Food for thought... Signs you've met the ONE.

**LanaBear** · 04-09-2010 11:54 AM

So I read an article this morning.

How accurate do you feel this is? Thoughts?

Do you believe there is a soul mate out there for you? Well, you're not alone. Studies from the University of Virginia have shown that over 90% of young adults believe in the concept. And 88% believe that destiny has determined that there is one and only one person who is your soul mate.

The concept of the soul mate is thousands of years old and probably was originated by the Greek philosopher Plato. Plato described a soul mate as the person's "other half" that has been split from him. The quest of life is to find your missing half. That theme has been explored in movies like "The Butcher's Wife," "The Time Traveler's Wife," and "City of Angels." Other views of soul mates include reincarnation: our soul mate is someone with whom we have shared other lives.

The soul mate concept also carries with it the belief that a perfect person exists for us, if only we could find him or her -- then love and life would be easy. This belief has created a lot of trouble for people, especially in the area of commitment. By insisting on finding a perfect partner, many people have walked away from really great potential partners. Why? Because something was missing. Maybe it was chemistry, or that he/she didn't match their ideal of The One. So they've ended up alone, still looking for that perfect soul mate. The renowned family psychiatrist Frank Pittman once said, "Nothing has produced more unhappiness than the concept of the soul mate."

Having been a psychologist for more than 25 years, and married to one guy for the same long stretch, I can tell you that there are no perfect partners out there. Not me. Not my husband. Not any of my many clients, friends, or family members. Lasting love is a hard-won battle of personal discipline, compromise, dedication, and commitment.

Scientists have found that scent plays a role in physical attraction and desire. Other research shows that those who are of similar educational levels are more compatible. While I don't believe in The One perfect person idea, I do believe that there are better matches for us. And if we are with one of these people, we are more likely to have the experience of being with the one who is a soul mate (which I have had personally and can tell you, is a marvelous thing!).

The Indications

So chances are, there is more than one person out there who fits the bill for you. All of them are less than perfect. But if there are no perfect partners, how can you know whether to stay or go? Here are 10 relationship markers to help you know if he or she is The One:

1. When you're together you feel like you've come home.

2. You feel like your partnership was meant to be, as if kissed by destiny.

3. In your communication with each other there is a rapid "knowing" of what each of you means.

4. You have a shared mission in life, perhaps a cause, a career, or the creation of a family life.

5. When you're together the world seems like a better place.

6. Your mood is elevated when you're together. It's not necessarily passion or excitement, although that's there too at times.

7. When you look at him/her you see a part of yourself that's been missing. Perhaps it's her assertiveness or his joy of adventure. But it's something that when added to your life, makes you feel more complete.

8. Being together makes you more hopeful about the future you are creating.

9. You can be more authentic and fully yourself around your partner.

10. Being together makes each of you work harder on overcoming bad habits and becoming more loving people.

Don't worry if you don't feel all 10 of these things when you're with your partner. That's where the imperfection comes in -- either in you or your partner. If you are experiencing six or more of these markers, chances are you are matched well. Over time you can work towards having all of these qualities. Couples who have lasting love find that their relationships get closer and better over time. And that process has been my privilege and good fortune to experience personally -- after a lot of hard work that continues to this day!

Bottom line: your chances of finding The One are better than you think. So go out there and start looking. Love almost always comes in a surprise package that opens up in marvelous and magical ways.

**Anon_1990** · 04-09-2010 11:55 AM

I felt all of those!

**kygirl** · 04-09-2010 12:00 PM

I agree with that list mostly

I think I have felt those in two relationships in the past and I am definitely feeling lots of them in my current relationship. Of course, I've been over "the one" in that sense for a long time. I do, however, think it all comes down to being in the right place at the right time. You both have to be there and then that is when it works if you are both willing to just love and be open

Thanks for sharing

**LanaBear** · 04-09-2010 12:02 PM

I'm still mixed on the whole soul mate thing. I just don't know.

I do agree with what he says at the bottom because I was kind of laughing, thinking, I wonder how many people feel all 10 of these in the beginnings of a relationship. But as he stated towards the bottom, 6 is good, because you can grow into the full 10.

And the whole, ideal partner thing... How many people pass up a relationship because the other person is not their "ideal". We have a friend who is very picky, and well, kind of ridiculous. I'm not sure he'll ever find his "ideal".

**Brighteyes** · 04-09-2010 12:14 PM

Gosh and omg.......guess we must have felt all of that and more besides at a VERY early age, it has only ever been Jack and I.

But how often do we hear people say that childhood romances never last...teenage crushes etc!

