Coping when boyfriend goes out

**earwig123** · 02-10-2010 01:35 PM

I always find it difficult when my boyfriend goes out without me and I wonder if anyone can give me any help with this?

We are both at uni, and spend a lot of time with my circle of friends (in fact, they're pretty much his friends too so we're effectively in the same group) But when he goes out with other society friends I always find it hard. As we're in the same group, I never really go out without him.

I've never told him about any of this because I don't want him to think I'm an overprotective girlfriend who doesn't want him going out without me. And as much as I could tag along and go with him, I don't want to because I know we need our separate friends and nights out. But I need a way of handling it by myself.

My main worry is what will happen after he's had a few drinks - I had this trouble at the start of a previous relationship as well, when my ex was a bit of an idiot having had something to drink, and my new boyfriend can be a bit the same too. It's not that I think he's going to cheat on me, I trust him in that sense. I can't really pin down why I feel so anxious when he does go out.

If anyone has any advice that would be great, I feel like the world's worst girlfriend

x

**newhere808** · 02-10-2010 03:07 PM

I think all you can really do is make a decisions whether or not you trust him, and then stick to that decision until he gives you a reason to do otherwise. You hit the nail right on the head, in a relationship it is important for both sides to have their time, but even though you 'feel' that way something about having him do that bothers you, and i'm assuming it's trust related.

Another thing that may help is if you take some time to really work out what it is about him being about and about apart from you that actually bothers you. If it's a justifiable concern like he said or did something to make you wonder, then it may be worth addressing.

**Mes T** · 02-10-2010 04:58 PM

If he's actually done something "stupid" while drinking, I feel like that needs to be addressed. In a calm manner of course, no accusations, just stating that in a relationship you expect A and B and are uncomfortable when C and D happens. And could he please take your feelings into consideration, it would be much appreciated, etc etc.

Just communicate! It's hard to just rewire yourself to no longer be affected by something that continues without change.

**Iseulda** · 02-11-2010 04:45 AM

^^ Worst advice ever.

Difficult - you don't know why you are uneasy but you are. You need to try and work out what it is you think he's going to do / not do that bothers you. Play out all possible scenarios in your head (him getting in fight, getting arrested, getting hit on, hitting on someone, getting too drunk and passing out, getting mugged, etc.) and then use you logical mind to work out exactly how likely each scenario is to happen to your boyfriend. That may help you work out what is actually bothering you.

Or perhaps, underneath it all and without consciously knowing it, you just don't want him to be having fun without you. My man lives over 4000 miles away - he goes out without me all the time and I know there is a bit of me that's a little bit sad that he's off having fun without me - but my logical mind is FAR happier that he's having fun and is capable of being a social animal.

The other thing is maybe you aren't sure where he is going and what he is doing with this crowd. Next time he goes out with these friends go with them. If it is a 'lads only' thing and going with them isn't possible then arrange to be out with girlfriends only the same night.

Last - but not least - I think talking to him about it would be a good idea. Tell him that, logically, you have no objection to these nights out and you are not asking him to stop nor are you trying to forbid him (make sure he understands that) but that you are uneasy and need a little help from him. Ask him would he text you once or twice in the evening, just to say 'hi, I love you' or something. I expect he'll understand and want to assuage your fears.

**stressed** · 02-11-2010 07:00 AM

I think you're basically worried because of the drinking. If he always acts like an idiot after a drink or doesn't know when to stop then you do need to address it. Tell him you don't mind him going out as long as he doesn't get drunk, because you don't trust alcohol and you've seen its effects.

I have the same worry, I've tagged along just to keep him from drinking (he always asked if he could have a glass, but since I know he'd only get too drunk I didn't let him). Now he's stopped drinking but there's a worry when a friend who enjoys drinking suggest him to drop by. It's important to trust his friends, if you know they drink too much you can tell him that they can meet somewhere where drinking is not included but that you generally don't mind him going out. If he has a brain he will understand.

**Sweetest Love** · 02-11-2010 10:56 AM

How long have you been in a relationship with him? My boyfriend is in a fraternity and at the start of our relationship I was a little uneasy when he went out (you know the stereotypes about frat boys). As I grew more confidence in him and the trust got stronger, my feelings of uneasiness went away. Did your last boyfriend go out and do things that hurt you? If so maybe the feelings you have now are residual due to your previous relationship.

I have a friend that was having issue w/ her so going out w/o her and she just had to find something to do rather than stay in the house while he was out. Maybe that will help.

No matter what it is definitely best to talk to him. Maybe he can reassure you if that is what you need. Or maybe he can help you figure out what the problem really is. GOOD LUCK!

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 02-11-2010 01:36 PM

We are both at uni, and spend a lot of time with my circle of friends (in fact, they're pretty much his friends too so we're effectively in the same group) But when he goes out with other society friends I always find it hard. As we're in the same group, I never really go out without him.

because I know we need our separate friends and nights out

Actually you need both. If you make the management decision NOT to go out with your circle of friends, then your distancing your relationship, making him feel "free" every time he goes out, because his lady isn't ever there.

