Jealousy/Worrying

**earwig123** · 04-25-2010 06:01 PM

Hi everyone

I'm really struggling at the moment with the thought of my boyfriend's ex's. He's had one serious 5 year relationship, and then 2 people he was 'seeing for a while' (not one night stands or anything) in the year between being dumped and meeting me. He slept with all 3, and has kissed numerous people as well.

I'm kind of the opposite - was in one 2 year relationship before meeting him, slept with my ex and never kissed anyone else. We've now been together for about 10 months - when we got together he told me that he had been depressed since he was dumped, that was why he'd kissed so many girls and been with 2 other girls, but he was sick of it and wanted a proper relationship again.

I'm quite a worrier anyway (as other posts will show!!) and adding in that I'm studying for finals at the moment, and the pill I'm on seems to be making my worrying worse, I'm in quite a state with all this. I just feel like I want to know everything about these girls, and just everything about his life in general.

I asked him the other day why he never asked me as many questions as I ask him and he said that he just didn't feel that he needed to know, but understood that I'm the sort of person who does need to know.

I'm pretty sure my worrying will get easier once my exams are over, but I don't know how to deal with this in the meantime - the more I ask him about these things the more i start worrying (!) that he'll get fed up of it. I'm driving myself crazy as it is and I just don't know how to deal with it. I'm not even sure what I'm worrying about - he's not in touch with any of these girls and it's not like I haven't had other relationships.

Thanks for your help x

**Hopeless Dork** · 04-25-2010 07:06 PM

Sometimes its hard, to imagine the one you love having loved someone else. But unless a person ends up with their mutual first love/crush/kiss/ and stays together... chances are anyone you date is going to have a past. They are going to have loved, had sex, had heartaches... their life was happening before you entered it.

Its natural I think, to have some curiousity about the people the only you love was involved with... but somethings are better left in the past.

It won't serve you any good to know much about these women, just as it wouldn't be to your guy's benefit (or disservice) to know about the man you use to be with.

Every action he's ever taken, lead him on the same path that guided him into your life. Any varience to anything that occured might have steered him in a different direction... same for you.

Be happy with the fates that lead you two into each others life and not waste time questioning them, dissecting his past, it won't make you any happier than just believing in him and what the two of you have here, today.

**sourpuss** · 04-25-2010 08:28 PM

I'm a strong believer in not discussing sexual pasts with a current partner. All you really need to know is that he's faithful and doesn't have any stds. Period. And he only needs to know the same about you.

Discussing and knowing what one another did with whom will only lead to more jealousy, wonder, insecurities, etc.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 04-25-2010 09:06 PM

What are you worried about? Afraid he'll go back to one of the exes? Afraid he loves them more?

**earwig123** · 04-26-2010 12:28 AM

Originally Posted by Beautiful Disaster

What are you worried about? Afraid he'll go back to one of the exes? Afraid he loves them more?

I'm not sure really :S I don't think he's going to go back to them at all. I can deal with the 5 year relationship he had - it's more that he considers the other 2 just as people he saw for a while even though he was sleeping with them, and that I don't really know much about them. It sounds crazy I know

**LanaBear** · 04-26-2010 12:34 AM

Don't worry about his past, there is a reason he is not with any of them and is with you instead.

It's probably better you don't know much about them (what and why would you want to know?), so just forget that they exist and continue on with YOUR relationship with HIM.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 04-26-2010 01:07 AM

So what would your advice be to someone else if they had the same story?

What is the solution here? He can't change his past. You wanted him to share it with you, he did. Now you're fixating on it like theres something he can do about it. What would make you feel better?

Does it sound irrational? Yeah...cause there's not a thing he can do about it, his past means nothing when it comes to your relationship, you're asking him questions about it when you don't truly want to know, and it's affecting you and will inevitably affect your relationship.

I'm not gonna lie....if I was dating you for 10 mths and this level of insecurity started to surface, I'd be ready to run for the hills.

Time to sit down and weigh whats important and whats not.

**sourpuss** · 04-26-2010 01:29 AM

Originally Posted by Beautiful Disaster

I'm not gonna lie....if I was dating you for 10 mths and this level of insecurity started to surface, I'd be ready to run for the hills.

Same here. If I was seeing someone and they were constantly wanting to know about my past, I'd drop them like a bad habit. There is a reason that my past is not my present or future. And the thought of someone bringing it up and making me talk about it and share it with them would just bum me out about them. I'd have a hard time being into someone if they did that to me.

**grrrr** · 04-26-2010 06:27 AM

I think you should stop fretting. I kind of agree with the "level of inscurity" bit that's been posted - you have to realize that everyone has a past. It's kind of cool that he trusts you enough to tell you about his, to be honest.

Buck up, get through finals, and CALM DOWN! Also, for Pete's sake, if you know that your pill is making you paranoid, go back to the gyno and get an different one!

**Mes T** · 04-26-2010 06:32 AM

I don't get why bringing up someone's past is a bad thing? I mean friends talk about their exs and etc, so why can't a boyfriend and girlfriend do the same?

Educate me pleasezszs!

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