Nice Guy versus Pushover

**abc123!!** · 06-28-2010 09:57 AM

So my girl told me the other day I am too nice and I thought back on why she may have said that and I realized I can be. It has occurred in previous relationships. They think Im the amazing guy and are head over heals for me and as soon as I start to love them things change they still love me but that firey romance is no longer there and I start to feel that friend zone. Ive been trying to identify what it may be. So I did some research and people are saying its good to be nice but we need to have spines. Dont be afraid to say no, take charge, dont compliment too much, and dont always be available. I was just wondering what your thoughts are on the topic. When does someone go from being nice to being too nice and possibly a push over? What are some ways to deal with this?

**LanaBear** · 06-28-2010 10:58 AM

I think there is a pretty fine line between nice guy and pushover. I think you just need to remember to live your OWN life, not only hers. Don't be afraid to do your own thing, don't be afraid to say what you are feeling just to keep the peace, you don't have to agree (don't even pretend to agree) with everything everyone (or her) says. Like you said, be nice, but have a spine. It's definitely a balancing act.

If my hubby was overly nice, I would walk all over him, I know I would. I would never be able to be in a relationship with some who didn't have a backbone. Not saying that it is a bad trait, it works for some and it doesn't for others.

As far as when someone crosses that line, I think it depends on the individual... For me personally, if I could ask you to do something, anything, even at the most inconvenient time for you, to do something for me and you say yes. Repeatedly. Would be one indication that you are a pushover. If I can do no wrong in your eyes, if I'm always right in your eyes, you beginning to be a pushover. If we always do what I want, never what you want, you are a pushover.

Tough question, because I think it is so dependent on the individual.

**Hopeless Dork** · 06-28-2010 11:40 AM

Oh gosh I don't think I could disagree more with the notions you read about, abc. "Don't compliment too much" ? I think you should compliment when you feel one in your heart. If you have something nice to say, you should say it. I don't think you are EVER going to here a woman complain about the man they love calling them beautiful too much. Seriously. Not going to happen. I mean compliments should be spread out throughout a persons whole being and not just one specific thing... for sure. But they are good. Really.

I mean if every day you say, wow your hair sure is pretty... every day and nothing else, she'll wonder do you not find the rest of her pretty? If you say you are so hot all the time and never say... 'you make me laugh, you are so smart...' etc... they may wonder if you only see their physical attributes and vice versa. But as long as you are being sincere, and its the person you are in a relationship with... compliment away

Granted, complimenting women you are NOT in a relationship with should be a little less... especially if you are telling them something they hear all day. If you are the 100th person that day to tell a coctail waitress she's such a cutie... you might not get the reaction you'd like.

But in general I don't think you can be too nice... as being nice doesn't mean 'sucker'. If you give and give and the other partner takes and takes , is ungrateful and never gives back... you might feel like you are being too nice... and its not what it is... its called being taken advantage, which happens more to nice people... but its not the niceness that is the problem. You can be nice and command respect at the same time.

I am nice to what some may consider a fault, but If i have the slightest notion I am being stepped on I will pull back entirely. I am nice for as long as its respected, appreciated and reciprocated. Being nice to someone that treats you like dirt is being naive.

If someone will take advantage of your kindness , they are not a good person... that doesn't mean you should become a bad person in order to fit in well with bad girls that use and abuse. Instead... find someone that is likeminded and kind rather than lower yourself.

**WildChild** · 06-28-2010 12:18 PM

Being supportive, complimentary, polite, and caring are never wrong.
Having balance is important. How are you outside of a relationship? Do you let people take advantage of you? Do you have trouble saying no or getting your needs met? Someone who always just goes along with what the other wants gets boring, that isn't to say you should become arguementative or a stubborn jerk but express your ideas and interests, suggest activities or plan something for yourself that you want to do and tell her she is welcome to come along but you won't be bothered if she would prefer to find something else to do.

**LanaBear** · 06-28-2010 12:25 PM

Originally Posted by Hopeless Dork

You can be nice and command respect at the same time.

That's exactly it, right there.

