I recently discovered unbelievable secrets about my boyfriend.. HELP!

**PRETTYinPINK09** · 06-10-2010 12:12 PM

I have dated my boyfriend a little over a year and a half. We had been childhood friends forever and started dating our senior year in high school. We were really perfect for each other and never fought!

First semester of college we went to different schools. He had a football scholarship that he gave up because he got hurt, couldnt play and hated his school. Although we were at different schools our relationship was wonderful! We were always soo excited to see each other and appreciated every second spent together.. we saw each other about 3 days a week on average.

Second semester he transferred to my school were I was as well as his friends. This was a big decision for him since he gave up his full ride to school and had to deel with the hardships of entering the real world and paying bills. When he came to my school everything changed. We had a couple classes together since were in the same major and it began to seem like we only really hung out while we were in class or eating at the dorms.

Our relationship slowly went down hill in front of my eyes and I couldnt figure out why. He would always get "annoyed" with me and would yell at me for everything. He would even yell at me during class and embarrass me in front of people. In result of this harsh temper and lack of respect for me.. our sex lives dwindled as well. I felt as though I couldn't enjoy sex with someone who was ALWAYS yelling at me for something.

However, I knew he still cared about me cause when we would go out he would get soo upset if guys would say anything to me. But we continued to bicker about things for 4 months.. don't get me wrong, things werent always miserable but there was deffinitely more bad than good. In addition, we got a dog. Well the dog was for him but I bought it.. so it was like we were sharing him. He also started taking my car to work cause he had a 45 minute drive and his car got horrible gas mileage.

Anyway.. I began to think that I was being used.. I watched his dog, he used my car while I had to drive his and I felt as though we were an unhappy married couple only seeing each other when we were dropping off the dog. I confronted him and told him that we couldnt share things as we are really young and this relationship wasnt working. After we talked about it he flipped out and said he didnt want to be with me anymore than and said he needed a break. I was really upset, as I went from being really proud of standing up for myself to really upset that he acted like that. Reguardless we spent some time away from each other for about 2 weeks.

Then it was my birthday. I expected him to do something nice for me and he didnt. Infact, it was the worst birthday I had ever had! He didnt get me a present, didn't take me out, didn't even SAY happy birthday! He became a completely different person and continued to say that I was a and he didn't want to be around me. He said everything about me was annoying, would mock me when I cried, was just soo mean!

Anyway.. I began to wonder why he really broke up with me because he never explained himself he was just mean about it and it was completely unexpected. I decided to snoop around. To a complete shock I found out that he had gone on all sorts of websites and posted things about meeting up with guys to have sex and stuff and figure out what it was like!! Keep in mind that my boyfriend was the highschool jock who had it all.. this was a complete WTF moment!!! I continued to snoop around though and he said things like wanting someone to slip a finger or toungue in and that he liked cross dressers and stuff like that! It was soo weird!

Anyway.. I confronted him about it asking him if he was gay. He became really upset.. as this had been a secret from EVERYONE and he said he felt like dying because I found out. He was so afraid that I would tell his friends and stuff and I promised I wouldnt. But I am soo confused and need some help. He said he never actually met up with anyone he just liked "pretending to be someone he wasnt." but this was just some weird stuff.. he had been doing it atleast half of our relationship and I had no idea. I feel like I don't even know who he is! HELP!

**sourpuss** · 06-10-2010 12:15 PM

Is it possible to be supportive and encouraging for him to be who he is, admit he's gay and be ok with it?

**rcoreyus** · 06-10-2010 12:19 PM

I think you should keep his secret. He is obviously still unsure about his sexuality - that in itself isn't a problem. His posting things on discussion / dating sites isn't great, but considering his confusion maybe not so terrible. If you think he actually cheated with someone (male or female), that is a whole different issue.

That said, it sounds like he isn't treating you well, and confusion about his sexuality is absolutely not excuse. I think you should end the relationship for that reason (and you can make it clear to him), not because he is gay / bi / whatever.

