Thread: I feel as if things have changed but she disagrees..

**Disclaimer- This will be a fairly long message**

Hey everyone :-) Some of you have probably heard me talk about my girlfriend from time to time and you might get the sense that i have a pretty big crush on her :-P. However, some things have developed over the past couple weeks that has had me struggling. Little back story: Right now we are long distance. She is up north and i am here down south. Both have been finishing up school. I havent been able to see her in a couple months now because our schedules are both pretty intense (she just graduated medical school). Anyways, i have also been having to deal with some personal/family issues that has more or less, left me penniless for the time being. Which i am alright with because i grew up poor and know how to get by without much. She had a week off last week and wanted me to come see her (she couldn't come down because she had soem things to attend up north) and i could have made the time for a couple days to drive up there but i just couldn't afford it in any way. She then offered to buy me a train ticket and basically pay for me to come up for a couple days. I declined... I realize there is some pride at work here that i probably should have gotten over but honestly there is a lot more at work here that is hard to explain. Basically her family doesnt approve of me much and they would have known she had to pay for me to come up- would have made them think even less of me. She is extremely close with her family so her family's opinion of me IS important to me because i want it to work with them too, not just with her. I knew me coming up to visit on HER dime would cause big waves with her friends and family. I also just hated the fact that she was gonna have to do that..when i was gonna be alright in a few weeks and able to BRING MYSELF to come visit her. I guess that is where that typical male pride comes in? As a man, i wanted to be able to bring myself up to the woman that i love. Not have her pay my way, it would have been hard for me to even enjoy myself when i was up their because that would be on my mind. I realize all you ladies are rolling your eyes right now but i guess it's part of how we men are wired up..or at least how I am wired. Skipping forward---

So last week since i wasn't coming up to see her, she went home for the week where her mom lives back where she grew up. While she was there, she played tennis every morning with an old friend of her..Yes...i male friend of her. She has quite a few male friends which already can make me a TAD BIT jealous from time to time so this was a little hard for me. I spoke to her about it and basically just apologized because i was having jealous thoughts and feelings. I didn't tell her these things to make her NOT go play tennis. I have just always been open and transparent with her and wanted her to know what was going on inside me (she could tell i was a little off over the phone). She assured me that they were just tennis buddies and that they didnt even have that much in common. Well they played tennis the first couple days and that was all..but then the third day he ended up coming to her house for lunch, just the two of them, then he went out for ice cream with her, then he rode around with her while she ran errands. Which ended up being an all-day affair. Ok---harder for me. That entire day she seemed aloof and she failed to mention to me WHO she was having lunch with and icecream with until a specifically ASKED her later over the phone. Which is NOT typical for her. She was holding back from me, who she was with. I realize that it was mostly because she probably just didnt want me to be jealous so she didnt say it..She never lied about it so... But still our relationship has always been very very open and transparent. So my jealousy grew and it made me become suspicious. I then realized i had heard her talk about him before a long time ago and through my own deduction i realized they were actually more than just tennis buddies back in the day. She never offered me this info. I had to directly ask her "Have you ever slept with him" and her answer was yes. This now became something i obviously was NOT ok with. Spending that much time with another single guy is already could be considered unwise with you are dating someone but an ex-boyfriend whom you've slept with? To me, it was not wise at all. The following day they played tennis then took an hour drive to the beach, just the two of them, and spent all afternoon there...I can't tell you how painful this was for me. My mind was consumed with jealousy, even anger..I was just extremely hurt and what hurt the most is she knew how hard it was for me but she just didnt seem to care that much. I finally broke and confronted her again about the fact that i did not like her spending all this time with a guy she used to sleep with. She made it out like i was trying to control her (which i promise i wasnt..i was just hoping she would make the choice for herself not to hurt me by doing that anymore) She said that if i had come to see her, she would be hanging out with me and that basically she is only hanging out with HIM because I wouldnt come up to see her.

I've been dying for this week to be over so she would go back to her apartment in the city and not be so close to him and she is starting her job in a hospital and will be too busy to play tennis with him anymore. We had this huge long discussion.,.well kind of a fight (which we have NEVER EVER EVER had in a year and a half) Where she basically told me her and this guy are nothing but friend and i am the only one for her and i have nothing to worry about. And that i don't trust her. I swear i do but that doesnt mean it isnt gonna RIP ME APART when she hangs out with him all day long. We got over it but things have changed. Our conversations aren't the same. She doesnt call me as much and when she does..our conversations are like they were before. You should have heard us talking onthe phone..We were so smitten and crazy about each other i would have annoyed you to listen to it. Now its just....BLEH. She seems aloof, like she has somewhere to be or something better to do. I feel like i am BUGGING her by calling her throughout the day..or texting her. I have told her how i feel about it and she promises me that everything is alright..But i know her SO well..you know how you can just tell when something is off? I don't know what to do about this...my stomach for the past 2 weeks have felt like i swallowed several cannonballs and it kills me to think we arent GREAT. I want to call her and be bubbly and silly with her but it isnt happening..she sounds distant..colder almost. It makes me want to cling to her because i truly am desperate for this woman. She is the love of my life and that is no cheesy cliche exaggeration. She is everything to me and i can't help but feel as if she is slipping away. I am so sorry for making this so long and i doubt anyone stuck around to read this novel but i am just going nuts right now. If you all knew me- you would know i am not typically like this. I am an EXTREMELY independant, strong person whom this wouldn't typically bother. But she litterally is all i have. She is my best friend, my true love, my soulmate and i can't imagine my life without her in it.