I think everyone should be NICE and that is different from being a PUSH OVER, IMO. It's a hard question, like I said, because everyone has different tolerance levels. Everyone wants their SO to be nice, but to the point of it being fake, drives me bonkers.

The traits listed are a mixed bag of signals...

"Dont be afraid to say no" - Well, no you shouldn't be AFRAID to say no, you should say what you want, if it is no, then don't say yes, just to please the other person and avoid a conflict.

"take charge" - IMO, it's a trait that you either have or you don't. If you are not normally a take charge kind of person, it would be hard for you to take charge and be a dominant person.

"dont compliment too much" - this, like HD said, I think is crp. If the compliments are genuine and again, like HD said, it depends on who you are complimenting.

"dont always be available." - Please have your own life and don't be dependent on your other half to be your activity and entertainment leader. I wouldn't be interested in somebody at my complete beck and call or somebody who couldn't think for themselves. To me, and completely my opinion, if you are ALWAYS available for me and waiting for my call, you are clingy, I don't do clingy well. I'm very opinionated and independent and need someone else who is the same.

**abc123!!** · 07-02-2010 10:08 AM

Lanabear you give great advice and I couldnt agree more. Ive only been in a few serious relationships and I finally realized thats my problem. I fall in love and its all over after that. I becomee somewhat of a pushover which is unlike me but I allow the emotions to take control. The relationship I am in now has turned around alot because of this. We are still together but I need to change very quickly and start to have a back bone. Starting to get in the friend zone and need to become her man again that she was head over heals for in the beginning. I am going to give it a shot if it doesnt work out then I will be able to have a fresh start with someone else and with a better understanding. Any other advice is appreciated. Thanks !

**baja** · 07-02-2010 09:22 PM

abc123, I know exactly what you mean. I dated a woman when I was in college for about 2 1/2 years. One day while I was at her family's beach house her brother tells me that she told him I was "too nice". We both looked at each other with WTF visible on each of our faces. I did everything for this girl, she was the closest I've ever come to soulmate material and treated her as such. That was when I realized there actually was some truth to the saying "nice guys finish last." Unfortunately the relationship didn't work out because it was clear her statement was rooted in a deeper feeling that she needed someone with more of an edge or something. So sorry gals, there is such a thing as being too nice.

My advice to you is to be yourself, stand your ground, don't be afraid to be you. Don't overly bend or change yourself to make the relationship work because you might lose yourself in the process. Of course, the advice above is valid, i.e. treat her right, but from a guy's perspective remember to surprise her, be unpredictable and keep her guessing.... in a good way.

**teenie** · 09-09-2010 04:21 AM

Originally Posted by Hopeless Dork

I don't think you are EVER going to here a woman complain about the man they love calling them beautiful too much. Seriously. Not going to happen. I mean compliments should be spread out throughout a persons whole being and not just one specific thing... for sure. But they are good. Really.

I'll just give my 2 cents and say that if one is complemented too much in a short span of time it will seen insincere like the man is lying for some ulterior motive- just sayin. I was one of them rare females who didn't trust men who complimented them too much. Say i'm beautiful if i took the time to look it, don't say it when i'm looking average, 4 times in one minute- i won't believe you and lying or manipulating will put me off.

Advice for the OP would be to be less predictable. Blow her off occasionally by making plans with people when you know she would want to hang out, just so that she is left missing you and you have some fun storys to tell her when you see her next, she'll even miss you more which will be sweet.

Just my 2 cents from my personal experience

**Hopeless Dork** · 09-09-2010 10:17 AM

Originally Posted by teenie

Say i'm beautiful if i took the time to look it, don't say it when i'm looking average, 4 times in one minute- i won't believe you and lying or manipulating will put me off.

For me its the opposite.. Hearing my boyfriend say I am beautiful on a day I took no effort to fix myself up ... means the very most to me. When I put on a sexy dress and do my hair and he tells me ... its almost obligitory because he knows I was trying to look pretty lol.

But when I am in a pair of sweatpants and messy hair and having an off day and he kisses my head and tells me how beautiful I am... it feels 10 x more special to me.