I did a bad thing....

**lushley666** · 06-09-2010 02:29 AM

Last night for some unknown reason I did the one thing I swore I would never do and checked BF phone. Dont know why, we have been together (apart from work) every day since last Friday and things are going well - just a bit too well!! I saw a text from his old neighbour (when he used to live with his mom) - they have grown up together and athough nothing has ever happened between them I know she quite likes him from texts he has shown me in the past - anyway he sent the first text to her Friday day time and it was sort of "I'm texting you because you dont text me anymore are you missing me living next door?" and she replied "I dont miss you or the abuse!" then he put something like "is that why your smiling?" then she didnt reply and he sent "Oye dont ignore me - you singing is that why its raining LOL?" then it was silly stuff he sent like "I dont bite you know". Then she sent a text on Saturday morning saying she was sorry she hadnt replied and asked how I was (the missus) and how he was settling in and then he relied to her Monday morning saying "sorry it's taken so long to reply - things great thanks you will have to come over and see the new place -take care see you soon." But it was the flirty texts that I cant get over and the fact he hardly texts me or anyone else for that matter!! I know he doesnt fancy her (fact) but I know she likes him and it was as if he was leading her on - i dunno but I really wish I hadnt checked his phone - I have asked him if he is happy with me and he says he is - I just dont get why he would do this - am I over reacting and please dont have a go about checking his phone - I know I shouldnt have - bad bad Lushley!!

**Joey** · 06-09-2010 02:53 AM

seriously, i wouldnt class these texts as flirty in the slightest. They are good mates - lived next door to each other for yeeears, grown up together. of course they are going to have their little jokes. One of my best mates is a male, and i text him silly stuff like that and i have a boyfriend. I text my mate only yesterday saying, and i quote straight off my phone 'Hi loser, You've been ignoring me. Dont you love me anymore??' i certianly dont fancy him and he certainly doesnt fancy me.

Your boyfriend has said that he doesnt fancy her in the slightest. believe him. Yeah the girl might fancy him - but nothing is going to happen because he is with YOU. Bearing in mind they have grown up together, dont you think that they would have been together by now if they did want to be together?

You have no need to worry.

**lushley666** · 06-09-2010 03:58 AM

They go way back to childhood - I was just shocked because he just isnt in to texting and here is he sending her about 8 in one afternoon. He is quite flirty naturally anyway (as am I being a wonderful Gemini) - but I know he definatley does not fancy her - they hardly even see each other now! I was just shocked - he had told me she had text on Saturday morning (he had to because I was next to him in bed) and said she had asked how I was but he didnt say it was because he had been texting her all afternoon Friday!! He just said it like "Oh, it's gemma, she is asking how I am settling in and asked how you are." He's a flirt, it means nothing and I am never ever checking his phone again - nothing good comes from checking phones - thanks for the reply - it has definatley made me feel better.

**Joey** · 06-09-2010 06:29 AM

yeah i can see why you would be concerned if hes not into texting - but in all honesty, if they are great friends, which they sound it, then of course hes going to text her - especially if they live long distance now. You only need to be concerned if hes constantly texting her instead of interacting with you. To me, it just sounds like (from his side) a kind of sibling relationship. And his side is all you need to worry about. Yeah sure she may have sent him messages indicating that she likes him in the past - buts thats what it is - the past. And even when she did indicate she liked him from the texts, he did nothing of it - which proves that he is not interested.

Have you ever met Gemma?

