Am i overreacting? :(

**Bella xx** · 04-22-2010 09:09 PM

Hiya, this is my first post of my own so first of all hi

, i have been with my bf for 1 yr now, we are both 18. The other day we were talking and we always have honest conversations about everything, well i dont know how we got onto it but we started talking about cheating in a relationship.

He has always known that i am totally against it and if he ever did that would be the end. Well we were talking and i was just saying that he would be more likely to cheat because of how strongly i feel about it, i would never cheat. Then all of a sudden he just said how he couldnt say he never would cheat because there is never a guarantee because anything could happen in the future and you cant say you wouldnt for definate. I was really shocked, and then he said he didnt really mean it like that cos he wouldnt and wouldnt want to but that he couldnt say never because no-one can say they never would cos anything can happen in the future.

I was hurt by this because i know i never would and i dont agree with what he said because i think anything that is in your control u decide wat happens. I just feel hurt and now think well so does that mean he will cheat on me in the future?

i just wanted him to say how he would NEVER cheat on me but instead he said that and now im really hurt and have got doubt in my mind as to whether he will be faithful.

Thank u for reading sorry it was so long i just needed to vent i think.

**secretissecret** · 04-22-2010 09:26 PM

There are a lot of people who say they would never cheat, but have or do. I would be thankful that my boyfriend would be honest enough to say the truth (in that, he doesn't know whether or not he would ever be in a situation where he might consider cheating) rather than just telling me what I want to hear, making it all the worse if he DID cheat when he said he never ever would. While it IS in his control whether he cheats or not, that's true, often when people cheat it is an 'in the moment' rush of a feeling, and it could happen for a lot of reasons that we can't even begin to guess at, and then often followed by regret.

Your boyfriend saying this does not mean he will cheat on you, or that he is even thinking of cheating on you. I'm sure he doesn't WANT to cheat on you. Some people are just not comfortable saying 'never', because they really just don't know what the future could bring.

Even saying absolutes like 'never' doesn't make things certain; it may make you feel more secure in the moment, but in the end, you really have to trust your boyfriend.

**Hopeless Dork** · 04-22-2010 09:53 PM

Cheating is a character flaw. Cheaters are selfish.

If a man told his significant other that he met someone he wanted to sleep with. She'd probably break up with him. If he didn't want to lose her, he'd not tell her something like that. So that leaves 2 options : being faithful and keeping her, or cheating, lying about it AND keeping her.

An honest person that doesn't put their own desires above other peoples feelings can say with confidence (despite not knowing what the future may hold) that they would never cheat. That if they ever got to the point of desiring someone else they'd end the relationship before going behind the person that loves them's back.

They'd know in their heart that if it got to a point that they wanted someone else, they'd be honest, give you the option to break up with them/stay with them but they wouldn't go behind your back and let you continue to love them and treat them with all the respect they weren't deserving.

You are not wrong for being hurt at him saying he doesn't know if he'd ever cheat. Maybe he just didn't understand that there is options besides cheating, like breaking up or... just not cheating.

I wouldn't stay mad at him for that though. Just make it clear to him that while neither of you knows what the future holds, that you can't promise neither of you will fall out of love or meet someone else you want to be with... but you can promise that you would respect each other and not deceive. That you would end things, give each other the option to end things before going behind each others backs and sleeping with someone else.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 04-23-2010 01:25 AM

It is a character flaw HD..

And, you are both young, 17 when you met, 18 now and at 25, the only partners each have known (other than anything that may have occured before hand)...

We know that some people don't have morals at all, and don't care who they hurt and will go for the prize regardless. He probably has experienced, girls trying to flirt with him, knowing that he has a girlfriend. I'd say that he has no intentions of cheating on you but has been tainted with the brush of flirting at him already and knows that a man is a man, and can do things (just as much as a woman), in a wrong situation and perhaps has a fear that maybe one day he may be put in that position and ignore where he is at, take that risk, gamble because of youth perhaps.

I think that the thing that you have to worry about is that you never let your relationship fall into mundane, boring, and that you always keep it alive, happy and full of laughter. Because that will most certainly always make the partner think twice if ever put in that situation... Knowing what they will lose. Knowing they are happy.

Most people cheat when there are things missing in their lives. Not when they are completely happy in it.

