question about men and romance...help!

**Rakastaja** · 06-06-2010 01:18 PM

Remember when he was writing you the most beautiful love letters, making you cd's and not missing a week telling you how lucky he felt...yes, that time the first few months that I fell in love. Is-it ridiculous for me to wish it wasn't gone after just a little over a year? I plan dates, hot dates even, write notes sometimes, try to be there for him when things are low or when he is sick... and after a few month, I end up asking for a little something too and remind him what he used to do and all of those other beautiful things he used to talk about doing for others before we met...but then it becomes what I call now: "romance under duress"... which only makes me feel guilty.
He is a wonderful man...but for me, without romance it's only friends with benefices, and not matter how great the benefices are, I still want more...Am I to demanding or simply an idealistic little fairytale dreamer?

**Hopeless Dork** · 06-06-2010 02:40 PM

Its not wrong to want it and don't consider telling him your needs and him trying to meet them 'romance under duress'. Sometimes one partner has different needs than the other and so they can only see their side of things. He may feel lucky, he may feel REAL lucky to have you every single morning as he wakes up... he may not realize that you need to hear it sometimes too. Telling him you need those little reminders of how he feels about you shouldn't make you feel guilty but serve as a wake-up call to him to treat you the way you deserve.

A guy that can't be bothered to take the 2.5 seconds it takes to tell you your beautiful each day is leaving you wide open to appreciate the guy at the store that CAN manage that brief moment to stop and acknowledge you. Not saying, its cause for cheating... I'm saying... it lends itself to one seeking confirmation from outside sources that they still got it, which can start with innocent flirting but can teeter into more dangerous territory, especially where one partner is feeling terribly emotionally neglected.

When my bf tells me how pretty I look, even after all this time it puts a smile in my heart and a boost to my mood and helps me feel happy and good about myself all day and I take that positive vibe and throw it on him in ways that makes it worth it to him to make that little tiny effort.

**Rakastaja** · 06-06-2010 03:34 PM

Originally Posted by Hopeless Dork

A guy that can't be bothered to take the 2.5 seconds it takes to tell you your beautiful each day is leaving you wide open to appreciate the guy at the store that CAN manage that brief moment to stop and acknowledge you. Not saying, its cause for cheating... I'm saying... it lends itself to one seeking confirmation from outside sources that they still got it, which can start with innocent flirting but can teeter into more dangerous territory, especially where one partner is feeling terribly emotionally neglected.

When my bf tells me how pretty I look, even after all this time it puts a smile in my heart and a boost to my mood and helps me feel happy and good about myself all day and I take that positive vibe and throw it on him in ways that makes it worth it to him to make that little tiny effort.

Thank you for your quick answer HD.
Let me clarify a couple of things to help the perspective: first of, we do not live together, we are both in our late 30's and have had failed decade marriages before. We each have 2 children but see each other a nice amount of time still.
second, he does tell me how beautiful I am when he is with me....but when he is not, which are days at a time, sometimes even weeks, I wish he would also think of me and show it the way he used to....in the very beginning.
Things haven't been great for him (with his x and his finances) and I have held on tight hoping all that time that the lack of attention that I feel is only because he is feeling down....unfortunately, at times, I am wondering too if all that beauty I saw at the beginning will ever come back.
Which one is the real him?

**PJhavinfunagain** · 06-06-2010 04:33 PM

I do not mean to come across as snipey but I will relate my experience

Originally Posted by Rakastaja

Remember when he was writing you the most beautiful love letters, making you cd's and not missing a week telling you how lucky he felt...yes, Nope don't remember that ever... not every guy is like that.

that time the first few months that I fell in love. Is-it ridiculous for me to wish it wasn't gone after just a little over a year? I plan dates, hot dates even, write notes sometimes, try to be there for him when things are low or when he is sick... and after a few month, I end up asking for a little something too and remind him what he used to do and all of those other beautiful things he used to talk about doing for others before we met...but then it becomes what I call now: "romance under duress"... which only makes me feel guilty.
He is a wonderful man...but for me, without romance it's only friends with benefices, and not matter how great the benefices are, I still want more...Am I to demanding or simply an idealistic little fairytale dreamer?

My DH takes good care of us & is a good father. He can be sweet when the mood strikes but he is not a romantic in any way. While I would like a bit of romance I appreciate and love him for who he is.

Good luck finding the man who will be everything you want all the time.

**Rakastaja** · 06-06-2010 04:50 PM

I used to have that as well: a good father for my kids and someones who took care of us as well...until he cheated, end of story...
now this man, he isn't a father for my kids, don't want him to, he isn't taking care of me by any means, don't want him to, don't need him to...I am now asking for something else, which he brought me at the beginning.
Am I realistic or just dreamy?

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 06-06-2010 04:57 PM

You are a very romantic person, just in the way in which you started this thread, poetic and even in your further replies, romantic.

