Thread: Women, is this a deal breaker in a serious relationship

As long as the first time I saw it wasn't during sex, I'd be okay. Granted, it would probably make me a little uncomfortable at first. I don't think most women like to be reminded that their boyfriends were with others. We all know you have been, but we don't need to be told.

In the long run, though, I think the sentiment is sweet. It shows a lot of love and respect for the woman you lost, and I think it adds confidence to the next woman... kind of like "if he loved her so much to get the tattoo, he must be a sensitive and loving boyfriend". It really depends on the perspective each girl will take on it.

Although it wasn't a tattoo ... I had the same sort of situation with my husband (prior to getting married). I found a picture of him and another girl hidden in the closet. (I was rearranging the closet - I like to rearrange stuff when I'm bored) I was hurt that he would hide it from me - it was obviously more than a few years old. I asked him about it (funny how that didn't scare me like other questions do?!) and he told me about her. They had been very good friends, then dated seriously, then stayed friends and he was very good friends with her entire family. He then told me that she was the one who asked him not to leave Vancouver. He almost didn't leave. But he did. And then she died. She had tried to call him - she was drunk, fell and hit her head (I think ... if I remember right) and died alone in her kitchen trying to call him. He was heartbroken. He hid the picture of her from me because he thought I would be jealous about the emotions and feelings he had for her. Sure I was jealous - I thought maybe she was the one he was engaged to before me (but never asked him that), but then I worked through it and realized - however harsh it sounded to me - that she was dead and no matter how much you love the dead, the living are here for you now. I told him that he should not hide the picture, and I purposely took it from him and displayed it with our other pictures. She was a huge part of his life and she did not deserve to be hidden away. He was unable to go to her funeral as we just did not have the money to send him. That hurt him so much. He was so sad that I thought he would need grief counseling. Now, it only hits him on her birthday and the anniversary of her death. And he is more comfortable sharing it with me knowing that I am not jealous or hurt by it.

Point - she needs to know the background. It may take a while for her to come to terms with it, but she should eventually. If she doesn't understand what this girl meant to you, then maybe it isn't the right relationship. Many people post in this forum that relationships go both ways - she must be willing to accept you for who you are (and your past) and you must be willing to accept her for who she is. Like me - she may be confused, hurt, jealous, etc for a while ... give her a while if she needs it.