Trust issues, stemming from prior abuse

**natu88** · 03-06-2010 11:17 AM

I used to be in a very emotionally abusive relationship. I got myself out of it, which I'm very proud of and have recovered probably 85% over the past two years. A lot of the recovery was sped up, because I have been with a new man, and he is a dream come true, but I still have issues. Sometimes I get really angry when he keeps secrets from me or hides things, because I feel that he is going to change and hurt me. I know he wouldn't harm a fly, and I want to put all my trust in him, but I'm frightened that I will be broken again. He's hurt that I get so suspicious of him and don't trust him, so it's a lose-lose situation. What do I do to stop this irrational fear of being hurt?

**stressed** · 03-07-2010 02:19 AM

I think it is natural to be upset if he hides things from you or keeps secrets. The previous abusive relationship only enhances that feeling. You need to find ways that will make you feel you can trust this man. Tell him specifically what bothers you, mention that it's not just what he does but also your character, that you believe it will get better with time, but don't ignore anything. A lot depends on the kind of secrets he keeps from you, but no mater how 'small' they are, of course they can cause upset. It takes time, but if he's worthy of your trust then he will have it over time.

**p3375** · 03-07-2010 02:55 AM

Good for you for getting yourself out of the abusive relationship!
Yeah, sometimes it just takes time. Have patience w/ yourself.
P

**baja** · 03-07-2010 11:11 AM

natu88, the key is to talk and share your feelings without putting extra weight on the relationship. Two things will get you back on-track... communication and time. You can't forget overnight the pain or unlearn behaviors resulting from your abusive relationship, but you can begin looking at things positively and try not to imagine the worst is awaiting you around every corner.

Please remember that guys aren't always the best communicators, so watch what he does and how he acts since you'll find real glimpses into how much he cares about you in his actions.

And lastly ask yourself this question frequently... "am I better now or growing positively now that I am with him"... and then ask yourself "why". If you do this frequently, you'll know whether the person you have chosen is right for you and you'll also see the small moves in your own behavior/thinking that result from an open, healthy and productive relationship!

**danceintx** · 03-07-2010 03:54 PM

I was in your shoes as well 2 years ago myself, and also feel like I have not completely healed. At first, I looked to him, my ex, for closure, constantly trying to get him to show remorse for what all he did, but that never happened at all, which made me angrier. Then I realized I had to get closure on my own, and know he would never feel guilt. I have a bf now who treats me very good. We still have little problems here and there, and sometimes I feel like I am always looking for some sign that will show me he is "bad" so I can leave him. I also react badly to things being hidden, or communication problems, or any sign of jealousy or possesiveness. I think I give him a harder time than need be sometimes. But he hangs in there and says he understands. This past week, I thought about all this, and at the same time, had a confrontation with my ex and his new fiance. The next morning I woke up from a nightmare about my now bf, and cried. I laid there and talked to him about it, and I felt so much better. Time does heal all wounds, talking helps, but I believe your mind deals with past traumas as it is ready. Your new bf is supportive I'm sure, let him be, you will heal, but it takes time. But you won't ever forget.

**Mary1978** · 03-07-2010 10:59 PM

Best thing to do is have a talk with him & tell him that it bothers you that he is secretive at times.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 03-07-2010 11:42 PM

Have you asked him why he keeps things from you?

Is it because he thinks maybe, that you will get upset if you find out, so he feels that it's easier to not tell you, as not to upset you due to what has happened?

Baja said "communication" and "time" and he is correct.

You have to share everything, thoughts, feelings getting angry is a waste of energy..

Talk to him.

CW

**Mayberry** · 03-10-2010 05:22 AM

One thing to remember is that it's quite normal for people to have things in their lives that they don't talk about so much. While I'm not going to assume there aren't things he's "secretive" about, let's say for a moment that they're just things that he doesn't really think are a big deal because

a) he's a male so he doesn't naturally talk about everything in life like us females do,

b) they're in a spearate sphere, e.g. hanging out with the boys playing poker, he wouldn't expect to come home and tell you all about who had what cards and what jokes people made, because that's his time to relax and be a guy and having to talk all about it afterwards would diminish his feeling of it being an "escape" (not necessarily an escape from you, but from the pressures of work, etc), and

c) try and compare the things he doesn't talk about with things in your life that you either don't talk about to him so much, or would rather talk about with your girl friends because they're the ones you know will understand it more - e.g. your boyfriend might not understand the fuss about getting those shoes on sale that go with that awesome blouse you got that you haven't worn yet because you had nothing to match it with but now you do.
Perhaps, in the same way, there's things that he's used to sharing with other people, or that are special things he talks about with his brother/dad/someone because it's one of the only things they connect through so he likes to keep that connection only with them.

And, from my own experience with, er... boundary issues... I'm trying to work on my own unrealistic expectations that I have of how much other people should share with me. Often when we've been abused it's because we've grown up or somehow learnt to give everything of ourselves over to someone else, and never to keep anything to ourselves. That openness and lack of boundaries can be taken advantage of, resulting in abuse. But even when we get out of those situations, there can still be lingering issues with boundaries where we expect others to share everything in their lives with us in the way that we share it with them. Maybe reading up on boundaries and such might help you work out whether it's something you're not used to but that isn't actually so far from normal. Perhaps if you observe how he interacts with his family will give you a clue as to whether it's normal for him or if he's being different around you.