Perhaps that is what happened the last time?

You at least need to go out with him with them 50% of the time. In my opinion.

My main worry is what will happen after he's had a few drinks - I had this trouble at the start of a previous relationship as well

As I said, if he is being let out all the time on his own, then he will feel single when he is out, and in a relationship when he is not.

We definately need "me" time and independence but I think that you haven't seen the reality of him always being on his own out drinking...

**FeministBen** · 02-13-2010 10:42 AM

I disagree, Chandler. I never go out with my girlfriend, we ave completely separate friendship groups and I go out to be with my mates. It's comradery, I don't particularly fancy my gf taggin along to all these things.

Despite this, I don't feel single on a night out and haven't cheated on her on a night out. Ben looks, he doesn't touch!

Leave him be or send texts buggin him, either way, if he's a good guy he won't cheat, if he's a bad guy he will. Drinking doesn't affect someone's character, if you get drunk and hook up with someone, there was an underlying problem anyway and it was always on the cards. Drink is merely a catalyst. If you can explain your concerns further I can perhaps advise further but, otherwise, when he is drunk he will behave as he truly wants to deep down, rather than in a way contrary to his character.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 02-13-2010 01:43 PM

Originally Posted by FeministBen

I disagree, Chandler. I never go out with my girlfriend, we ave completely separate friendship groups and I go out to be with my mates. It's comradery, I don't particularly fancy my gf taggin along to all these things.

Despite this, I don't feel single on a night out and haven't cheated on her on a night out. Ben looks, he doesn't touch!

Leave him be or send texts buggin him, either way, if he's a good guy he won't cheat, if he's a bad guy he will. Drinking doesn't affect someone's character, if you get drunk and hook up with someone, there was an underlying problem anyway and it was always on the cards. Drink is merely a catalyst. If you can explain your concerns further I can perhaps advise further but, otherwise, when he is drunk he will behave as he truly wants to deep down, rather than in a way contrary to his character.

You at least need to go out with him with them 50% of the time. In my opinion.

Have you ever asked your girlfriend "seriously" not just to reply no because you want her too.. Whether or not she really likes this?

Trust is one thing and your not a player, not to be tempted, in love...

Both having separate friends, equals separate identities, independence a good thing.

But, NEVER, going out with your friends, or you with her friends, as a couple?

That to me would make most women feel that she wasn't good enough to meet his circle of friends.

I don't disagree that you should have me time, or go out with your mates, visa versa.

I don't agree with NEVER... that to me wouldn't make me feel like I was in a committed relationship, rather I was there, in the background.

CW

**jnd2009** · 02-13-2010 11:42 PM

I had the exact same problem earwig, and trust me when I say how frustrating it is!! I didn't want to be the overprotective gf and not let him go out at all, so I just tried my best to communicate with him about what bothered me when he went out.
I trusted him too completely with other women, it was what he does when he gets drunk and it's him and the guys acting stupid- including drinking and driving- and I'm not there to make sure they're ok.
My thing was to let me know where they were going (not necessarily the specific bar, but the area incase something happened to them). Also, I wasn't expecting 10,000 calls while he was out, all I wanted was a phone call of when they're leaving so I know I can expect him home in so and so amount of time so I know they made it home ok and aren't on the side of the road dead. It was when he didn't call was when I would bother him and call, because I just wanted one simple phone call, and yes there were a few times I didn't get it (and I'd be mad at him when he got home to show it's not ok- my way of dealing with it).
We had a friend that was in a bad motorcycle accident after leaving a bar a few years ago, and he passed away that night. My bf was a lot closer to him than I was, so when I really wanted to give him a guilt trip, I would tell him I don't want to be in Jodi's shoes (the guy who passed away's gf at the time). I didn't want to be mean about bringing up his death, I wanted to remind him about reality and it can happen to anyone. Maybe there's someone in your life that had an unfortunate event, or even worse, and you can bring that up (if that's a problem that you're having with him).
Most of these problems happen when I wasn't old enough to go out with them. He's 2 1/2 years older than me, and you have to be 21 in the US to drink. I got a fake ID when I was 19 so I could finally go out with them.
Now, apparently I got my point across to him, because I never ask him to call when he's on his way home, he calls everytime to let me know anyway. Also, he's started a career as of 2 years ago. He works with car insurance (and drives a company car), so he knows it would be stupid, and lose his job, if he was caught, so he doesn't drive drunk. I wish I could say the same for our other friends, but I can't. Thankfully my boyfriend drives a lot when they go out, but I do express my opinion if I find out he's not driving and someone else is for the night.
The biggest thing is communication, let him know how you feel and what you're worried about when he does go out. If he does break promises or lies, let him know it upsets you (I tend to get mad and show it when he gets home- but that's just my way).