Has anyone ever experienced an apathetic partner in their relationship?
Whenever I suggest something to my boyfriend it is always a battle. Even getting him to go away for a simple weekend is a nightmare. It's always "it's too expensive, it's such a hassle, there's nothing to do, it'll be boring". Whenever we actually HAVE gone away I feel like I almost have to drag him there.
If I suggest something he always says "I don't want to go, but we'll go if you want to". Sweet as that sounds it of course makes me say just forget about it. I don't want to go somewhere and spend the whole day worried that he is having a bad time. I want him to WANT the same things I do.
We are trying to work through a few things at the moment but this has never gone away. I feel like I am wasting my life and missing out on so much. I don't know what to do anymore...
So basically the problem is that he doesn't like getting out of the house in general, or is it trips (a full day or longer) that he doesn't like?
Hmm. I know that feeling. Does he know the extent to which this is bothering you? If you said those words to him, do you think it'd come as a shock to him, or would he feel like you're just nagging him about something that he feels isn't that important?Originally Posted by akeshabelle
He is happy to go out shopping, but even then I feel like he is only doing it for me, like he would much rather sit at home on the computer all day if he had his way. He had a whole month off at the beginning of this year and had one task - to clean out our spare room. It didn't happen. He just sat at home.
Basically anything that will cost a couple of hundred dollars. We have been together for 7 years and we have been on one overseas holiday together (obviously that was more like a couple of thousand) that was 8 days long, plus a few 2 day weekends away, maybe once a year IF I'm lucky!
Does that sound selfish? I just feel like I need more. I have been with him since I was very young and I get so jealous when I see people living life and I am not. Even something as simple as the Easter Show (an annual 'carnival' we have here in Australia) was an absolute nightmare to get him to go to.
Oh he would definitely see it as nagging, or sadly he would turn it around on me. "I am sorry I am such a horrible boyfriend then!!!" etc etc
Last edited by akeshabelle; 04-07-2010 at 11:35 PM.
Mes_T you said you knew that feeling, how did you handle it??
I don't think you sound selfish at all. I think it's important for couples to get out and about, whether it's on a nice long relaxing trip or maybe just a day of movie theaters and cozy little cafes!
Your situation reminds me a lot of a friend of mine's. She's really outgoing, loves to socialize, etc, and her boyfriend is the polar opposite - he just sits at the computer ALL DAY.
As for how to change this... I don't know. It's a tough one! It's hard to make someone like something that they're so used to NOT liking. I'm interested to see what some other members will suggest.
Well unfortunately (but in the end fortunately for ME)... I dumped him.Because... I knew that he wouldn't change, and so if I wanted the direction of my life to change, it would be up to ME alone to make that happen.
You're bored. And it sounds like you have reason to be. You've been with him since you were young, and you're not ready to just sit in the house all the time like the "old folks" and do nothing!! I don't blame you a bit. You want to get out and experience things, see new places, learn new things......and it sounds like you really want to experience that with him but he doesn't value the same things as you.
I am slowly but surely learning that incompatibilities in a relationship are much more a problem that I once thought. I had a boyfriend for many years who liked fishing, hunting, four wheeling, working on old vehicles, and other things that involved him and his guy friends. We'd go on four wheeling trips together, but never, not one time in 5 years did we go anywhere to "get away" for a weekend. He knew I desperately love the beach, but every time beach would come up..he'd say "its just a waste of time. Boring. There will be nothing to do. I just don't see the point. I'd rather be here and get things done.". I put up with that for 5 years and then when we got engaged, suddenly my life flashed before me and I knew I'd live my life that way forever. Couldn't do it. Since then, I have traveled many places and have had so many wonderful experiences (mostly on my own or with girlfriends) and I know me well enough, and him well enough to know I would have never had those experiences with him. I would not be where I am in my job, I would not have my own house (I would be living in his, right beside his parents on their farm), I would not have my dog (he refused to have indoor pets), I wouldn't have gone all the places I have, and met all the wonderful people I have.
This is not to say you should leave your guy and that it will be the same for you as it was for me. But certainly it's time to re-evaluate. He's not always going to WANT to do the things you WANT to do. That's the case in any relationship. But I know it really stinks to feel like you're dragging someone along that doesn't want to be a part of what you're experiencing. Chances are, that's just a compatibility issue that isn't likely to ever change.
You can't change him, only he can do that. You can't make him want what you want or do what you think he should.
Really you have two choices, accept and love him as he is or let him go.
Why not plan more things with freinds?
We can only learn to love by loving. - Iris Mudoch, British writer
Does he have fun once he finally gets to the destination? Or is he a drag there too?
My boyfriend is kind of like this... he doesn't like making big plans, thinks it is a hassle to get away, NEVER takes vacation unless he takes a day off work because he needs to take one of his firefighter refresher courses during working hours, etc....
So I plan things, and he might whine, but I tell him it is important to me. That usually subsides his disagreement. And, once we get to wherever I have planned (usually it is just a weekend trip a few hours drive away), he ends up having a great time and we really enjoy the vacation and the time spent away from home with each other. So it was worth it.
Just wondering if perhaps it may be the same for him.. he thinks he doesn't like the idea of getting away, but once he gets there he has a great time?
Most of the shadows of this life are caused by our standing in our own sunshine.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
You just described my relationship with my ex. We were together for 6 years. And, in my experience, it will never get better or change. Finally I just said, fine..and started doing all those things I wanted to do by myself. It wasn't until then that I realized just how unhappy I was in the relationship. You feel like you are missing out, because you are. Plan a trip and go, don't invite him along. If he protests, just say that you are tired of dragging him along to do things he doesn't enjoy, but that you're not going to sacrifice your happiness just because he wants to sit inside. Maybe he'll see the light, maybe not. But at least you'll be enjoying yourself and discovering whether or not you can really stay in this relationship.
Sourpuss is right. I was I guess too young or too naive back when I was in that situation, I didn't go out on my own and do the things I wanted. I conformed. But I wasn't happy. There were many things in the relationship I loved, but that was a big downfall for us. I shared his passions with him (I'd do the fishing, the hunting, the four wheeling...all of it...) but he didn't share mine. And when he made a tiny effort to, and might go somewhere I wanted, he acted unhappy, like he'd been forced. That of course, like you said, put a bit of a damper on my time as well. Which I would guess was his goal, "If I don't have a good time, and she doesn't have a good time, then maybe she won't ask me to do this again".
In the end, for me it was a question of can I be happy with that? I had to not think about all the other things about him I loved, and ask myself based on that particular incompatibility, would I be happy the rest of my life with someone who couldn't share my passion for anything, who wouldn't go anywhere with me that didn't involve one of his hobbies or friends. My answer was no...I wouldn't be happy like that.
But the question is, can you?
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