CW

**Yvee** · 04-23-2010 02:45 AM

Different people define cheating differently, but that is besides the point
I think that you have nothing to worry about. After all can you really say what you will feel or do tomorrow? Can you really ever know what will happen to you in an hour? He gave you an honest answer, although he knew that it wasn't the one you wanted to hear. That wasn't very easy for him.
If I were you I would appreciate the fact that he actually took time to say what he really felt rather then just say what you wanted to hear and be done with it. This shows that he wants to be honest with you.
And honest people don't cheat

**classic<3** · 04-23-2010 02:53 AM

While I know that if I were in the same situation, I'd feel the same as you, as an outsider I can see how you may be overreacting just a tiny bit. He's trying to be as honest as he possibly can with you, because in all reality, no one knows what the future holds. But he obviously cares about you very much if he's willing to be that open with you about it. You're a lucky girl.

I would try to bring the subject up again (tactfully, of course! no tears or angry accusations) and see if he could maybe explain what he meant and, at the very least, set your mind at ease.

I really hope you feel better about the situation soon, and best of luck to you and your boy. =]

**Explorer44** · 04-23-2010 03:55 AM

Just to give the benefit of the doubt...

Words like "never" and "always" are absolutes. I've known people who refuse to acknowledge statements phrased with those words, because to them, NO ONE can ever say with complete certainty that they will NEVER or ALWAYS do something.

So I understand what he's saying-he's not saying either of you would cheat, just saying that no one can predict with absolute faith that something will or will not happen...

**Bella xx** · 04-23-2010 08:18 PM

Thank you all so much for all your replies it means alot

. We have spoken alot about it but things are still not right with us, i am starting to understand what he meant and i think he just said it wrongly, he has been saying that he was talking more generally and how he only meant u cant forsee the future. So i do understand where he is coming from but i think i will always feel slightly hurt by it.

The problem now is he has been telling me that he was a bit hurt by my reaction because he felt like i was saying i didnt trust him and that i didnt have faith in him. I told him that i do trust him and that it was my initial reaction because i was a bit taken aback by it but now i have had time to think i can understand a bit more.

He has also said he felt like he shouldnt have to justify that he would never cheat because i should trust him enough, i tried explaining that i only felt that way because of what he said. I am trying to fix things with him, this is the first argument we have had and i just hope i can sort everything out. The thing is the reason i was shocked in the first place was because i do trust him so much so couldnt understand why he would say that but now i understand a bit more im just trying to convince him of that.

**Hopeless Dork** · 04-23-2010 08:30 PM

Originally Posted by Bella xx

i am starting to understand what he meant and i think he just said it wrongly.

I really think it was a case of semantics and him not understanding how to express his point that its true... no one know what their future holds. You can say with confidence you'd never cheat... but even with that in place you couldn't promise you'd not ever fall out of love ... for you really just never know. But you can be be pretty doggone sure thats not going to happen.... because you know yourself.

I don't think he meant... wooo the future , who knows I may have a flock of girls behind your back I just can't predict!!! I'm positive he didn't mean that, and I don't even know him :P

Sometimes wires get crossed in commuincation where one person says one thing with one intent and the other hears something, interperets something... so so so different. Thats why its important to talk things through when you hear something from him that doesn't fit his character as it likely wasn't intended to come out the way it did.

**A Dying Breed** · 04-24-2010 04:15 AM

This is what happens when women try to play mind games with men. That's why you shouldn't do it. If you trust him, then you wouldn't have tried doing this. If you didn't trust him you should have told him he needs to earn your trust.

Seriously, nothing good can come when women play head games. And whether you knew it or not, these little types of conversations are head games.

That said, I know I would never cheat and that my gf could trust me.

Why your guy said he might? Maybe he's just stupid. Or maybe he really doesn't feel that secure. Honestly, no guy who REALLY loved his girlfriend would ever say he'd cheat on her. And no guy who wasn't REALLY dumb would ever say he'd cheat either.

So I don't know what to make of it. Maybe this was a good thing and a revelation for you. All I know is that I, and alot of other guys, hate those little mind games.

The;

"would you ever"'s
"What if..."'s
"would you still love me"'s

I guess girls like them. Many guys dont and dont even like to think about that stuff, or think it's just plain annoying.