2 Years and 10 months - too soon?

**Fibness** · 05-29-2010 12:43 PM

Am 29 he's 37, we've been dating for 2 years and 10 months and are living together for the last 2 years (we moved in together too soon). Problem is, he will discuss anything else in this world but not anything about our future. He has introduced me to all his friends and family, we even travelled abroad to meet the rest of his family members (irrelevant maybe). I never push him to discuss about our future never, the two times I have started that topic, once he became harsh and the second time he just said that it was not the right time. I have approached him only during appropriate time and never in a nagging way. If you ask me if he is the one, if we are going to get married, if we plan to have kids, if we plan to own a home together...I would say I don't know. So, times like this when I am idle, all I think about is moving out of his place but then I chicken out thinking maybe things will change and we will be able to do the "future talk" soon. Seems like soon never arrives............August 28th is our 3rd anniversary. Anyone been through this before?

**Hopeless Dork** · 05-29-2010 01:41 PM

Are you happy in your relationship? Is he committed to you? Faithful? Does he make you feel special and loved? Are you guys best buds and partners and lovers all in one? If the answer to all of those is yes... my question to you would be... what do you want from the future?

It sounds like, though you didn't say... that you are wanting the ring and the dress? Is the relationship bad and you are hoping a ring will make it better? Is the relationship awesome and you want the ring and the dress just to solidify that?

Thing is... a good man will be a good man whether he is married to you on paper or not. And a guy that isn't still won't be, even if he wears a ring.

It sounds like you are contimplating leaving what you have with this man if he wont marry you? Would you be happy with someone that wasn't all the things this man is to you... but would sign on the dotted line?

I'm just really curious because I see so many women come here with a similiar issue... fabulous relationships and a notion that they will leave that relationship in the dust if it they don't get to walk down the aisle. It always leaves me wondering whats more important... love and commitment, being with someone that makes you happy... or having that persons last name.

I don't know how many WIVES come to this forum talking about a cheating husband, and abusive husband, a jerky husband... and I often wonder if they didn't just settle up with a guy they knew they didn't love them as they deserved just because he fit the tux in their pre-made wedding fantasy.

**prawnprincess** · 05-29-2010 02:39 PM

I can relate to this question- I've been dating my boyfriend for 2 years and 4 months, and he avoids talking about the future. Even if a good man will be a good man whether or not he signs on the dotted line, I worry that maybe he won't ever want to marry me. Shouldn't he have a pretty good idea about whether or not he wants a future with me by now? Could I be wasting my time? Lately I feel like I should break up with him because it seems like he is simply comfortable with having me waiting for him indefinitely without a commitment.
It's not as much that I am dying for the wedding, but that I am always worrying that maybe he is hanging on to me for the wrong reasons.

**Fibness** · 05-29-2010 03:02 PM

Hopeless Dork thank you for your insight. It is neither the dress, the ring, walking down the isle nor his last name that am after. It is the planning or working together as "partners" that am concerned about. The only thing that we plan together is what we would have for dinner, nothing else, not even vacations. Do couples discuss about the future and plan together or one person, either the lady or the man just decides that lets do this? If that is the case then am definitely on the wrong if am complaining about him not discussing.

As for now, we still keep our own separate accounts, we have no idea how much each of us make. I pay him rent. (He owns the house with his sister). We have opposite work schedules, we go to different churches. We have sex once in a few months....and this being my very first "serious" relationship, am not sure if this is normal or how it should be.

Generally, he's a good guy, loved by many, including my family members (they always admire my "catch") He works hard and volunteers a lot.

I definitely would like to get married and have even just one child, I will be happy....atleast before I reach 45 or menopause.

**Hopeless Dork** · 05-29-2010 03:10 PM

I see your point prawn... if your concern is that he wants to marry... but doesn't think you're the one... that is a valid concern. If you know you want your future with him, but are unsure he see's his always with you, I can understand how a proposal could add comfort to that worry.

If he talks about his future with you, can see you in his life always... but just is hesitant to marry it could be a fear that marriage can ruin what you have. What is his family life like? Were his parents divorced? Did they have a good marriage? Did he witness or experience some kinda marital problems that maybe he has a negative association with what a marriage is?

Does he talk about the future (minus the marriage part), talk about his life and how he wants it to be and does he include you in those dreams? I think that is what matters far far more than any wedding plans.

**Hopeless Dork** · 05-29-2010 03:13 PM

Originally Posted by Fibness

The only thing that we plan together is what we would have for dinner, nothing else, not even vacations. Do couples discuss about the future and plan together or one person, either the lady or the man just decides that lets do this? If that is the case then am definitely on the wrong if am complaining about him not discussing.

Yeah, I can see now what you feel is missing. He seems to be living for the moment and I can see how that could concern you. While its good to live to be happy today, its comforting to know he can see himself being happy with you next summer, enough to plan a vacation... and the next summer and beyond... etc.

It is normal for couples to plan ahead. And you have cause for feeling let down that he doesn't do that. Me and my boyfriend have been together a couple years and we are committed to each other, in love and happy... but while we don't talk engagements or marriage... we talk about our future, and we always see each other right there in all those hopes and plans.

**PJhavinfunagain** · 05-29-2010 03:30 PM

I would say yes you have cause for concern. You need to discuss this with him. If he cares about you at all he will at least listen. Be prepared for it to be a deal breaker and for the fact you may need to move on. You should not need to give up your hopes and dreams because he does not want the same things.

**jns** · 05-29-2010 04:12 PM

Fibness, there doesn't seem to be a lot of intimacy in your relationship. Everything seems to be separate. I'm not sure I would consider it friends with benefits, rather roommates with sometimes benefits. Does he get other benefits, like cooked meals, washed clothes, etc.? What benefits do you get? Only hanging out with a good guy that makes your friends envious?

**WildChild** · 05-29-2010 04:22 PM

Mixing bank accounts is not a good idea, often not even with marriage. But only once every couple of months should not be normal. Knowing where he is from would be a help in advising you what to expect.

**Fibness** · 05-29-2010 07:19 PM

I go with roomates with benefits, I don't drive and he picks me up from work maybe once a week, and I cook for "us" most of the time.

PJhavingfunagain, you have no idea how I would love to discuss this with him. The problem is him not being able to let the conversation happen, like I said, I have approached him twice and the first time he became harsh, the second time he simply said that was not the best time to talk. I politely asked him when we could talk and he never gave me a straight answer........he just said that "we will talk". Been few months since then. The idea of moving out and on is becoming more and more relevant to me. I also do not want to get to a point where I am begging him or pushing him to talk.