finding a happy medium with the ex and bf

**Kallygirlie** · 04-26-2010 05:37 AM

Hey all, been a while since I've been on here. started a new job so getting used to my new schedule but I'm back

I've missed the site. got a bit of a situation now. A few weeks ago I had my ex fiance request me as a friend on facebook. This is what he normally does when he goes through a break up. We'll recently his 2nd marriage has failed and now he's knockin on my door.

It's not surprised, after we got back in touch 5 yrs ago, he wanted to get back together. He then ditched me for his now most recent ex wife. The problem is that I dont know what to do. I'm still with and still very happy with my BF. No way would I ever mess that up cause he's simply amazing and my future. My problem is how do i be his friend? My BF is completely supportive of me being friends with him and has even talked to him for himself.

my ex has made it clear he feels he was an idiot for ditching me 2 yrs ago and he has even said that it kills him to say that my bf is a good guy and we seem great together and even has said he will always love me. I take all this as more clearing the air and hopefully he'll learn to live with the fact that I'm happy now. This guy was my first love and still does hold a very dear place in my heart, in a way i will always love him but not the way he wants me to. My bf and I have talked about this and he knows he has no worries.

Anywho, it wasn't an issue until today. He called me after i got out of church and 5 hrs later I FINALLY got off the phone. I attempted to get off the phone sooo many times so I could go take a nap and cuddle with my BF since he had to work tonight. the ex kept making me feel horrible about getting off the phone. We talked about him, him and more him. Just talked about his divorce and how sad he is. I wanna be his friend and help him through a time but he cant take over my life. After we got off the 5 hr phone call, he called me back 3 hrs later (which I ignored) and then began texting me.

All about how he's feeling bad and upset about his life. How do i do support him as a friend in a hard time but also put a boundry on it so he's not effecting my life in such a way. I know my bf is very understanding but any normal person would start worrying when their gf is spending most of her day talking to her ex.

**WildChild** · 04-26-2010 06:03 AM

There is a very simple way not to let a phone call get too long, say firmly, "I have to go now, good bye" and HANG UP. That does it nicely.
Now you've given him a chance to vent a bit, he's used up his quota.
In the future if you elect to talk with him, set a 5 min limit and then just say. "Oh my gosh! I have to go, bye" and hang up.

**sourpuss** · 04-26-2010 08:34 AM

You definitely need to set a boundary with this guy. Otherwise you'll be his emotional safety net every time he needs one. You bf may be ok with it right now, but eventually it will wear on the relationship. (especially if you give in to 5 hour phone calls on a regular basis) An ex is an ex for a reason, remind yourself of that. You can't save him. But you can move on and make your life better. He missed his chance. If you're always there for him, he'll never learn from that lesson.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 04-30-2010 04:34 AM

Krystal, seems to me he's only there when it suits him, when he needs "someone" and all other times, he is not..

Seems also to me that 5hrs and then 3hrs later, then text messages, would not be something that my boyfriend would accept, understand, and frankly, I wouldn't blame him.

A true friend is always in contact. This is a past relationship.

Tell him that whilst you feel for him over his loss of his relationship, you have one and as such, you feel that any man that your friends with is limited to reading and replying to an email, or a quick talk when down, in front of your boyfriend, that is your morals.

CW

**stressed** · 04-30-2010 07:02 AM

Alright:

You are happy with your current bf, who seems to be an extremely nice and patient guy. Don't do anything that would hurt him. Most guys in his place would react just to the Facebook invitation, let alone that discussion you had afterwards and your ex having a special place in your heart or you will always love him in a different way.

1) I assume you accepted his Facebook invitation. I don't think that was a good move, considering he only shows up when it suits him, like CW said. If he was a friend he'd invite you as a married man, not a divorced man looking for comfort and an ego boost. Past relationships are better left in the past, for the sake of everyone involved.

2) He doesn't seem to be having stable relationships or marriages. If I were your boyfriend I wouldn't trust him one bit.

3) 5 hours on the phone with him? Not good at all and it should not happen again. You have given him your phone number (wrong, again, I'm sorry, I'm not accusing you, I'm just saying 'wrong' in a friendly manner, I hope you don't get me wrong

) and you have his. What if he calls you drunk in the middle of the night saying how much he still loves you, or if he starts sending you flirty texts, because he feels lonely, only to stop with all that once he gets himself another girlfriend? It would damage your relationship over no good reason.

4) You can't support him as a friend because he is not a friend. He is an ex going through a divorce. What you had with him, even the friendship side of it, is not there anymore. He only uses you because he is going through a weak moment. You don't need him in your life and you can make much better friends than him.

5) You have no obligation to support him either. If he hasn't started already, he will soon start making you feel guilty for breaking up with him, or say he feels guilty he broke up with you. He sounds like the manipulative sort of man.

My advice: end contact with him and ask him not to call you again. He is not a part of your life anymore and your boyfriend will soon start having worries about this situation if it goes on. Your phone might start ringing many times during the day, either due to calls or texts from him, and it will be hard to explain that it's only your ex'es fault and not yours at all, as it can seem as if you encourage him to behave like that.

Think about it as if your boyfriend was in your shoes and you had to tolerate an ex from his past who "would always have a special place in his heart and would always love her in some way". It would hurt a bit, wouldn't it?

**KMonte85** · 04-30-2010 04:30 PM

I agree with Stressed... this relationship/friendship with the ex is pretty inappropriate and needs to stopped, or at the very least, be taken down a notch or 12 on the intimacy scale. What you have is not a friendship, it is emotional attachment.

He's already told you about his feelings for you, saying he regrets breaking up, and still cares so much about you, that it hurts him to admit that your current boyfriend is such a great guy. Not good. I can tell you that unrequited love makes for a very bad "friendship", if you can even call it that. IMO, you can't be friends with an ex who still has these strong feelings for you, and it would be best to keep him more of an aquantance that you say hi to occationally on Facebook. 5 hour phone convos? Admittance that he's still pining for you? Too much. And like the others said, your boyfriend has been supportive and patient so far, but eventually this will probably cause insecurities and problems in your relationship with him. What's more important to you - ex's friendship, or boyfriend's relationship? How would you react if your boyfriend had such an intimate friendship with one of his ex's who admitted to having more than "friendly" feelings for him? Decide if this is worth it...

If you feel your ex really is worth the risk to keep him a friend, then set boundries and keep the friendship simple and without too much emotional entanglement. Talk about the things you have in common, shared interests, the things that made you friends during your relationship. And leave it at that.