**grrrr** · 04-09-2010 09:19 PM

I dunno. If it's been "studied" then perhaps there's fruit to that thought.......... However frustrating relationships can be, there is something to the lame "looking" at someone and finding something part........

**Mes T** · 04-09-2010 09:24 PM

I agree with you Lana that it seems that these 10 things are present in the beginning of... pretty much ANY relationship. Yeah you feel all of those things when it's all new and exciting and you're infatuated with your partner.

I don't believe in "soul mates," as I'm not religious in any way and can't see how that would fit into an atheist way of thinking.

**cuff** · 04-09-2010 10:22 PM

A lot of those indications in the list are fantasy based. "the world feels like a better place.... you feel like you've come home.....meant to be, kissed by destiny...." etc. etc. You can fantasize all those things are happening when you're with someone. For it to be somewhat of a reality, it needs to come from both sides. Otherwise it doesn't mean anything. Plus, like other people said, in the initial stage of a relationship, you're going to feel similar type of things. Soul mates. Bah.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 04-10-2010 12:36 AM

it needs to come from both sides.

Depends on how you want to look at that word "Soul mate"..

A soul that connects exactly, in sync with another soul... and mate pertains to a perfect friendship, one whereby you accept everything about them, would never change them, it's perfect, they are perfect, because you accept them.

That list, can be re-written into another thousand lists of 10....

The connection between two people that does make you feel free, yourself, in sync, content, emotions to the highest level, a bond, a sexual connection that is beyond just sex, that bond... Is what I would class a soul connection with the mate attached, thereby a soul mate.

Aren't there two of us at least in this World? The exact same?

So, wouldn't it stand to reason that you can find a partner that is everything to you, and you are everything to him, more than once?

I believe so.

But, the key is you have to find the first one... because only then do you know the true meaning of the word SOUL and the word MATE. And, yes, life doesn't stop where learning is concerned, each person is different but you can teach each other, each other's needs, by communication, and then there's trust....

Mostly, people find a mate... and the beginning of that journey was chemistry...

Age? Is not relevant, you can find that person first off, even if you never had any previous partners.

My guess is you have to have a soul, know yourself, be happy in yourself, before you can find anything/anyone, of value.

CW

**WildChild** · 04-10-2010 06:45 AM

Well we had all 10 of those, until he decided to shut down...

This concept is older than Plato (but look at some of the utter carp some of those old Romans came up with - they weren't too female friendly) It relates to the balance of female and male energies, which all of us have. When we get out of balance and too much into either the male or the female side of ourselves, problems arise. We are dealing with them on a planetary scale right now - too much "male" thinking. This doesn't have to do with gender as much as behavior.

Many ancient beliefs and practices (certainly pre-Roman) were based on a need to achieve balance. Many of the Native American cultures held this very strongly. You are born with certain characteristics and as you grow and learn you have to balance them to become a whole person. For example, if you are a detail person, very good at dealing with all the little things, you need to learn or acquire the ability to see the larger picture. This could be portrayed as the difference between the perspective of a mouse and an eagle. Either have good points but having both gives you a much more realistic view.

The idea of a soul mate comes from the need to join with another with whom you can each help balance the other and provide a positive opportunity for growth. This also carries an understanding that through a loving sexual/physical joining with another we can reach heights of joy and pleasure that transcend what we can achieve alone. In many cultures sex was part of worship, orgasm was a way to experience the divine, to tap into a special level of consciousness and energy. This is a large part of the problem with porn and current attitudes toward sex - it has been reduced to a purely physical and often demeaning (to both partners really) act. Something within us knows that we need this special connection but our current belief systems and social norms have so warped it that we have tough struggle to even come close.

This is a connection at the level of the soul or life energy. We crave it and its lack creates a hunger in us. It has been used against us to fuel consumerism and religion. We are told that we can fill the void and sate the hunger with biggie sized fried meals, bigger and bigger vehicles, larger homes, speaking in tongues, working harder, praying more, the right hair color, bigger boobs or penises, and just more, more, more. It doesn't work; the more creates more emptiness, less real connection. Much of this is created on purpose to drive us to consume in order to provide more for someone else's drive to fill their void. As individuals and societies we have tried to by-pass, ignore or replace the need for a deep, intimate connection. Manipulating this is seen as a benefit by those who seek to control or exercize power over others. They are seeking to fill a very deep and twisted void of their own.

Some highly developed individuals can achieve a state of connection with the larger part of life or humanity but for most of us forming a deep, intimate connection with one other and good connections with friends and family, is what is needed and desired deep within us. This isn't a matter of dependency but rather of freedom. Love as we have been taught to think of it is often trite and scripted next to a connection of the spirit.