Been a long long road

**GoodEgg** · 02-28-2010 04:16 PM

Hello everyone! It's been a while since I was on and didn't want to disappear from the forum altogether without regaling you without at least one more bout of wailing and gnashing of teeth!

I'm actually feeling a lot less chipper than my post probably indicates. I've posted quite a few threads here about the boyfriend with the hot and cold streaks. One day he's with me and everything's fine. Then several months later he doesn't want to be with me anymore. Pretzel and others have advised me in so many words "not good."

About a month and a half ago, I was living with him and his roommates in the house owned by two of the three men when he suddenly announced he didn't want to be in a relationship anymore. We decided to compromise and see what happened when I was no longer living in that house. I posted more about the ups and downs of finding a new place to live, moving and all the other stuff going on in my life at the time. We spent a wonderful Valentine's Day weekend at the Renaissance Faire about three weeks after I moved into my new place. He gave me a pewter rose with scented oil and we had a blast.

The distance continued after I moved out. Nothing improved. This past Friday, he announced he just isn't ready for commitment. He said he respects me too much to allow the hurtful cycle of hot and cold (check out the Katy Perry song "Hot N Cold" if you want a good quick and dirty run down of how he's been) to continue to batter me. He says how he is now, it would not be fair to be in a relationship to either one of us. For background info, he broke up with me every January except the first one from the time we met 3 1/2 years ago.

Naturally, being self-destructive, my memory tunes in to all the good times and moments past which makes it ever so hard to move on. I sat down and wrote a list of everything I should not regret and came up with sixteen faults, the big one being the vacillation between together and not together. I can't seem to shed a single tear over this, yet I am pretty bummed out. It's hard to believe that someone who you've seen almost daily for 3 1/2 years of your life is suddenly not there. I spoke to him the day after the breakup and he couldn't disagree with me when I observed that I don't think he was ever ready for a committed relationship. He's just too emotionally unstable and too young for it.

I guess my question to you all is... He, of course, having done the dumping still wants to be friends. What have you done in your experiences when they still want to be friends but you're left in the position of being the one just waiting until they announce that they've found someone else? If I had a single friend who was actually living in the state I live in, I don't think it would be much of an argument. But the fact is, none of them do. They all live in different states and I can only see them occasionally or talk to them on the phone. What now?

**prawnprincess** · 02-28-2010 05:37 PM

You sure have been on a long road. I've been reading your posts for a while, and I am hoping that this new change will be a good one for you. You deserve to be with someone who knows that you are what he wants ALL of the time! If you stay friends with him just because you don't have many others in the area, you will only be prolonging the agony and postponing your life! I know it's hard, but I suggest a clean break (doesn't have to be ugly, but just don't contact him anymore). You've done such a great job getting your own place and everything, so now it's time to make your LIFE your own! Do what you enjoy, join some clubs, try new hobbies, and then you should find some new people to hang out with. It will be tough, especially in the beginning. I am in the military and I was recently moved to a new place, and starting over is pretty hard. But if you work at it, I think you will be a happier person.

**kygirl** · 03-01-2010 06:40 AM

I think you should take whatever time you need to truly allow yourself to heal and move and THEN once you're ready, you should try to be friends if you want to. Until you have gotten over it or at least had time to start, you're only going to keep going back to thinking about the good times and wanting it to be more. You don't want to put yourself through that.

I would tell him that you appreciate him not leading you on, etc, but you need to take some time for yourself and once you have, then perhaps you two can be friends.

Good luck!

**sperosi** · 03-01-2010 11:00 AM

you are an amazing young woman. forget him and find someone who deserves your affection. he obviously doesnt!

**OhThereYouAre** · 03-01-2010 11:13 AM

Originally Posted by sperosi

you are an amazing young woman. forget him and find someone who deserves your affection. he obviously doesnt!

What makes him the bad guy in this situation?

Sounds like he was honest about his feelings....tried to work on it....decided it wasn't for him, and then once again communicated his feelings and let her go?

Sounds pretty reasonable to me.

OP - he's made his intentions clear. Time to move on.

**pretzel** · 03-01-2010 11:33 AM

Originally Posted by kygirl

I think you should take whatever time you need to truly allow yourself to heal and move and THEN once you're ready, you should try to be friends if you want to. Until you have gotten over it or at least had time to start, you're only going to keep going back to thinking about the good times and wanting it to be more. You don't want to put yourself through that.

I would tell him that you appreciate him not leading you on, etc, but you need to take some time for yourself and once you have, then perhaps you two can be friends.

Good luck!

This is pretty sound advice.

There isn't a person on this board who hasn't felt the pain of a breakup that wasn't of one's doing. It hurts and there isn't a lot that can be said to ease that pain.

Time does lessen the pain. It may not heal it but it does lessen it.

I don't think I can add more than what ky said. If anything I'd reiterate that it will now be on your terms.

**Hopeless Dork** · 03-01-2010 11:38 AM

Originally Posted by OhThereYouAre

What makes him the bad guy in this situation?

I didn't read that as her calling him the "bad mean man" she said he didn't deserve her affections. If he didn't want her affections, that would mean he isn't deserving of them based on sheer lack of not wanting them alone.

I know you like to play devils advocate... I think you miss the point in doing so sometimes that in a case like this sometimes a person just needs to be supported. That poster was supporting her. She wasn't saying oh that guy sucked the hair off a silver backed gorilla, she said he didn't deserve her affection. I think if someone doesn't want your affection, they aren't worthy of it. No harm. No foul.

**sperosi** · 03-01-2010 12:41 PM

Originally Posted by OhThereYouAre

What makes him the bad guy in this situation?

Sounds like he was honest about his feelings....tried to work on it....decided it wasn't for him, and then once again communicated his feelings and let her go?

Sounds pretty reasonable to me.

OP - he's made his intentions clear. Time to move on.

i think the 3.5 years of the rollercoaster. now it is admirable that he finally admitted what he was doing, but he should have done it much sooner.

she deserves someone who is more stable, instead of hot n cold!

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 03-01-2010 02:08 PM

I agree, in my opinion, he actually set the wheels in motion when he discussed you moving out, he wanted to live with mates, but one was going to leave remember? Then all of a sudden it was, a "better" idea if you had your own place.

I don't admire him. I feel that he set the wheels in motion, I commend him for perhaps "thinking" that it would be easier on you once you had your own place to get used to him not being there whilst he was still around for a bit, but ultimately, I feel that he set that stage... knowing what he had planned.

It fizzled, he didn't want a commitment, he wants to have fun in life, but he can't have all of that and 3 and a half years, and automatically have you as a friend as well.

I don't think it's healthy for you either at this stage, because your right, when another woman enters, you'll be devistated.

Take time out for you for now only... Tell him that sure, further down the track no problems but for now your going to get out there and enjoy life, have fun, meet people, even date... Let him see that it hasn't bothered you as much as he thought it would, purely because in my opinion, you have to always show your strength and then act on that strength, to get past things that have caused pain.

CW

**happy ending** · 03-01-2010 06:40 PM

i suppose its ok, that he wants to be friends, but some guys have a funny idea about that, like friends with benefits or friends so i can make sure shes not off meeting other guys in case i change my mind (again). i hope you get off the rollercoaster girl, he is not worthy of your affection.