Help me move on.

**bored99** · 04-05-2010 01:18 PM

I just really desperately need some advice please as to how I can turn this situation around so bear with me please.

I met a guy at work and we got on like a house on fire - ended up sleeping together on our first date together. Two weeks later, we ended up having a huge in-depth conversation at my instigation. I was annoyed that he didn't want to see me one night and we ended up talking on the phone. He said he just wanted friendship as he had a horrendous break-up a long time ago that he hasn't got over. He also thinks he has emotional issues.

We still keep in touch via phone calls and texts - all very friendly but then sometimes I really push as I want to know why he called time on it. I thought we were good together. So I will keep texting and asking and he will keep responding and saying he doesn't want to tell me. This has probably happened 3/4 times. We still see each other at work - very civil - but a couple of times I thought he has deliberately sought me out, making excuses to see and talk to me. Maybe I am just reading too much into this.

Am I wasting my time here? I am sure he must think I am crazy with all my questions for him. I think I know what I should do which is just forget about him and give him his space but I sabotage it which must make him dislike me even more. He has told me straight that he just wants friendship so I wonder why I don't take this in board and just move on. I feel like such a loser. Sorry for the rambling post.

**MissMeSha810** · 04-05-2010 01:31 PM

Hey sweets. You say that he keeps saying that he doesn't want to tell you. I'm assuming that it may be something that he is embarrassed about. I wouldn't push the issue so much...I wouldn't turn face and just ignore him either because he doesn't seem like a complete jerk. Continue to be civil and be his friend. Doing so may make him feel more comfortable enough to open up as to what the issue may be. If you can text a man and call him and he still answers, then I wouldn't worry so much. But if you are going to continue to call and text, don't bother with the whole "Why" issue, just keep your cool. Pushing the envelope would probably make him shut down and not want to talk at all. Give him time to know and trust you first then see what happens.

**bored99** · 04-05-2010 01:46 PM

Wow, what a quick response.. Thank-you for the advice.

I had never thought about it like that - that the reason he isn't saying something may be due to being embarrassed. I am hoping what you say happens as yes, he does maintain contact via text etc and is quite good about it.

I think part of it is that I can become quite clingy when I am in a relationship which is a real turn-off I know. With this guy, I became quite needy before it even got to the official stage. He must find this weird as at work I am very independent.

**MissMeSha810** · 04-05-2010 01:56 PM

Well then that's a good thing that you can be calm while in the work place. I think that adds to his comfort level and makes him want to stay in contact. In other words, he doesn't think you're crazy! lol.

**bored99** · 04-05-2010 02:05 PM

This is where I revert to being a clingy woman if you can bear with me. Do you think there is a chance that he may want more than friendship but is just hurt/afraid from before. He is always quite good about responding to texts etc so it does make me wonder if more than friendship is possible. Maybe I am just looking for something that isn't there.
Revising for exams always make me ponder relationship stuff - drives me nuts.

**LanaBear** · 04-05-2010 04:19 PM

Just out of curiosity... Is he ever the first to text or call or is it just primarily him responding to you? He may not want to be anymore than friends, but if he is truly a nice guy, may be afraid to tell you and not want to hurt your feelings.

I'd stop pushing the issue with the Why Why Why, especially if you want to retain the friendship. Pushing that could lead to him feeling uncomfortable and cut you out completely. Continue being nothing more than platonic with him and move on. If the relationship is to progress, let him be the one to initiate it.

**MissMeSha810** · 04-05-2010 04:34 PM

Originally Posted by bored99

This is where I revert to being a clingy woman if you can bear with me. Do you think there is a chance that he may want more than friendship but is just hurt/afraid from before. He is always quite good about responding to texts etc so it does make me wonder if more than friendship is possible. Maybe I am just looking for something that isn't there.
Revising for exams always make me ponder relationship stuff - drives me nuts.

There may be a chance, but stick to the friendship first. You may want to know more NOW, but questioning that towards him or to yourself will get things confused. Giving the friend approach will reassure him that you understand and that you are there for him when he does need to talk. Letting yourself know that' we are just friends' will reassure you and should make you not want to push for answers to past issues. Otherwise, You could revert back to the 'clingy woman' you don't want to be. Allow him time to miss out on the good woman and the friend that you are...
He will not open up about his problem until he can trust this good woman and friend...
He cannot move on to a relationship until he is able to open up about his problem.
Cause and Effect
You have to give him a CAUSE for him to return an EFFECT.

**bored99** · 04-05-2010 11:17 PM

Originally Posted by LanaBear

Just out of curiosity... Is he ever the first to text or call or is it just primarily him responding to you? He may not want to be anymore than friends, but if he is truly a nice guy, may be afraid to tell you and not want to hurt your feelings.

I think it's always me that starts the text conversations, in fact it is always me. Though he did initiate seeing me in the work situation but point accepted.

**bored99** · 04-06-2010 01:05 AM

Originally Posted by MissMeSha810

Allow him time to miss out on the good woman and the friend that you are...

Easier said than done lol. I always give in after a couple of days and initiate the texts - how do I stop this?? I hate doing this as well as I know he is someone who likes his own space.
Yet the couple of times I have managed to hold off and not text for a few days, he initiates the texting. I am my own worst enemy lol.

Thanks for the advice

**Maximus** · 04-06-2010 02:27 AM

The question is less for you needing to move on, but rather than getting off the emotional roller coaster.
The type of relationship you are maintaining and somewhat entertaining with him is the one that only yields suffering.
I think the technical term for it is the "wheel of sacrifice".
The entry points are "expectation", "anger", "sadness", "guilt", and back...

You can jump on the wheel at any point.
He stated where he was emotionally, and respecting that point is key.
For someone still going through something feeling is not given time to go through is certainly a signal to get into a shell.

Without projecting too much, I would expect that you want a relationship based on respect, understanding, then the first thing might be to show this to yourself by not letting your emotions rule you,and get off the "wheel" and off the polarized relationship.