**PRETTYinPINK09** · 06-10-2010 12:26 PM

I plan on keeping his secret.. but at the same time he wont tell me anything! He tells me all the time that I know him better than anyone else.. but after I discovered his hidden sex drive I feel as though I don't even know who he is! Not to mention he is the steriotypical jock.. it may take years for him to admit he's any sort of gay!

**pretzel** · 06-10-2010 12:36 PM

Originally Posted by PRETTYinPINK09

I plan on keeping his secret.. but at the same time he wont tell me anything! He tells me all the time that I know him better than anyone else.. but after I discovered his hidden sex drive I feel as though I don't even know who he is! Not to mention he is the steriotypical jock.. it may take years for him to admit he's any sort of gay!

It may or may not.

But some things are also at play besides his sexuality.

He went from "high school jock" with a football scholarship, chance to play at a college level and who knows, maybe something even better after that. He had a full ride, 4 year deal that was lost on a single play. Now both he and his parents need to find a way for him to go to school, where's the money coming from?

He's an angry young man who feels life was changed over one blown knee (or whatever the injury was).

He may get over it in time and realize that he was dangerously close to losing all that was dear or he may realize that the entirety of his life up to now was a ruse and that he's now free to live life as he wants.

**ocularone** · 06-10-2010 12:37 PM

i agree with rcoreyus and sourpuss. I think this seems like a time where you need to worry less about what you can do and just let what happens, happen. There is obviously tons of psychological backdrop here that i am not even remotely comfortable trying to understand or logic out. I am not a professional but it kinda makes sense..You don't understand because he is a "total jock" and honestly that's probably why he is struggling so much with this also..and why he is so angry. This is obviously beyond your place as a girlfriend, ex-girlfriend, whatever you are to him right now, to try and fix this or make it better. This is his struggle with his own identity and whatever the outcome, just try and be understanding and supportive of that. No clue how long it could take...

**PRETTYinPINK09** · 06-10-2010 12:56 PM

I agree.. as hurt as I am, I'm trying to be there for him to talk to and support whatever decision he makes. However, even after I found all of this out, I came home from work a couple nights ago to flowers and a home made dinner that he cooked at my apartment.. my roommate was home and she let him in but it was a complete surprise! He hasnt done something sweet like that for me in a very long time! As much as I enjoyed it, I am so confused as to what exactly it is that he wants. I enjoy his company, but right now its hard to be "just friends" while at the same time.. he may need to talk to me about things.

**sourpuss** · 06-10-2010 02:47 PM

All you can do is let him know that you are there for him when he is ready to face it, and do be there for him.

**PandaPaws** · 06-11-2010 09:49 PM

I'm not sure if you're still together or not? Obviously he has some secrets about his sexuality, and I think you should keep those, as others have said. I almost think it's better that he had this deep dark "gay" secret and was posting up for other guys, rather than other women. This is a side of him that he is obviously not ready to share, and he wants people to think he's "normal", and the stereotypical jock. But it sure sounds like he's gay. So, he's looking for someone online to share that with.
It was very disrespectful of him to do that because he was in a relationship with you. No question about that. And he shouldn't be wasting your time, when he's looking to play for the other team, so to speak. His only saving grace in my opinion though is just that he hasn't come out of the closet yet, and understandably that could be a hard thing for some people to do.

**JadedQueen** · 06-13-2010 12:54 AM

It sounds like this is a difficult time for both of you.... if you can find it in you be there for him as nothing more than a friend.... sounds like that's what he needs right now while he figures things out. Since you know his "secret" in time he may open up to you which would give you a better understanding of what he's going through as well as some closure if the romantic relationship is completely over.
The fact that he was being so mean and inconsiderate towards you leads me to believe that:

1. he feels guilty about his sexuality
2. he wanted you to end the relationship so he didn't have to do it... avoiding explaining to you what's really going on and easing his feelings of guilt about the relationship.

Being a jock has nothing to do with someone's sexuality.... you hear of athletes coming out of the closet all the time.... people are who they are.