do a lot of soul searching. In many ways, he feels like a pragmatist with an engineer(which he is one)'s soul.

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