Thread: Been together about 4 months, feels like 20 years, and not in a good way.

Originally Posted by Mes_T

It's basically this. Our relationship moved really fast from the very beginning, which was great for both of us. But now I feel like he's moved to that stage where it's just not exciting to be around each other, goodbye butterflies in stomach, etc. Alright fine, that's bound to happen eventually. But so soon? I'd say it started after the 2 month mark.

I always have a craving to do romantic things, to cuddle, kiss, make him feel loved in the way that I know how... and I'm pretty sure from his POV, I'm coming across as needy or clingy.

I'm starting to feel a little hurt as he doesn't get intimate with me unless he's preparing for sex.

Is this what I can expect for the rest of our time together? AM I just being too needy...? Is the fact that I'm kinda focusing on the negatives something that I should work on?

Sigh.

Oh my god, you just described my relationship!

is this maybe in preparation for the move to kiwi land? you never mentioned (that I saw) that the both of you were going together. could that be part of it?

I think any amount of time that you don't feel your needs are being met... its too soon in the relationship for it to be happening, no matter if its 2 months in or 2 years in. If you crave affection and he's not naturally an affectionate person, you could try giving him affection... if he's receptive to that, when you snuggle up to him on the couch, etc.. thats a good sign that you can use some positive reinforcments.

Tell him when he holds you how good it makes you feel etc. Hopefully he gets the hint and starts doing it on his own more... but if he doesn't, yet he doesn't have a problem with you snuggling on him there might not be a reason to worry, just a reason to maybe bring up how'd you'd like to get more of his kisses and what nots that you are wanting.

If, however, he doesn't give you affection and also is NOT okay with the affection you give him... it might be an imcombatibility issue that can make either of you resentful in the long run. Him resentful if he is not affectionate but feels he has to be that way or upset you... and you resentful if you feel like you are always starved for his touches.

Some people, guys and girls, are just not in need of snuggling and huggling the way others are to be happy. For some they could take it or leave it, don't innitiate it but don't push it away either. And of course for some it makes them uncomfortable, makes them feel clinged to and they just don't like it at all. Its all a matter of preference.

I am a cuddler, I love hand holding and affection and often. My boyfriend is the same way with that. I am more comfortable being affectionate and showing a need for a affection now than I was at 2 months, 4 months, in because I don't worry anymore if he might see that as being clingy.

I don't think there is much wrong with being 'clingy' in the right moments. It would be clingy if you wanted him to stop working on a project to come and hold you right that minute. Its not clingy to want to rest your head on his chest during a quiet movie.

Originally Posted by Mes_T

But now I feel like he's moved to that stage where it's just not exciting to be around each other, goodbye butterflies in stomach, etc. Alright fine, that's bound to happen eventually. But so soon? I'd say it started after the 2 month mark.

It's natural for a relationship to require more effort over time to keep the spark and the excitement, as the initial infatuation wears away. But it's the sort of effort where small gestures add up to mean a lot, and I don't think you're being unreasonable in expecting him to make more of an effort.

Some people also make an extra effort in the beginning as a way to 'sell' themselves to the other person. All the extra attention is a sales pitch of sorts but it's not who the person really is. As they become more comfortable in a relationship over time, they'll then revert to their true selves.

Apparently its not uncommon for many men to show physical affection only when they're interested in sex. LOL that's gotten me into trouble more than once, because many women have been conditioned to think that affection from a man is a precursor to sex, whereas I like to be cuddly and touchy feely all the time even when sex is not on the agenda.

Have a talk with him and see what he has to say. Let him know how you enjoy the little gestures and romantic moments, and that being affectionate even when you're not in the mood for sex is important to you. It might be a compatibility issue or he might just not be aware of it. You'll see.

Originally Posted by Tex

Some people also make an extra effort in the beginning as a way to 'sell' themselves to the other person. All the extra attention is a sales pitch of sorts but it's not who the person really is. As they become more comfortable in a relationship over time, they'll then revert to their true selves.

BINGO! I think this especially true for men and we women often misunderstand it. Thus leading to disappointment. The think that men fail to realize is that we fall for the person that is presented in the beginning and when they settle in and 'become themselves' we're then disappointed.
I suppose that will never change and we just need to understand one another more. But it really does bother me that I'm sold one thing, but really getting another.

I doubt few women would date a man who never shows affection and just wants to be left alone until he wants sex. (which often happens after a few months) I'd love to say that men should A: be more honest in the beginning so we know what we're getting into and B: try harder to maintain the excitement/infatuation/appreciation, but I think it's just human nature and not something that will never change.