First date - conversation got way too heavy! Need some advise please!

**Amber** · 05-31-2010 04:32 PM

I had a first date with a guy yesterday. i had met him within a group of people twice before, within the last month. I had heard some thing of his personal life those first two times from a friend. A friend told me what he had said.

But during dinner, it all came out. For someone who says that a first date is suppose to be lighthearted and carefree didn't have my first date. LOL But more came out of that conversation that I would have liked to know.

What I found out before the first date even happened was this. He is still married. His wife came out of the closet and she wants to live that kind of life. He is trying to move on. They have two children.

Everything I found out yesterday was this. It was over a year ago and a half that she came out. They are still married but are no longer sleeping together. Most days she is not even sleeping in the house. Half of the week, she gets the kids. He gets the other times. They haven't even begin with the divorce yet. He got laid off about six months ago. She doesn't work. Why? Because she is lazy and has gotten away with it for a while now. They are not divorcing right now because it cost too much and they can't afford it. She may get a job but it is not definite.

But he tells me it is definitely over. He is seeing a therapist just trying to get over his wife coming out. Don't blame him on that. Anyone would need therapy after that! They were married for about fourteen years. The last few years before coming out were not that happy for other reasons but when she came out, it obviously ended. He said they took their rings off about a year ago.

He tells me something I have never talked about on a first date before. Once they get divorced, he will need to give about half of his pay to her as alimony. I think if she does get a job, it will be less pay to her but I'm not sure of this. But what he mentioned that almost made my jaw drop was that if he gets married again, his income goes up. Because my salary is added to his. So they will give some of my pay to his ex. I will be paying additional money to his alimony!! Few swear words when I think about that one!!

So what now. He asked me if I see him as single. I had more than a half of a glass of wine at that point and couldn't think 100 percent. I honestly couldn't answer that question. I told him I would have to think about that. I left him last night with a second date pending. I would get in touch with him.

I want to say I can consider him as single. She definitely wants to live a life out of the closet. He is left with no wife. He is straight and wants a woman in his life. They will eventually get the divorce.

But call me horrible but I can't help thinking about the financial problem is staring me in the face. My pay stinks to begin with. If I have to give part of my pay to her and he has to give her half. We will be living poor.

So what do I do know? Do I consider all of this and say no to a second date? Or do I rewind. Go back to the casual no heavy dates and just have a good time. Put all of this in the back of my mind. Forget about it and just get to know him as a person. Or is it too late for all that and I get rid of him because no matter what I try to hide, all of this will eventually hit me in the butt. And by ending it before it even begins will save me all of the heartache and headaches that will end up coming.

There is one thing that I do think. At my age, in my middle thirties, most guys are divorced. i have never been married before. I have no kids. If not this guy, then I will have to deal with the next divorce guy. But the next guy may have an ex who works. But then that would be a great first date. Do you have an ex and does she work? Oh yes, great question. Disgustingly that was part of my conversation last night. But since I had heard of his wife coming out of the closet before my first date with him, it sort of had to come out. Because until I heard his explanation, I couldn't get out of my mind that he has a wife!!! I needed to hear that from him, that in his mind, it was over. I wasn't going to be able to relax with him until he did. But the alimony, ugg!

Just to let you know. Before dinner was a date at the ballgame and we had a really good time. So it wasn't just a dinner of all of his past. We did get along pretty well before all of this came out. But then all of that did come out.

**jns** · 05-31-2010 06:06 PM

It seems as it is possible for her to get some of your money if you were to marry him. It seems as if this is worse in a community property state. He may be better off doing the divorce now, while his income is low, rather than when he gets a job again. To do this, you may have to loan him the money for his lawyer. It may make it so his wife has to be more reasonable in her demands. Does he have considerable assets, such as property and retirement vesting and accounts? Hopefully the basis of the alimony will include wages from a minimum wage job for her. I hope he is worth it. He seems to be honest and plain spoken.

**Amber** · 05-31-2010 06:49 PM

Jns, I guess that is one way of looking at it. But i don't even know this guy at all. I have met him three times in my life. The last thing i want to do is give him a loan. And I would think pride alone would make him refuse it if I did offer. if he actually accepted it, then he is not the kind of guy that i want to even know anyways.

If we had known each other for a long time and we were in love, who knows. Maybe I would give him the loan. But I don't even know him so that is not the case.

i guess I wonder should I even try to get to know him or end it because of everything I already know about him? I don't know if I'm being way too harsh on him or the opposite. That I'm being stupid and shouldn't even consider him. I have no idea what to think here.

**Texinator** · 05-31-2010 09:22 PM

Seems like an awful lot of information to tell you on the first date, though maybe he felt comfortable enough to tell you all that because he met you twice before.

This situation might be a good source for unnecessary drama but, like you said, you barely know him, and so if you were having a really good time with him before all this came out, I'd say that maybe you should consider a second date and then go from there.

I reckon there is still lots and lots of time and lots and lots of decisions between now and y'all's wedding day!

**stressed** · 06-01-2010 01:56 AM

I don't like this one. He barely knows you and already talks about loans and money. On the other hand, it is good that he said so from the start, so you know what you're getting yourself into. He is being honest and doesn't let you fall for him before he reveals his financial situation.