**lushley666** · 06-09-2010 07:04 AM

Yes, I met her - she seems nice but you could tell she had a huge crush on my BF - he is flirty but also a bit naive as recently he bumped in to his ex outside his moms house - they chatted and were friendly then later (as she lives across the road from him) she came over and gave him her phone number (he told me all this info)- he said he took it as she was on the doorstep and it was a bit embarressing not too take it (he is also very polite - hates upsetting people) - anyway he didnt keep her number then a few days later she text him saying that she wanted to give it another try with him!! I was sat with him at the time and was not impressed and told him that he should have told her when she came over with her number that he wasnt interested and he was with someone as by being 'nice' he ended up upsetting me and her because then he text her saying that he was with me she said he had given her the wrong signals when they met and shouldnt have chattted and invited her to see his flat when he moved in - but my BF said it was just general chit chat! There has been a few of these events and although I know he definatley isnt in to gemma in anyway it just worries me that he is leading her on and he will get that "I'm really in to you" text again!! It's happend 3 times and each time I had told him to put the girl straight but he kept saying "oh she is just friendly", then the girl would send late night texts saying they had feeling for him (when I was with him in bed!) - I suppose seeing gemmas text saying "come and see my flat" just brought up when his ex sent a similar text - silly?

**ocularone** · 06-09-2010 07:25 AM

Holy monkies...i just typed a LONG response to this and it logged me out so i lost it all. I'm gonna retype so hang on ;-)

**Mes T** · 06-09-2010 07:26 AM

Your posts are resonating with me - my boyfriend is very bad at telling the difference between flirtatious and non-flirtatious behavior in women. Funny, he can spot right away if a man is trying to flirt with me, but he literally cannot tell when a woman is flirting with him. I think this is pretty stupid, and I wouldn't be surprised if his interactions with people have given the wrong impression to many of his gal pals.

What's keeping me sane right now is knowing that despite him being an idiot, he is 100% faithful to me and doesn't even understand the concept of being interested in someone else while he's in a relationship. And it sounds like your boyfriend is like that, too.

And it also sounds like you're starting to obsess over this, over-analyzing every little thing. I think you should bring this subject up with your boyfriend and have a nice chat before you let your imagination get away with you. Mention how sometimes you worry that he's accidentally leading people on sometimes and that it makes you uncomfortable.

**Joey** · 06-09-2010 07:45 AM

I dont think your being silly at all. this just shows how much you truely care about him and your relationship. I can relate to you and so can a tonne worth of other girls. My boyfriend has done some things that have put me on edge, but i know that he doesnt mean to hurt me.

When your boyfriends ex came over and gave him her number, he really should have told her there and then that he had you. I know that under the circumstances it can be quite embaressing and uncomfortable to reject a number from someone, especially if you know them, but if he had said automatically no - then it would have saved you this upset. Obviously he cares about you and only you, as when she did text him he did say that he was with you, and didnt lead her on, so that must be comforting to you, but i understand your upset about him not telling her straight away. that would have annoyed me!

You say that your boyfriend shows you his messages from gemma. if she did text him saying 'im really into you' again, is there a high chance he would show you it or tell you about it? If she did text him for the 4th time declaring her feelings for him, then it would be totally your call to tell him that enough is enough, and he needs to stop texting her until she fully realises that he has no interest in her. Its not fair on you to keep reliving through his texts your hurt - and he needs to understand that. No matter how hard it is for him to tell her to get lost, and how much he doesnt want to upset her - hes upsetting you more, and thats whats important.

Why dont you go with your boyfriend and see her new flat with him? then you wont be worrying and making up silly scenarios in your head (which i have a tendancy of doing!!) by thinking 'what are they up too?' 'is she coming on to him?' etc etc. You never know, you might end up having a good friendship with gemma.

**ocularone** · 06-09-2010 07:57 AM

Ok let me try this again..

The green-eyed monster known as jealousy. It is a dragon that isn't easily slayed. Jealousy is such an ugly, and for the most part, illogical and irrational beast. Two people who love and trust one another can be tested by such a small thing as texts from someone else..Doesn't jealousy suck? We have all felt it, lushley. It's perfectly normal to feel the pang of jealousy from time to time, especially if it's someone you really love. I believe a fair amount of jealousy is completely healthy in any committed relationship. It's what we choose to DO with that jealousy that can become unhealthy. Yes he got a text from another girl..multiple ones that he was replying to. I think we all can see the innocence in that. However, i really do understand how your mind can spin it and start to worry. Your thinking becomes irrational and it begins to eat away at you. Something so small starts to feel really bad in your stomach. Like you have swallowed a cannonball! You all know the feeling i'm talkin about don't you? So then when we let jealousy take GRIP..it will overrun our thoughts and replace love with FEAR. We have to make a conscious decision to act with LOVE and not FEAR. Especially when we feel jealousy on the prowl. Ask yourself this question:

Do I trust him?