It seems to me that it was the "romance" that kept you happy throughout that time. Every relationship "settles" into a more "routine" approach at some point, but you say that he is away for "weeks?"....

I don't also understand why you wouldn't "being romantic" want a man to be there for you, for your children and for a possible future, it doesn't have to be financially but emotionally, that constitutes a committed, proper, relationship..

Maybe your " I don't want or need" has made him just view you as a beautiful person, whom he sees when he can, therefore the romance ended, one day, because he maybe, is looking for the full romance himself, but it's too late? Because now your asking for something that should have deleloped in that direction but instead, has remained the FWB's, so the romance left.

CW

**Rakastaja** · 06-06-2010 05:27 PM

Oh CL!! there is so much truth in what you say and I am definitely starting to believe that I am a romantic wreck. But here is were I need to rectify: the "I don't want or need" is simply because on this level he doesn't have anything to offer right now, and not ever since I met him (for dates, family camping trip and such, I am the one who usually pays for it all). I have dreams and plans in actions that do not require any financial help from anyone which is why I can be with an unemployed man for that long without wanting anything else in that level...I do, of course, want him to be there for all of my future but I know that at the present time, he needs to take care of his own basics needs...I don't know how patient i am supposed to be anymore until he comes back to US needs...well, that pretty much resumes it all

thank you!

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 06-06-2010 05:40 PM

Well....

Yes, you can be independent, in-fact men love a woman who is independent, it gives them a sense of relief and equality.

"He never had anything to offer you, he has nothing to offer you now", "You pay for everything you could be with an un-employed man"

That's not the correct thought pattern

If someone never had anything to offer you, this is not financial, this is in every capacity then you can not CHANGE someone, to suit what you want.. As, you can see, he doesn't have anything to offer now either.

Just because you have some financial independence, does not mean either that you give until you can't give anymore and then give up

Nor, does it mean you go out with someone un-employed.

I think that you somehow for some reason, have all this heart to give, but have a fear yourself of relationships, and so you give and give, then one day, say, well what's coming back to me?

What is his basic needs that he needs to take care of?
Why is he away for so long?
Why is it that you pay for the holidays?

CW

**Rakastaja** · 06-06-2010 06:00 PM

I will answer as well as I can (and, please, forgive the few beers I had in today, back to work tomorrow, no kids today, those are my excuses...

). He hasn't had a job or even an interview since November 2009, he is losing his house (foreclosure auction in a month), and I have no clue where this is going. He isn't away for long, we are just trying to take care of our own things during the week days and usually see each other during the weekends and the weeks that he doesn't have his kids (50% parenting for him)...recently, I have tried to give him more time, weekend included to take care of his things, I do not want to be a reason or excuse to his problems.... but, still, no time for us... should I just give him all the time that he needs to get his life back together before I ask for selfish needs (romance) ?
(btw, as you already know, I absolutely love your insights, thank you for helping me personally

)

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 06-06-2010 06:14 PM

When our heart hurts, alcohol seems to help, that is until the next morning

Okay, so he may be suffering depression... If he hasn't had interviews since November, then surely that means that he lost it, didn't bother going and looking for work and now off course it's crunch time...

Losing your house, no income, is extremely scary for anyone... Regardless of the reasons and he's not a fighter, if he was, he would have fought to keep it, that being, constantly looking for work even if it was just a kitchen hand, something, anything...

He gave up..

So I'm not sure that this is about "romance" rather, different personalities. He charmed you for a year with his romance, yes.. And, in that you had "something" that you needed, wanted, but behind it all you really see alot of other things do you not? Things that are not you, such as giving up.... when you are not a quiter, you are a fighter.

Hense your comment about "un-employed" you are basically making excuses in my opinion ie) If I got all the romance back, I'd support him and wouldn't care that he was un-employed.. can't he see I don't care?

That's not what he's caring about. He's about to lose everything, it's pride, it's painful, he has children, you and romance are the furtherest from his mind at present.

You have to weight up.... out of 12 months, 6 of those months he went down hill... No job and no interviews...

You say he was sick, but did he lose his job in November for other reasons? Or was it, is it, has it been illness for the past 6 months?

Is he the sort of person that is just having a down and out? Or, is this his nature, lazy, didn't care and fate fell upon him?

What you don't do, is get him out of the pickle... financially... This is reserved for those whom try, those whom can jump hurdles and those whom don't give up, because if you do and his nature is "don't care", then it's money lost.

So, I guess you have to weight it up.... who was this man when I met him, why did he fall, is it he doesn't care about life? And, therefore, will remain in this sphere? Therefore, I had a great experience, for a while and I know I can have another....

Or, did he fall through no reasons of his own, illness.. And, I have been wanting my needs, instead of being there to try to pull him through mentally and help him mentally, so that he can jump the hurdle and there is definate love between us and has been all this time.

I don't think it's the later, but you can tell us

CW