But what I don't like is his family and the wife. There's no divorce going on, they still go to counseling together, they still live together, they have two children and she doesn't have a job. It would take at least 3 years for you to even start having a normal relationship with this man and you will have his children to think of on top of it all. Not to mention how your children are going to be related to hers.

There are guys who have not been divorced, even in their 40's. Don't go for this man just to settle, it won't be worth it and you don't want to take a divorce in your mid-40's. I say keep looking.

**Hopeless Dork** · 06-01-2010 02:16 AM

I think you are overthinking this WAY too much

Its a first date, how you are going to be splitting up his alimony when you guys combine incomes is... so way way way unecessary... and way too soon to worry yourself over. Its like fretting over which high school district your teenager will be in when you're not even pregnant.... not even sure you want to be. Know what I mean?

Obviously he has a whole plate of drama going on in his life. But it was a date, not a pre-meeting for an arranged marriage :P Dating is supposed to be fun, and I do reccommend keeping your dance card loaded with more than just this guy.

Not saying you should write him off because of his problems. Life has a funny way of working itself out when its meant to be. So relax have fun, you don't need to stress yourself over his life and future finances when you don't even know how much you get along with the guy yet.

**Amber** · 06-01-2010 06:19 AM

Thanks everyone. I kind of started to reach the ground yesterday and realized that I was acting stupidly here. But I need to hear it from someone else to make sure. If my mother had a clue about this guy, her reaction would be to get rid of him now!!! That is the kind of stuff I have been fueled with for some time now. But does my mother know about this guy? Nope, and won't be knowing for a while, if it even lasts that long.

So lets rewind it here and just try to ignore what he has spilled out to me on that first date. Well the financial part at least. Just try to have fun and get to know the guy.

Just to clear up a few things. They are not in counceling together. He is seeing someone to cope with the fact that his wife has come out of the closet. She is not with him at those sessions. So it is not as they are trying to work this marriage out. He is trying to come to terms what happened and what his life is like now. She has made it clear to him that she was to live a lesbian life.

But the idea that he hasn't even started a divorce yet, does unnerve me a little. But it is a sign of not to get too involved with him.

So I guess when I have a chance to email him today, i'll see if that second date is still on or not.

**KMonte85** · 06-01-2010 07:56 AM

I'm not fond of the idea of dating a man who still has a wife (whether they're still a "couple" or not), children, and is still in counceling to cope with the breakup of the marriage and his wife's coming out. It just does NOT seem like he is ready to start a relationship with anyone - which is what you're looking for, isn't it? Why waste your time on someone who is so obviously not ready to be out there, dating? Not ready to give himself 100% to another woman... Not ready to divorce his wife...

To me, it just seems like you're throwing yourself into a drama-filled situation that has a very small chance of working out given everything this poor guy is going through... I see red flags everywhere here! perhaps in a couple years when he's straighted out his situation, finished his therapy and has the ability to move on from his hurt.

His spilling his guts to you on the first date should tell you exactly what is forefront in his mind (and honey, it's not you.)

**Hopeless Dork** · 06-01-2010 08:54 AM

Originally Posted by KMonte85

To me, it just seems like you're throwing yourself into a drama-filled situation that has a very small chance of working out given everything this poor guy is going through... I see red flags everywhere here! perhaps in a couple years when he's straighted out his situation, finished his therapy and has the ability to move on from his hurt.

This is very good advice, especially if you are very relationship minded right now. If you are just looking for someone to go to the movies with though, some casual dating.. I don't see his situation being something that should hold you back. As long as you keep in mind that any dating he does, maybe for years to come -- will probably only be for distraction and comfort.

He doesn't sound over his ex... doesn't sound ready for a serious relationship. His trust, his feelings of adequacy have probably taken quite the hit from all this (i'm glad he's in counseling) and you just don't want to dedicate all your energy to being his band aid.

But if you are just dating, just seeing whats out there, I don't think you should look any further into things than what they are. If its a dinner date, enjoy the dinner and the company but not fret over wedding plans just yet

**Amber** · 06-01-2010 11:17 AM

I'm actually glad you made that point KMonte.

I emailed him back with a serious note. He asked if I saw him as being single. I told him that I did. But I also said that I didn't see him as being legally free. And that I am looking for a guy to have a serious relationship with. I may not want to get married in six months or a year but we are talking about years with him here. He can't commit to me as I'm looking for.

So I asked him what he really looking for. If it is just to get to know each other and have some fun, then I'm up for it. But I told him that I will be dating others. And even though that is something that would be expected right now, when I had dated my last boyfriend, after about two months or so, we decided to see only each other. I told him I can't do that with him.

So I asked him what was he looking for? And I said if this is too serious of a conversation for a second date, then I'm sorry. I don't usually send messages like that but I also don't usually date married men. And that is what he is.

If he doesn't want a second date after that, I will understand. But that is the truth. He can't commit to me and probably won't be able to for years to come. They haven't even started the divorce yet and don't see themselves doing it anytime soon. While with my luck, I probably won't find anyone else in that time, I still needed to send that email. But you never know who may come around the corner.