Don't just spit out an answer right away..look deep inside you and think about him. In the deepest part of your heart do you truly trust him? If the answer to that question is a YES then you have to make the conscious choice to act on that knowledge. Do you truly believe that, or are you just saying it? There is a huge difference between saying you trust someone and ACTUALLY trusting them. I think well with analogies and this is kind of how i view trust:

Do you remember that game we used to play as children where one person stands in front of another and holds their arms out straight, ready to fall back into the arms of the person behind them? We actually used to call it "trust". You have to close your eyes and fall straight back, trusting the other person will catch you from falling and hurting yourself. It's a very nerve-racking game isn't it? You see, it's one thing for you to stand there and tell the person behind you that you trust them..yet we still struggle to actually fall back. No matter how many times you tell that person you trust them to catch you, it is proved by the act of you actually falling back into their arms.

The idea behind that simple childhood game still applies to us today! You can sit here and say "I trust him" all you want, but you have to act on that trust. When jealousy creeps in, we have the choice to react with trust, or with fear. I promise i know how you are feeling just as well as anyone. I am by all means a jealous person when it comes to my girlfriend. It makes it particularly hard because she has LOTS of male friends. A lot of them are even ex-boyfriend's of hers that they have maintained a friendship. As i speak, she is 350 miles away, out playing tennis with him..Have i been getting jealous? youuuuu bet I am. I have been this whole week. However, i had to sit down and ask myself that question i mentioned earlier: Do i trust her? Answer- 100% with all my heart. I shared with her my discomfort and she assured me it is and never will be NOTHING more than just a friendship. So i am making the conscious choice to act out of love and with TRUST. Even when my brain is telling me to be worried and afraid right now. Even when that green-eyed monster known as jealousy is lurking, waiting to spring on me. I have my trust to defend myself. Jealousy is a monster only slayed by trust. That doesn't mean we will never HAVE jealousy if we have trust. Unfortunately, jealousy will always be waiting to strike. The texts will roll in from time to time from this neighbor your boyfriend was close with..and jealousy will swipe at you. You have to remember that even when that happens, and trust me it will, you have to make that choice to not allow it to take hold. Fight with your knowledge of who he is, and your trust for him. Don't just say you do, but hold your arms STRAIGHT out and fall back! It's so hard to do but it's the only way to truly TRUST.

**lushley666** · 06-09-2010 08:09 AM

I know he would never do anything to hurt me but he just seems so oblivious to his behaviour but as Mes T said - he can certainly spot if a man is flirting with me!! When it happened the first time he was honest - he showed me said he wanted no secrets and sent a text to the girl saying he was with me - she got the message and I told him he must be behaving in a way that makes them feel he is single or interested in them - he is VERY private about his life. Then another girl 'friend' sent a long text declaring her love for him at 2am - he showed me and again he sent a text saying he was with me - AGAIN we discussed his behaviour, then when it happened with his EX I went ballistic - told him I had enough of it, told him he needed to look at his behaviour to them and he swears he just talks and is friendly - Gemma is different as they have grown up together - like Joey said - if it was going to happen it would have happened and he really really does not find her attractive - but he isnt a texter - we have rows about how rubbish he is at replying to texts then he sends her 8 in a row but then he doesnt reply to her Saturday text till Monday with a 'come and see my flat, see you soon, take care' blow off message! I dont know if he knows he is flirting/leading her on or if he really is that naive and oblivious. Then he tells me to tell a recently single gal pal 'not to put her eggs in one basket' concerning her dating! Of course this on top of the texts does not sit too well and I cant discuss it with him as he will then know I STUPIDLY went through his phone!