Can it become more

**tramig** · 06-18-2010 07:03 PM

I have known a man for eleven years. Ten months ago when we had both seperated from our spouses we started dating. We get on great and share the same interests and opinions on most things. The problem is last night he told me that what we have is good and he is happy with everything. He also said he likes me alot and enjoys being with me, but..... he is not in love with me.
Is there a chance this could change one day or am I just living with false hope?

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 06-18-2010 07:22 PM

Welcome to the Forum tramig.

Personally? Having myself been separated I know that there is a lot of baggage with people.

Some men can't fathom going through that all over again.

Some are bitter of financials.

Some were cheated on as to the reason for the separation.

Most, both men and woman need time, to heal and time to want to start again and believe in the magic of love.

I personally, think women can move on alot quicker than men... They are ready, they have tended to have had their fair share of breakups over their lives and know what's instore and will try again.

THe fact that he has stated he's happy but not in love, to me means for you, "don't settle". He's happy to just chill, go with the flow, content. Your not.

The old saying " if you love someone set them free, if they come back to you they are yours if they don't they never were" comes to mind.

If someone told me they weren't in love with me, but were "content" in that relationship, then I would leave and find someone who does love me. Not allow someone to just string me along in their own comfortability for the next year or two, making it harder for you to leave as you "think" you are falling deeper in love. Rejection tends to make people, try harder. When really, they shouldn't, they should take the information and remember who they are, stand tall, and allow others into their lives until they find that match... that is equal, in love.

CW

**rcoreyus** · 06-19-2010 08:31 AM

It might change, but it might not. He has given you fair warning that it may never be anything more for him.

**LanaBear** · 06-19-2010 10:09 AM

I agree with the others. He's been honest with you and told you that he is not in love with you but having fun and is happy. If you are looking for more, I'd leave, you have the potential to become more emotionally invested in the relationship as time goes on. When he meets someone who he feels he will fall in love with, cuts ties with you, you will be the one to hurt but again, he was honest with you.

There is the off chance that if you do leave, he will realize that he does love you and want to further the relationship, but I wouldn't bet on it or expect it.

**samanthatallon** · 06-19-2010 01:05 PM

Well most men when they talk openly to a woman, most of the time if they are honest enough are telling the truth (especially after wohoo!), i would say thanks but bye for now, you could do the 'lets be friends', but honestly everybody knows staying friends with a boy-friend- lover if thats the right combo of words, doesnt stay that way for long. I would do as CW says and walk ahead, and find something else, i think by the sounds of it he was telling the truth, and if so at least he has let you know. As most men will string you along until they tire and then just dissapear. And if he comes back then hey, count yourself lucky, as not many do.xx all the best wishes for the future. xx

**tramig** · 06-19-2010 04:42 PM

Thank you all for your responses. I should have added in my original post that I did end the relationship at the 5 month mark. He agreed at the time but 2 days later came back, it took a week of daily visits from him before I changed my mind.
Also he seperated from his wife 7 years ago and has not been involved with anyone else for longer than a month during that time, something which has been his choice.
At this stage I am happy with the way things are but worry that given time my feelings will deepen and his may not.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 06-19-2010 07:56 PM

Well, if you think about what you just wrote, "7 years" since separating from his wife and mostly, he's stayed with someone for only 1 month, yet with you, 5 months. Then I imagine this is why you feel that it may head somewhere, as he's lasted longer with you, perhaps he's ready.

But, 7 years is a long time, to "not get over" a relationship and move on.

Either, he fears commitment now, financially or otherwise, or, he prefers to just flitter around.

Most certainly the fact he's stayed longer with you means there is some form of connection. But, that could be that you don't hassle him, where others did, or that you two are great where chemistry resides.

But when a man says " I don't love you"... but I'm happy here. Then, I still wouldn't waste my time... He didn't say, I don't want to commit to anything, he used the L word.

That to me, shows he's content.... cares for you..... but that's as far as it goes....

If it were to be anything in-different? Hidden in the back of his mind but he hasn't realised? Then you still have to move on in order for him to realise what he had and lost.

However, it appears that he's comfortable so don't mistake that for Love if you left... You know how people show love, verses, need....

CW

**caterpillar79** · 06-19-2010 09:37 PM

If the man said he's not in love with you or does not love you, leave and don't look back. Aside from his feelings for you, "where he is right now" might have some bearing to what he thinks he is comfortable with in your relationship. Move on and find the man who'd cherish and love you. If he comes back again after you call it quits this time and you still want to be with him, you'll have to lay the ground rules. Simply say, you want the msn who'd love you and cherish you and if he is not that then tell him sayonara. Save yourself from more heartaches by being clear of what you want in a relationship now - be it with this guy or the next.

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