Feeling guilty and confused

**holetoledo** · 01-21-2010 06:31 PM

I have many a reason to believe that my boyfriend would never cheat on me, though my neurotic mind knows that there always could be a possibility but... Before we started going out, he was actually dating someone else who he was really unhappy with. She was just very confused about how she felt about him and her devotion to her religion also messed around with her decision-making, too. She always broke up with him and he said he was always the one who had to fix it. She never communicated with him. Sometimes I had to be the middleman (well, woman) between them and help sort everything out but it never seemed to work. We were really good, best friends at first (him and I) and then it just escalated into something else... A couple months later, he was telling the other girl that he couldn't make things work with her and they broke up. We have been really happy (six months this coming Monday), we have really good communication unless I'm having a panic attack (he just doesn't understand and doesn't know how to react to them, but he is very kind when I do experience one)... I'd say that we are in a very healthy relationship.

But on the other hand, I also feel really guilty about that other girl. Because I admit that we have kissed and petted while he was still in that relationship. And for a while, I became paranoid that he would be unfaithful to me if he were unhappy in our relationship. But he always assures me, "I wouldn't cheat on you ever, hun. I'm yours."

I am always a neurotic mess, so I have these kinda thoughts all the time but I keep them to myself to keep the peace because a big part of me knows that I'm being silly. He is a great guy, and he can be very gentle and caring, and we have great chemistry.

Should I really be feeling as guilty and confused as I do? Sometimes these thoughts eat away at me like acid and I would really just like a second opinion.

**Mes T** · 01-21-2010 06:45 PM

Well, he DID cheat on one girlfriend, and in my mind that does make it more plausible for him to cheat on another girlfriend. But many people think like this and I think it's because cheaters in general don't get much sympathy.

But if I were in your situation, I'd talk to him frankly about your reasons for feeling a bit neurotic about it, if you haven't already, about the fact that he did it once so what would stop him from doing it again?

But if he says he won't, then you gotta trust him.

If there's no trust, there's no relationship!

**Hopeless Dork** · 01-21-2010 06:51 PM

Your reasons for a minor concern are valid. If he did in fact cheat on his exgirlfriend with you -- for whatever reason, it shows that he is in fact capable of justifying an act like that to himself. That doesn't mean he WILL cheat, it means he's capable of it. I mean everyone is "capable" of it... but some don't want to cross that line.

People learn, grown, change though - I don't believe in once a cheater always a cheater at all. But I do believe that once a person has established that they can be rewarded for a shady behavior (nothing negetive came out of cheating on his ex, he ended up with a better girl, one that suited him more, you) that odds are increased a bit, maybe.

So first of all, you're not crazy for having your doubts. You should not feel guilty for them, you have a reason for them. But you have got to ration your doubts with the reality of how he treats you and makes you feel.

If he respects your feelings, shows you love, makes you feel special, respects you -- then you are going to have to let go of the doubt and take the route of trust, because lets face it -- you love the guy and you aren't going to even consider the possiblity of leaving him unless he did you wrong.

So why then, spend the time you could spend loving him worrying about when or if he's going to do you wrong. Give him the benefit of the doubt, your trust and enjoy the love you have for each other. Don't muddy the waters with the what ifs.

No one knows what tomorrow has in store, but why ruin today worrying about tomorrow. I don't mean put your blinders on but don't hold a magnifying glass up to your face either.

Relax and be happy